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age
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writes: I've read a good number of posts on the subject, but I want to see if anyone can give me a little insight on what I can do.A few days ago my boyfriend questioned my past. We had a long talk about it, not going into any specifics, and things seemed to be alright. The next morning he was totally distraught, began questioning me on numbers and details, and I didn't want to lie to him so I told him the truth, which only seemed to make things worse. He wouldn't talk to me, and finally I left his place and he drove back home to his parents house a few hours away, calling me when he was on the way there to tell me he left.We are still pretty young (he's 23, I'm 20) but I'm certain that he's the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. He feels the same way, which he says is what's making this so hard to deal with. He'll be away for a while, working for his dad, but we still talk on the phone. He said at first he felt depressed, then angry, and he took that anger out on me. It hurt at the time, a lot, but he apologized after. I told him that I understand he's upset, and if he needs to take his anger out on me he can, I can deal with it. We're both dedicated to each other and to figuring something out. He also said today that he's not upset it happened, but now he's unsure of the kind of person I really am. Just for the record, I'd slept with 6 guys before him, first being a long term relationship which was very unhealthy, ended in me cheating on him, which was the worst mistake of my life and will never happen again. He already knew about those 2, I told him that near the beginning of our relationship, which was very difficult. After that break up I went a little crazy and started to see sex in a different light, which is where the remaining numbers come in, 1 involving dates, and sadly all over the course of one summer. He found out by reading old facebook messages that it was very recent before I met him, which I wasn't going to tell him.I've told him that I was just curious, trying out something, but quickly realizing that it wasn't right. He says that he doesn't know if I stopped for that reason or because I met him.Also, his past is much more modest, he's only been with one girl before me. He said that he's not sure if he feels inferior to me for it or the other way around.I understand that this can be a very difficult thing for men to go through, and I just want to help him in any way that I can. What we have is so perfect and I don't want to lose it over this. Thanks for any advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): O.P. here
The issue is that he doesn't feel special. He's sad that I would give something so important away to those losers, and now he doesn't see how it's special with him. He does have insecurities about himself besides this, which I think is a big factor in his reacting to it like he did. Lately these self esteem issues have been bringing both of us down. We're slowly working through it though. I just have to learn when to leave him alone and when to be there to comfort him. We've been talking on the phone a few times a day and every night for a few hours. I'm going to see him in a week.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): But why is it always called "insecurity" not to want a partner who has been slutty in the past? Is it "insecurity" not to want a parter with STDs, too? How about a partner who just stopped gambling last year and has $150,000 in debt to show for it? If I don't want to deal with that, is it because I'm too insecure to deal with a partner in debt? You can't have this both ways! Either the past affects the person you are in the present or it does not. One or the other. You can't say the past does affect the present whenever it supports your case, and then turn around and say it does not whenever it stands to damage your case.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Thanks for your update. It is great news. He will see the truth and it will set him free.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): Good luck to the both of you, hope it continues to work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your replies.
Last night he called me, crying, saying that he'd relived this very special moment we'd had at his parent's house, I gave him a picture I drew with a poem written on the back. He went into that room and remembered it all and realized how stupid he's been. He poured his heart out to me, it was incredibly touching, something I will never ever forget.
I think everything is going to be ok :)
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male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (8 May 2010):
Hey
You seem really insightful and responsible in handling this situation. You are right, some guys can react to the past badly and this includes them getting angry. Anger can often be out of frustration of not being able to communicate feelings properly. The fact your guy is finding this issue hard is not indicative that he is terribly insecure. Remember that we all have insecurities, and this just happens to be his.
I do think a lot of the problem is that he had only been with one other person. Whether he can see this right now, he probably feels inadequate. This is more for something for you to remember, rather than for him to be told.
What I would say is to really try to move on from this is to first, both decide that everything has been talked about regarding the "physical details" of the past. Agree that there is nothing left to say and you aren't going to say anything again. Next, I would say, invest yourself in making him feel secure, loved, and the most special guy in your life. Try not to refer to any past guys again, even if it seems innocent.
What you need to look out for is, when you are investing yourself, is he improving? This makes the difference between a healthy relationship, and one that is going to turn bad.
Your boyfriend has a responsibility to himself to get over these feelings. It is always possible he is too insecure and it will end up ruining your feelings for him, but again this could simply be a temporary stage in your relationship that he will pass as he builds secure in it.
You might want to look up "retroactive jealousy" there is some interesting things on the topic. You sound a great gf to me so good luck with it all!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): Was it always "the right choice at the time" when a person caught HIV from a bad sexual decision?
Sheesh. Grow up, people. Some choices are just plain bad news and have absolutely no positives.
Everyone knows this is true in any other area of life. But when it comes to sexual decisions everyone suddenly puts away their common sense and becomes too politically correct to call things what they are.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (8 May 2010):
The past made you what you are today . Never regret your past. It was right at that time . It is a matter of choice.
If he loves you , he has to accept your past as it comes in a total package. If he has issues with your past, it means that his love is not deep enough to overcome those issues.
There is nothing you can do about your past or help him see the truth. It is his problem. He has to grow up.
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male
reader, bournedout  +, writes (8 May 2010):
I feel that this is just something he is going to have to learn to accept. If he can't, then you guys may not work out. I know that would be very painful for you, and you hate that possibility, but imagine getting married and him still resenting this. It won't be happy in the end for either of you. No, I don't think there is much more you can or should do.
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female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (8 May 2010):
 I hope he accepts your past. If he doesn't then he is extremely insecure about himself and you're better off without him. Just give him some time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): Well some men don't care and some men do, same goes for women I'd imagine.
I guess your past is understandable by my standards coz I always look at it as "its the past, you can't take it back". Ofc the past does mold you into the person you are now so its just a question if one loves the person that is in front of him/her.
Well these are words which I would use to help the guy out so they won't do u much good since he is the one with the problem but hopefully he'll come around. All u can rly do is just be there for him and hopefully he makes the right choice.
Good luck though, I hope he's as mature as one can hope
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female
reader, Blue Sahara +, writes (8 May 2010):
 He was angry? For what reason? What did your sexual past have to do with him? Anger is a completely inappropriate emotion to this issue. Sadness? Ok I can see that. Feeling insecure? I can see that too. But anger?! You didn't cheat on him. You didn't know you were going to met him some day and decided to get a little action in before you met him.
Yes there are some guys who have a problem with a woman's sexual past. Some guys like to feel like they were the one who was good enough to earn the right to sleep with you. Some guys like to not worry about you thinking "Danny didn't do it that way!" But if a guy loves you, even if it makes him feel insecure, he isn't going to throw a hissy fit about choices you made in your life.
I'm sorry if this is harsh but he needs to grow up a little. I know he is young, I dated a guy younger than me once and I had this issue too. But my guy had to grow up too.
Let me tell you this. He had no right to say you were inferior for what you did in your past. This isn't one of those times you have to learn ways to make him feel comfortable. This is one of those times you tell your boyfriend that he needs to accept every part of you, good and bad. And not judge you for it. Cause I assure you if he doesn't get that message now, he will hold this over your head the rest of the relationship. And it will kill your lovelife. He will always use this an excuse for why he isn't preforming will enoough or why he doesn't want to perform or whatever. If you ever don't respond the way he likes he might get snippy about it thinking your partners in the past are the issue.
Trust me, it isn't worth the headache (and the chipping away of your self image). So let him know now you love him and if he loves you he has to accept all of you. Even the things he might think are blemishes.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 May 2010):
But it's not really a difficult thing for men to go through. Most men don't care. The ones that do are usually terribly insecure. I've honestly never asked a woman about her past, because as far as I'm concerned, it's her past. Your past is your past and he has no right to be angry at you, hurt by it or anything like that. He wanted to know, and now he knows the truth. If he can't accept it and move on from it, then he's not worth another moment of your time. Your past is your past, and it's private. You don't have to explain it, you don't have to feel sorry for it. You also don't have to help him through it. That's not your job. He either accepts you as you are, or you have to move on. Don't sit there taking all his insecure emotions just because he can't handle the answer you gave him to a question he asked. He wanted to know, you told him. It's his problem, not yours.
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