A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid...So in November I met this guy and we started talking and hitting it off immediately. I thought he was so sweet (and still do) and we told each other everything. However... I was honest with him and told him that there was someone else I had been trying to get over but that I still wanted to try things with him because he's someone i genuinely liked. As time went on... we got to know each other more and I saw more of his personality come out.... and I found out that he's quite the jealous type. There was a time I didn't reply to his texts because I fell asleep for a couple hours because I was sick and I woke up to him telling me it was done and that he never wanted to speak to me again. It took so much to get things back to normal that night and it was really exhausting. A few other instances are... every time I friended someone on facebook and it was a guy he'd immediately start asking why I did and if I was seeing them at all and it just seemed so ridiculous. I started to feel really freaked out by his jealousy trait and I know he was really threatened by the guy I was trying to get over/am over... (we'll call him Shane). I still talk to shane because we really are good friends and we were able to settle differences and be cool with each other... with that said I really value our friendship and when my guy asked if I still talked to him... i sort of told a little white lie and said no because I was scared as to how he would react given the way i've seen his reactions to other things. I know I should have been honest but when someone acts that crazy I just didn't know what to do. I drove down to see him and my phone lit up with a text... he demanded to see who it was and that I show him the text..... ironically enough it was shane so I got nervous and said it was never ok to look through someone's phone and that its none of his business. After he had prodded me about the text and seeing that he couldnt let it go... i told him that it was shane and he got out of my car and said he never wanted to speak to me again. Of course... we started talking again and everything was fine but I just didnt have the guts to tell him that the reason why i told that little white lie is because he acts so crazy. I don't know why I like this guy so much because he really does have a good side but his jealousy is terrible and he always thinks im sleeping around when that is so far from the truth. My question is... is this worth pursuing or is it just a terrible idea.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): He sounds like my ex. Run for the hills!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): You are dealing with a nut case.
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A
female
reader, Ask_Jess  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 To be honest, it seems to me that if this is how he is acting so early on then things would only get worse the longer you are together. My friend has been married to her husband since they were both 16 (now in their 40's) and he doesn't even let her go and see westlife in concert because he gets jealous. He doesn't let her come over the road to our house so she has to come over when he's at work. I think you either speak to him about how you feel, tell him he needs to trust you and give you a little room to breathe, or call it quits before it gets any more serious. Maybe if you spoke to him he might change his behaviour... you could make a decision after you have spoken to him and given him a chance to change.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 You don't have the guts to tell him he is acting crazy? Do yourself and him as well a favour and tell him he is acting crazy. Tell him that because of his reactions you feared of telling him the truth. Then tell him the truth. Then break up with him. You can't be in a relationship with a guy you can't be honest with. Now, while it was a bad idea to tell your love interest that you might still have feelings for someone else, he is still acting too jealous about every other thing. You didn't start this jealousy in him, he was probably already that way when you met him. And then when you told him you might still have feelings for someone else you didn't make it any better.
He doesn't trust you, and you can't be honest with him. If you and him want this to work then YOU need to start getting honest and start ensuring him that it is him you want and not Shane, which includes not talking to Shane so much. Talking to exes or people you were in love with, when it was recently, can make anyone nervous. He on the other hand need to stop will the jealous outbursts, completely stop. But I sincere doubt either of you can do what needs to be done as they are very difficult tasks. Winning over trust where there is none is close to hopeless. Overcoming jealousy is also very difficult. It's a learning process.. and can take years.
Leave him be. Figure out your relationship with Shane. I would be nervous too that you are still holding a torch for him, and lying about talking to him doesn't make your case look any better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): "I'm never speaking to you again." "Right then, fuck off you little baby." That's what your reply should be next time OP.
Because he's played that childish, immature emotionally abusive card more than once on you hasn't he? He will do that every time you have an argument. I mean come on, are you seriously going to date a guy who throws a fucking tantrum and tells you he's never going to speak to you again every time you have an argument? What woman puts up with that kind of behaviour? He needs a mommy, not a girlfriend.
"I;m never going to speak to you again" Read that phrase over and over again, it gets worse every time I read it. What a messed up little boy he is.
That's his solution to everything that doesn't go his way, he's pathetic. No communication, no relationship. Move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): A terrible idea, a very terrible idea. No offence to aunt honesty but completely ignore her advice. You've only known him the better part of a month and he's already insanely jealous, possessive and controlling? OP this is the time he's supposed to be wooing you, showing you his best side and trying to win you over but he's all consumed by his jealousy and rage. My God, run!
Unlike what aunthonesty says you can't ask someone to change after 1 month, not only that but there is no chance in hell he's going to change. As I said OP, this is the honeymoon period, this is the "sweet nothings, holding hands, eye gazing longingly" time before you even get to know each other properly and he's already acting like a complete psycho.
OP don't "give him a chance to prove himself" he had 1 month to prove himself and he's turned out to be a complete nut case. What happens when the honeymoon period ends and he's no longer trying to impress you? You think this is bad now then it's only going to get a million times worse.
You see even if Honesty is right and he's insecure or has been hurt in the past then glaringly obvious he's nowhere near ready to be in a healthy relationship. You want a lover, an equal partner, someone to make you feel good and raise you up, not some paranoid freak who smothers you and questions your every move. He's simply not relationship material and that is not going to change.
Read over your question again OP. One month and that's a hell of a lot of drama to have happened isn't it? That's far too much crap to have to live with. Most women would have told his to piss off the first time he tried that crap and with good reason too OP.
He is not worth pursuing, this amazing connection you have cannot outweigh the jealousy, possessiveness and controlling paranoia. This will not lead to a healthy relationship OP, it will just mean heartache and pain for you. I mean come 1 fucking month and this guy is acting like a complete bunny boiler, what's he going to be like once the honeymoon is over? It'll only get worse, I can tell you. He may even be a grade A abuser, he is exhibiting all the controlling nature of one already. You cannot lower your standards this far that will accept this kind of crap from him.
Minor jealousy can be cute, a tiny bit, a bit of jealousy you know is there but the guy never punishes you for it. What this guy is doing is dangerous and he will not change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): He has abandonment issues, jealousy/insecurity/fear that is triggered by unrealistic expectations you be on hand anytime he wants and needs you; so that will have you walking on eggshells. Add to that he has anger management issues.Hes not healthy and may not be for sometime unless he addresses all these issues in counselling.Please adopt the habit to be honest no matter. IF a man is going to get so angry that it is out of control- not healthy and run from such a man. Most healthy adults with great coping skills, great communication, and healthy expectations can handle the truth and do not have such triggers.So I say, unless he sees he is abusive/controling and the more time you spend with him, the anger, jealousy, control escalates- the more you will become unhappy.Think that is worth it?Never invest more in a relationship than you are prepared to lose. ~ Dr Philhttp://www.drphil.com/articles/article/323http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/172*hugs*
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A
female
reader, Emily20  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 My dear, you don't have to put up with a jealous guy, you cant continue like this, what i want you to do is to talk to him, sit him down when the two of you are together, let him know,that you are kicking against his jealousy, but you are letting him know that jealousy is not the best way.He should believe in you, and know that you will not hurt him, but if he continues my dear you have to let go, jealousy is not a good trait in a relationship, he can do something nasty, to you be careful, the ball is in your court now, play it well. good luck
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 My guess is that he was badly hurt in the past and now he finds it hard to trust someone, so with you lying to him about Shane however small it was it just shows him that he cannot trust you either. He has self esteem issues and he does need to get his behaviour sorted or else he will end up losing you. You need to be brave and strong and talk to him about this. Just be honest with him and tell him that his behaviour is wrong and that it needs to change or else he will lose you. You need to give him that chance to try and change. Explain to him why you lied to him about shane and be truthful with him believe me its the best way to be. Give him a chance to prove himself.
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