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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I am a mother of 2 children and have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. He doesn't like to come to my house and feels I put my kids first although I do all I can to make him happy including staying at his house. He wants me to sell my house and move away from everybody. I dont want to give up what I have. Does anyone have any suugestions? Sheila. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (17 January 2007):
 If you do not want to move, don't.
Your boyfriend probably wants more commitment and live together as you have dated for two years.
You could always rent out your house and try it if that is what you want. If it does not work out, you still have your house. Buy to let is getting very popular as a long term investment, tax rebates available as a pension plan.
Putting your children first is your responsibility and choice, not up to anybody to dictate otherwise. If he cannot understand that, Tough! His problem, not yours.
Only you can decide what to do on this one
A
male
reader, candyman44 +, writes (17 January 2007):
 Hello Sheila.
I read with interest your problem letterand felt a response was needed as your situation is similar to mine.
In your position and knowing what I know now, I would sujest that you walk away from this person as quickly as possible.
He has no respect for your family values and your natural instincts as a mother.You have been with this man for 2 years but he still wants to be number one in your life and to hell with anyone else.The situation will cause ongoing resentment and arguments and believe me will eventually kill any love that you have for him.You have a hard decision to make and I wish you well
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female
reader, DEBS83 +, writes (16 January 2007):
 I AGREE HE SOUNDS A RITE CONTROL FREAK ID GET WELL AWAY FROM THIS MAN AS A MOTHER MY SELF I PUT MY CHILD BEFOR ANY ONE ELSE INCLUDIND MY PARTNER I TAKE IT HE ASNT GOT ANY KIDS?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): You certainly have a control freak here. I know from first hand experience. My first husband was just like this. We moved away and he beat the cr*p out of me on a regular basis. Sometimes in front of our kids. Don't for one minute consider this future with him. Get rid of him. How can he say he loves you if he wants you to push your kids into the background. Selfish! Don't ever do it. He wants to get lost and the sooner the better. No, i would get him right out of your life and your kids and i am sure you will all better much happier for this. Please don't move with him. Let us all know the outcome of this. Please.
Take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): I wouldn't go so far as calling him pure evil. I would imagine someone raping and killing for the heck of it as being quite evil.
Anyway, I don't think you should compromise your kids and your life for him. He seems to be quite a negative person that I don't think you need. If you are feeling down that you're older now and you might not get another chance of finding a man that would accept you, please reconsider again. It is a LOT better to be alone with your kids close to you, than to be far away without being close to those who should be the most important people in your life.
Basically put, he is an outsider while your kids are your children, who were created within you, born, and raised by you. To keep an open line with them should be the most important thing in the world to you. As with this guy, I think you're definitely better without him.
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A
female
reader, kim6906 +, writes (16 January 2007):
this guy sounds pure evil i think he is trying to lure you away from everything and everyone you no so he has complete control on you. and as for your children they are your flesh and blood and so they should come first if he cant except that then he is no good for you and as for moving away with him no way he sounds very dodgy to me. if you are happy where you are then stay there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): Hello Sheila, Well I am happy to be a part of those who we advice you on this present condition you are... Well I am a man and I know the evils men do to hurt women as well... it is not a matter of what you can do with this man, but a matter of you dumping him without thinking the kind of friendship you have gotten with him....Cox he never love you all all, if he does love you, he will never want u to sell your home, cox you selling your home is the way he wants to enter you, and I feel like you having that home now is why he is still giving you a little respect and with the way the man sound after you have sell your home, that he will turn his other bad side of him to you, and if he really love you, he will always let you put your kids first, so dear i am saying this to you directly to please dump this man before you losses your home, cox he will try his posible best to convience you till you sell your home, and this is the time you break up this friendship with him... and I will say for now that this will helps you and if you did not listen consider your self a loser.... dump the evil man you are going with cox he is a load and as you drop him shall your life shine...
Thanks and hope this helps
Master Advicer
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (16 January 2007):
 My ex-wife moved 1800 miles away from our 3 year-old child to be with her "soul mate." She moved to an area where he controlled everything. She had no friends and was isolated. According to her father, her "soul mate" beat her up and tried drowning her in the community pool. She soon came back home, with her tail between her legs. She had given up everything for this "a-hole" and ended up losing the respect of everyone that knew her before. No mother leaves her child or children for anybody. . . .
Don't let your loser boyfriend try to come between you and your children. Drop him . . . fast.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): Sheila, you don't give up anything!I am assuming your children live with you and are your dependants. I have to then ask why a man who loves you is asking you to forgo putting your kids first, in your life and asking you to sell your home and uproot your life and move away with him. He has no 'dibs' on your properties, assests. It's none of his business. Let face the painful truth here. You have to know this is way out of line, don't you, dear? Think long and hard about what this man is doing. He sounds like a selfish, controlling man,,who wants you all to himself. In other words, he doesn't love you, he doesn't want have an equal, balanced relationship, based on respect for you. He wants to make 'you' his property. Keep your house and raise your children in the home where they feel safe and secure. No decent man in his right mind would ask that of you. He knew what he was signing up for when he met you. Don't make any regretful sacrifices to appease a man, who is clearly being selfish, and manipulative with you. So Sheila, if he insists on continuing this abhorrent behaviour you need to know..it's ultimatum time for this guy. Either he takes you 'as is' and gets his act together or he hits the road...plain and simple. You never, never allow any man to dictate your life when you have children depending on you. Protect your assets (money from the sale of property), protect your children and protect yourself. Be strong, dear...be really, really strong and never allow anyone to do this to you. Take care and keep me posted.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (16 January 2007):
 He feels like you put your kids first? You SHOULD put your kids first, and I think it's great that you care so much about them.
If this guy really likes YOU, he needs to realize that your kids are part of you and he needs to accept and love the whole package. If you're even thinking about leaving your kids behind when you go and take a chance on this guy - well... I don't want to be mean, but that wouldn't be a great idea. Your kids need a mother in their life, and it would probably be great for them to have a positive male role model. Is this the guy to do that job? It doesn't sound like it.
Seems like you've tried to make him happy, but if you ask me, he's gone too far. You want a man who loves you and your kids. He needs to accept them and love them as much as you do. Once they're grown and adults, then you can think about moving, but for now? This guy sounds like a real loser.
Find yourself someone who will care for your children and care for you.
There's plenty of good guys out there, sweetness.
xxIndia
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): i just have to say that i started crying reading this. just the fact that you posted it, to me says you've considerd even for a millisecond, leaving what you have for this asshole. you know what the right thing to do is here, and it doesnt need to be answered by strangers. if you really have a guy that doesnt understand that your CHILDREN belong FIRST in your life ALWAYS, you have the wrong guy. i dont care if he's perfect any other way. im 21 and have a dad who did what your "boyfriend" wants you to do, except he did it and just rarely talked to us. i dont care what you think, this guy is trouble to want to take you away from your children. they'll never forgive you, and i have a feeling you'd never forgive yourself. im sorry for the harshness and bluntness of this answer, i do wish the best for you, but please dont do be with somebody who cant accept your own flesh and blood. get rid of him.
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female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (16 January 2007):
 I sure hope that this guy is not expecting you to give up your children to be with him. If he doesn't understand that a mother puts her children ahead of her romance the majority of the time, he is not the peron to be dating if you have children. I question his commitment to you if he is not willing to accept the children too. I also am concerned that if this reltionship DOES go furher, how will he treat the children if he resents them for taking up too much of your tim and attention. This sounds like a bad situation. Not saying don't date him, but your comments about his feeling toward your kids (along with the fact that he wants you to move away from everybody) raises my red flag and gives me the willies. Naturally, all my comments are based on my belief that your children still live with you and are not yet adults. If your children are adults, independant, and living away fom home, I may change my advice, but it STILL gves me the willies that he is asking YOU to give all this up to totally depend on him... sounds like a creepy situation.
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