A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend lives with me and basically his maintenance for ex and child leaves him with no money for himself, he honestly has nothing left, I have to keep giving him cash handouts. He seems to think that he can even out the differences in contributions to our household by cooking the dinner or doing some laundry, when what he really needs to do is either find a way to earn more money or get his maintenance reduced. I keep asking him about this, because although I am glad he helps such a lot around the house, it would really, really be much more help if he paid his share properly and didn’t need bailing out all the time. He says he’s trying, but he seems to take advantage of the fact that I have no children or other dependants, therefore all I earn can go into our household, while he then can cover his maintenance, because I’ll look out for us. It doesn’t seem right to me.We had a huge argument today because we were discussing getting married, and I was thinking we should start saving towards the wedding, and he said why should he, my father can pay, that’s traditional. My father is a pensioner and has a hard time making it through the month let alone paying for a wedding. I think this is so unfair.What can I do? Should I rather end the relationship
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): WOW!!! ok, you need to make sure he's not manipulating the situation here. It sounds a bit dodgy to me. fair enough, he is trying pay his way frew house chores and cooking wich is decent of him, but you said yourself, it's not enough.If it doesn't feel right, then it's probably not. Subconsciously your body is just alerting you to what is wrong with the situation, even if things feel uncertain on a conscious level. The gut feeling is their to just alert you, so don't ignore it.realistically speaking, you have two options! ok you can tell him strait out how it is, or just carry on with the situation.I know you have already told him but you need to change your approach or things are not going to change. you need to be direct with him because then your speaking in the same language as a man and us women have completly different way of approaching things in a way that confuses men. so think assertive!you need to tell him straight out, look, I'm not happy with this situation, it doesn't feel right to me (fact) no on can argue your feelings because only you know how you feel inside. you need to pay your way finationaly or i we will have to rease are liveing situation/relationship, be it what ever suits you best.If you give him a direct order as to what you are going to do about the situation then he has no choise but to follow. he could either leave or go along with your wishes. either way, your a winner, because you will have your needs met or you will lose a bad boyfriend if he doesn't take what you say seriously.I think if he tries to argue your feelings or make you feel guilty then he is just manipulating you and is a bad boyfriend. On a positive note, you could thank your lucky stars that you were saved before it's to late and got married.I think if he's a good loveing boyfriend though, he will want you to be unhappy.I can understand the child matinence thing, but if he's not meeting your needs then he needs to move out or get another job.As for your dad paying for the wedding, i don't think so!!!! it's not your dads responsibility to pay, Wether it's tradition or not! if your dad wants to pay then that's fair enough but your boyfriend carn't just ashume and it's quite rude, to be honest.Don't give him money either. You shouldn't have to give your boyfriend hand outs. You are not responsible of taking care of him. One of/offs would be ok ocationaly because your a partnership so it's ok to support. Don't let him take advantage thoughgood luck
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I think you already know the answer on this one. He is taking advantage of you.
You value responsibility. He does not.
He is ok if someone ELSE foots the bill willingly, You are not. (By the way, I admire you view that you as an adult should save for your wedding and not depend on your poor Father!) His comment was unrealistic and inconsiderate of your Fathers circumstances.
Ask yourself this, if he was not forced to by the government, would he willingly pay maintenance to his ex and child? Probably not.
He should be helping out with the chores around home, but that is not a substitute for the costs of living.
He is quite comfortable as long as you keep maintaining his lifestyle and he can depend on someone else to make of the difference. He has no motivation to improove his own circumstances.
Be wary that you may be more "Mother" than partner.
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A
female
reader, Mummy86 +, writes (10 August 2011):
 it sound sto me that hes just using excuses, try and help him look for jobs etc, papers,internet, agencies. Im sorry to say but i think hes got used to the easy life and is taking advantage a bit, why would he want your dad to pay for the wedding now days a couple usually pay for it together and have some help from families, how long have you been together? i wouldnt marry him unless you know for sure hes going to pay his way and get a job! plus if you have your own house be careful, good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): If you marry based on potential, you'll have a miserable time of it. You can only marry based on what you see in front of you and the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.
You see how he is and yet you keep revisiting the scene of the crime as if things should be different. They won't be...accept it by lowering your expectations so you'll have a shot at a good marriage or don't accept it if you can't.
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A
female
reader, bunnyblueeyes +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Its definately unfair for him to expect your father to pay for the wedding, that tradition is pretty much totally outdated. And technically another outdated tradition if for the man to support the household, does he want to stick to that one too?.
You need to talk to him and explain that its nbot going to work. Since you both want marriage I presume you both want kids too, how will he supprt them?? He needs to decide whether you are worth working harder for.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 I am sure if he is not left with enough money to live on after paying maintenance for his child he can get the payments reduced, he needs to approach whoever set the amount in the first place, whether it was a family law court or government agency.
As for your supporting him, I wouldnt have a problem with this if i new there was an end date. If he doesnt have any money for himself, and you are supporting him, what's going to happen when you want to have children? Whose going to support them, your pensioner father after he pays for this user's wedding?
Lay it out for him, your father cannot pay for the wedding, and that he needs to be more proactive about bringing in some income. Let him know you dont want to take from his child, but he needs to pull his weight financially in the house.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): Yes you're right, he's being incredibly unfair. He shouldn't expect you to give him handouts, like he should NOT expect your dad to pay for your whole wedding. Yes it's traditional, but the reason the father paid for their daughters wedding back then was because they didn't cost even a fraction of how much weddings cost these days. I don't know anyone who's father paid for the WHOLE of their daughters wedding, it's far too expensive. You should say to him, isn't it a tradition the man has more money than the woman, and the MAN gives handouts to the woman, not the other way round? I'm sure he wouldn't like that.
It looks like to me he's a little immature. He needs to open his eyes and grow up a little. He needs to get a better job (if he has one) and sort himself out, else I would seriously re-consider being with this man.
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