A
male
age
36-40,
*am07301985
writes:My story is very complicated but I really need advice on what to do. I am 26 years old im about to start Grad School. I was raised in a very Christian home which I am proud of because of the values my parents set. The issue is Im Bi-Sexual and have been in a relationship with a 37 year old man for 2 1/2 years. Since growing up in a Christian home I obviously didnt date and my parents still dont know about me and the man Im with. He;s the only real relationship ive had hes the first person I fell in love with. Neithor one of us are feminine so its very easy for me to conceal whats truly going on. When I met him it was like love at first sight and try to imagine having those feelings for someone who is of the same sex whenever you despise the fact that you like the same sex. At the time I workerd as an Investigator for Child Protective services. We started dating pretty quickly but it was a long distance relationship he lived about 2 1/2 hours away. We saw each other every weekend. Everything was going great for a while he is the most sweet loving caring person Ive ever met. But when I would make him mad he would say anything to hurt me. Its honeslty just like split personalities. So at the beginning of the relationship I would fight back but I wouldnt try to hurt him I would try to make him see why I was mad. But it didnt matter when hes angry hes furious and very verbally abusive. But then after he calms down he becomes the person that I fell in love with. about 7 months ago he lost his job. He moved in with me. So since hes mved in Ive been the one that supports him. He tries to get work but the economy is bad so all hes doing is subbing at a middle school whenever they call him. Before he moved in we probbly broke up three or four times usually after i would recieve a txt message or email saying what a piece of sh** I am and so on and so on. One day I asked him why he gets so angry and he says that he will say anything to hurt me so I will let the issue drop of whatever is going wrong at the time. His mother is majorly bi-polar shes on her 5th marriage and my boy friend has been the brunt of her anger for many years so I know where this is stemming from. IN the past seven months i do the cooking, buy the groceries, pay the bills, and do most of the cleaning even when he is home doing nothing. WHen i ask for help he turns into his evil self so I gave up on asking. Im always the one that runs back to him even when i know hes in the wrong. I always try to calm him down when he gets mad because Im scared of what mean things hes going to say. So now Im pretty brocken with a low self confidence. Im afraid to stand up fpr my self because I dont want the nice sweet amazing boyfriend to turn into the evil one. Now things are going good for him hes about to become a teacher he is great with kids. He just changed all his information from the state he used to live in to the state i live in such as his license and things of that nature so that he could get grants to get certified as a teacher. Last night and this morning we had arguments where he became the mean hateful person that he can be. Ive told him that I cant do this anymore that he is beating me down emotionally. He asked me if we can just be roomates until he gets himself established because he has no where to go. But I cant just be roomates because I know that he will become the nice amazing person I know and then I will fall back into the cycle of abuse. And then I think I cant ruin his dreams by throwing him out because I know how much I care for him and love him and I want him to succeed. He truly has two differant personalities. But hes only mean when we get in an argument. He always turns everything around on me. And sometimes I just want to scream and tell him what other man 12 years younger than him would do everything Ive done and put up with the verball abuse. I dont every get to see my family anymore because I cant bring him to my familys house. I dont get to see my friends anymore because he has no friends here and I feel like I have to be with him because I dont want him to feel sad and alone. The stress from everything is causing physical health problems to me. And then I struggle with the fact that I want a family and kids and I want to be married to a woman that I can bring home to my family I want to give my parents grand children and that would never happen with him. But he is the only person in my life that ive ever fell in love with so Im at a loss as to what I should do. I know deep down its best if i just make him leave but then this over whelming feeling of despair comes over me knowing that Im throwing out the one person that truly made me happy and ruining his dreams of becoming a teacher. I just want to throw out the hateful part of him that causes me so much hurt and pain. Because he truly can be a most amazaing human being when hes not mad. What to do I do? DO i make him leave now, do i try the roomate thing or what? I also worry that he might try to hurt himself because he will have no support and he will fall into a depression. Just thinking about losing him kils me. I keep thinking of all the great times we had together and how much he loved me and i loved him. But theres to many issues I think and Im fed up with being torn down when I am not the one in the wrong. I think the bad outways the good now. Ill give you one instance of a fight. He snores really bad and alot of times I sleep on the couch even tho its my bed. So I slept on the couch last night because I knew he had to wake up early. I barely got anysleep and I also have to be up early but one hour after he does. So when he got up at 6 he comes out and turns on lights that wake me up. I askled him to close the door or turn out one of the lights so I can sleep and he blew up on me saying hes not turning any lights off and hes not going to be quiet. So even tho I was nice and let him sleep in my bed because he snored he couldnt have the common courtesy to be quiet when i was trying to sleep! Sorry for the long story I think I should go to therapy lol Thanks for any input!
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broke up, christian, confidence, fell in love, long distance, lost his job, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): Hi. I read your post and feel really sorry for what you're goung through. I'd love to tell you all will be fine and that the 'moods' of your bf will eventually subside and you two will be happy together. Unfortunately, as much as I think about it, there's no way around; you must ditch him and the sooner the better (!) Even though you're only no starting to realise it, you're being completely manipulated and emotionally abused. Regardless of whatever problems he has, you're not the one who's going to 'rescue' him -- first, because he doesn't should like he wants to be rescued; second, because you feeling sorry for him is what's keeping you going. Honestly, you seem to already be hitting the bottom. Ditch him, and do it fast. No matter how hard it is...in the long run you'll find someone who'll truely care for you and treat you well and respect you -- all the time -- and this episode will just be a bad memory. Be polite but firm. And put your feelings aside. See this for what it is: an abusive relationship! Good luck.
A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (8 January 2012):
 Get the man out of your house and out of your life. It will be the best for your long term well being. Although this is a very hard choice. You still MUST do it. Its imperative.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 I totally understand where you are coming from, you are accepting this relationship and investing everything in to it because you feel that you do not deserve any better and you are scared that you will never get anybody else who you love so you just hang on to the little bit of hope that deep down he is quite good, but he is not. He is treating you bad, it is almost like he knew you had self esteem issues when he met you and he played on those to get under your skin and control you in to accepting his bad behaviour. Yes it is a huge step to let go off this relationship, and not an easy one but it is one you need to do in order to get yourself back on track. Yes it will take time but you need to help yourself here. I am glad that you have got yourself in shape and you are healthy, but yes it is true our past always comes back to haunt us and makes us feel worthless when we think of the bullying. But the bullies where the one in the wrong for the way they treated you, not you. You need to learn that they are the ones that are worthless and gutless and they take there insecurities out by bullying other people. You need to get your confidence up. Get this man out of your life. Join new clubs, and hobbies that you would like to try then do them. Being good at something is an amazing feeling and often with it can come new friendships. Believe in yourself you can change your world around if you believe in yourself and work hard to prove to them bullies that you are not worthless and that you are a confident young man that is worthy of TRUE love.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Yes, get the man out of your house and out of your life.Also, try to get people to respect you and not just see you as someone they can abuse.Accept you're gay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): Whatever is going on with him internally to make him this way, you can't fix it. Nothing that you do will ever change him- he has to do that himself if he wants to and he may need medication if he is also bipolar.
It is really hard to let go if he was very good to you in the beginning but the nastiness and other problems are here to stay in this relationship. You need to get him out of your life and start dealing with your own issues of feeling like you have to fix everything for people to like you. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): Aunt Honesty is right, you do know what's best for you and you do know what is best for your long term future too OP.
If you came here for some magical answer on a way to make this easy I'm sorry but there really isn't any. If you've come looking for a way to fix him, sorry again but you know that's not possible. He's 37 OP you can't teach an old dog new tricks and besides what reason has to change when he knows he'll never lose you because you're all talk and no action, all the actions you ever take are meaningless because you always end up caving in.
OP you're living in a dream world, he's not wonderful and amazing he's a fucked up loser (see below) and you're his puppy dog.
OP you have the typical mentality of an abuse victim and you know it too. You're intelligent, insightful and observant, think of a woman that speaks about a guy this way and you'll see what I mean. You'd grab her by the shoulders and slap her face and say "there is nothing good about this man" because that amazingly sweet side to him is actually part of an abusive cycle, it's a deception, that sweet guy is not who he really is as you like to convince yourself, that's part and parcel of his abusive hold on you. So that sweetness is poison, it's not good, it's not nice it's a manipulation and technique.
Read this OP: http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Look you have to know there is nothing good about this guy, nothing. Saying this abusive prick is lovely one minute is like saying an axe murderer is a good person because they mow your lawn for you while you're away on holidays. Or a paedophile is a good person because they donate money to charity. OP my point is there are fundamental flaws in the characters of some people that make all the good things they do bullshit and irrelevant. An emotional, mental abuser is a mental and emotional abuser as their main trait. That is the characteristic that is the biggest fundamental trait because that's the one that causes the most damage. Just like a kiddy fiddler, that is what they are, they should not be considered anything other than that because in order to protect children from such a person then all other "nice" parts of their personality must be forgotten. You have to forget about all these nice times, words and stuff because this is just causing you long term damage. Read that article above.
It's pretty clear isn't it? It's amazing how much you have put up with from this guy isn't it? You're in despair, you feel hopeless and are convinced that he is somehow the only chance you have at love. He's not, he's just the first and there will be others. Maybe you only think you're bi OP maybe you haven't been successful so far because it's women you've tried to fall in love with and you can only fall in love with men.
OP all the bi people I know and I know quite a few say that it's only a sexual thing. They're sexually attracted to both genders but they all tell me they can only love one gender. I know girls that are bi that would never consider romance with another girl because love isn't possible bu they are very sexually attracted to them. I know bi guys who can only love men, etc.
Perhaps you are similar but there really is only one way to find out and you really have to stop feeling guilty and responsible for this guy he's fucking nearly 40 OP, he's a grown man not a baby. He can get an apartment by the end of the week and set himself up easily but he has no need because he knows deep down you will never leave him. You have to prove him wrong.
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A
male
reader, sam07301985 +, writes (6 January 2012):
sam07301985 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank You Aunt Honesty for spending the time to tell me what you think. And you are right and thats the sad thing, that I know you are right and I know what to do but I for some reason always falter when I try to do what is right. I know its because of low self esteem and feeling like I wont find anyone else. I was very fat growing up but now I'm not. I am in shape and good looking but I have such a low self esteem from all the people that made fun of me for being fat. It's crazy that as adults so many of us hold on to the things that people did to hurt us as children and teenagers. I wonder sometimes if I will ever feel like I do not need to make people happy to have them like me! For too long ive held on to the past Ive let it cripple my life and ruin friendships. I don't know how to fix this flaw that I have!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (6 January 2012):
You know and I know what you need to do here. You need to get him out of your house and move forward with your life, Will it be easy?? No probably not, but you can do it. He is very disrespectful to you the person who is supporting him and nobody deserves to be treated like that. This is not the way you treat someone that you love, he has deep anger issues which worries me because he works with children. He might be good with children, but it sounds like when his anger takes over he has no control. He has broken you down piece by piece so that you are left with no confidence and no will power to leave him. You know room mates is not going to work and you need to stop feeling guilty, you are not responsible for this man. You need to end this relationship before you are completely broken down and you become a door mat. Explain to him that you have had enough and tell him you want him to leave your house as soon as he can. Yes he probably will try and talk you out of it, but you need to forget the good times and remember all the bad times and why you are doing this. Tell him he should look in to getting help with his anger. Be strong and firm with him.
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