A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So this guy I've been seeing for a while is going through a bit of a rough time. Long story short, he's basically homeless right now, and it particularly sucks because he's very new to the area and he considered the people he lived with family. It's not the first time something like this is happening, either... last year, his dad, who invited him over to this country, kicked him out after he was here for less than a month and of course he didn't know anyone or anywhere to go. Only difference is this time, he has friends to help him out... and me.He admitted to me that he's feeling really scared and weak. And I didn't know what to say, I just held him close. I've told him he's welcome to stay at my place if he needs to. But I feel so helpless, and it kills me to see him this way. What can I do to help him feel better and get through this?He just started work today... so that's a positive. But I'm worried he might be distracted by all this drama and won't put in his all :/ Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 January 2013):
Hello again. I'm glad having a job has given him some sense of hope.
It's always a really good thing, when you have employment, which means a regular income each week, which is so important.
He at least then, has an idea of exactly how much money he brings home each week, and so he can work out some kind of rough budget, to see how much money he can really afford to pay out in rent.
It's a bit awkward at the moment, because you and him are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend as yet, so the situation of sleeping arrangements is a bit up in the air.
You don't want him to go making any assumptions about things especially as you are not sure, so for that reason he might have to settle on the couch for now at least.
And mention it to your housemates, out of curtesy and respect, just so they know what's happening, and let them know it is a very temporary situation.
It does seem that that's going to be what needs to happen, because there's just not enough room at your apartment for one more person.
And now that he's got this new job, you have said he is already looking for apartments close to work, so it seems like he has a plan, anyway.
I think that just by getting that job and having some stability in his life at last, it's just what he needed to put him back on his feet.
I really think that there isn't going to be a problem at all now.
He has an income, and already, he is looking at apartments close to his work.
He's going to be just fine.
It doesn't seem like he needs any help at all, much.
Well, just until he secures an apartment of his own to rent, he might be able to stay on your couch for a week or two.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Dorothy... yeah he isn't quite my boyfriend yet. DearCupid added that to the title.We're both citizens of a different country- I'm here for school, and he has a green card here thanks to his dad. He came to live here to fulfill the green card requirements when his dad kicked him out initially. He went back to our country for a short while and just returned a few months ago.I don't have a spare room... I live in an apartment with housemates so I'm also not in the position to officially invite him to move in for the time being. I offered him somewhere to rest his head, if he needs to... there's a nice couch but he prefers to cuddle with me in my bed. I dunno where his stuff is at the moment- probably with another friend. He's already looking for apartments near his work.And yes, work definitely helped... he came back yesterday in a much better mood, and things don't seem so bad anymore :)I guess my question is, how else can I be there for him... or how else can I show that I'm here for him?@Karlos thanks :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): Perhaps he needs to get some anti-depressants temporarily to lift his mood and give him some motivation. The fact he's working is good because that will take his mind of things for a few hours each day and give him a sense of purpose again in life, also the money should come in handy in helping pay for a place for himself if he would prefer that than to stay with you permanently. You could help by searching the internet or asking around for places that could help him set his own place up in your local area, get some numbers and pass them onto him.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 January 2013):
Hi there. Well one great thing for him, is the fact he is starting a new job, so that means he will have a steady stream of income.
I don't follow you about when you said, his father invited him over to this country - USA - but then kicked him out after about one month.
Where did your friend live before coming to the USA?
And why did he leave where he lived before?
Did he come to the USA to holiday initially, but now has decided to stay?
It's very hard to live in the USA unless you have a "Green Card", which I believe is an authority for a person to be able to work in the USA.
So what exactly, is the situation here?
I'm just a little confused.
It would help if you could clarify this for me, please.
Now, regards living arrangements.
If you have a spare room in your house or apartment, well then by all means offer it to him that he can stay there as long as he needs to.
And as you have said - "this guy I've been seeing for a while" - indicates, that it may not be boyfriend and girlfriend status, at the moment.
Or at least, it isn't being assumed to be that, right now.
And so for that reason, DON'T assume that you are boyfriend and girlfriend, and so give him a bedroom of his own, and where he can put any personal belongings he has.
Make that offer today.
Does he keep his stuff there now?
And I am asking this, because it means then that you will be seeing him when he gets home from work, won't you?
So that would be a perfect opportunity to invite him to stay for a while, until he decides what he eventually wants to do, and is a bit more financially secure.
And I am suggesting this, because you have already mentioned to him that he is - "welcome to say at my place if he needs to" - so it has already been suggested to him, hasn't it?
So as you have only casually mentioned this to him so far, well then all the more reason for you to now FORMALLY invite him to stay, and therefore making it official, that he CAN definitely stay.
You see, there is a vast difference between casually making a comment like "You are welcome to stay if you need to" - and actually deliberately and officially INVITING him to stay at your place, for as long as he needs to and wants to.
And you need to make this very clear to him, so he realizes that you mean what you say.
And he DOES need to know this, before he will even consider the offer.
Do you understand what I mean by this?
And as it seems that you care genuinely for him, well then it would make perfect sense for you to officially invite him to stay at your house - and with his very own room.
It is necessary that you give him his own room, so he doesn't make any assumptions, that you have some expectations of anything more than friendship, if you follow me.
So in other words, he can stay - but without any emotional ties.
Does that make sense?
And so by giving him his own room, he can see that you are being a good friend to him, and that you DO NOT expect anything in return.
And this is important.
And now that he is working, well then he will be able to pay some money - worked out between you both - towards food each week, and towards the rent, electricity, water, and telephone (if you use that phone, that is).
And this is entirely fair.
So don't be afraid to have this talk with him.
And of course, the perfect time to have this discussion, would be when you officially invite him to stay at your place.
So then he is clear on what is expected, right from the beginning, which will avoid any unnecessary arguments down the track.
And believe me, you don't want to be arguing over MONEY.
So it's really IMPORTANT that you DO discuss this matter at the same time as you invite him to stay.
That way, you are both on the same page.
So then, things will flow very smoothly - right from the start.
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