A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I badly need advise before I materialize my plans.I met this guy exactly 5 months ago online as a way of coping up with a break-up. Anyway, he is younger than me by 7 years and at first we were just chatting out of boredom, I didn't even care how long our online friendship will last. But slowly he told me likes me and that he wanted to meet me in person. But we couldn't as I work abroad and he knows that. I am coming home in August and we have been making plans, BIG plans to see each other. He will pick me up at the airport and he wants me to meet his mom. He always insert his mom in our topic and I think he loves her so much, so I am curious to meet her too. The other thing is, he asked me if he could come with me to my home city. I told him I would be visiting my relatives and will be with my family so I can't possibly attend to him but he said he doesn't mind, he will try to blend. Personality wise, he is nice and we talk decently all the time. Most of our topic is always about family. He said, he wanted to see his dad who left their family for another woman. He wants me and him to confront his dad whom he hadn't seen for years. He will introduce me to his grandmother and aunts on his father's side.When I talk about plans for myself such as buying a house, he wants to be a part of it. He always talks about me and him being married one day. He would post messages on my facebook that he misses me, luckily my family don't use the internet as much as I do.Now, August is a few months away and I am wondering if I should really push with our plans. To be honest, I am starting to like him but I am scared this will break my heart again. And this seems to be too fast for me. I have never mentioned him to anyone in my family yet, this seems so unreal. Sometimes I think maybe he is inexperienced because his only relationship was 5 years ago with a girl who left him for another guy.I don't know what to do with him. Sorry for the long post. I need advise. Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, me being out of the country to work is just obvious that I earn more then he does. We both know that, and we even had agreements that I would help him get a job like I do. Anyway, he doesn't want me to entirely pay for the i phone, he has half of the money to buy.
Thank you guys, I will just refuse him and let's see where this goes. Anyway, I know this will hurt but at least my question is answered. And the earlier I discover things, the better for my welfare.
Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): Hmm its a bit strange that he asked for money out of the blue or did he really ask it just like that? I'm just trying think how the conversation was going before he asked.
Either way I don't think an Iphone is an integral part for his life in order to survive and I can think of a million other things to use the money for.
On the principle of borrowing money, I usually feel awkward to ask someone for money but I don't feel that way to people who truly wish to help to help me out from time to time. But you guys haven't met yet so I would see it as a red flag. It seems like he knows a bit about your financial situation?
So deny his request and continue on.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 May 2010):
 I will be 30 and I don't own an iphone and never will. He's from generation Y. I am from the older generation and I can't relate to these youngsters using high tech gadgets. Tell him you are not excited about the idea of an iphone. Or better yet. Just ask, what's an iphone? He should save up from his night job or sell a few of his paintings to get one. Once he knows he can't use you as a cash cow maybe all the talks about family, housing, innocent love would cease.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, an update:
This week I chatted with him every single day, and guess what? He wanted to know if he can borrow some cash from me as he wanted to buy an iphone. I told him I do have money but will be paying for something important. (I need to think about this yet before I dispense)
I know this is red flag, do you agree?
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 May 2010):
 Xearo is right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): I don't know if u are being deceived coz I don't know the guy.
From what you have written there isn't anything that indicates foul play or the behavior of a bad guy. It's either you take the chance or you don't, that's what life is about. It's not my decision to make, its yours.
I don't know what steps u can take, but it always helps to make concrete plans when you are visiting so at least you guys do get to spend some time together. Talk it over with him and try to be decisive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe truth? Yes, I have feelings for him. I like how he loves his family, how he loves his mom and takes care of his brother. I admire that he appreciates simple things in life and I know by the way he talks about things that he is not the know-it-all guy. He sounds naive about things sometimes. He admits indirectly that he is not as smart or as bright.
I really am liking him more everytime, and that is why I wanted an advise if you think I am being deceived her. What will I do, should I go ahead and meet him in August and take him to my city to meet my family.
If you can suggest what steps I can do, I will really appreciate it...
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 May 2010):
Why do you think he wants to take advantage of you? Can't he be a simple, somewhat disoriented fellow who fell for you?
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reader, bournedout  +, writes (8 May 2010):
My answer is still the same. Your additional reasons for being afraid are perfectly valid. I really hope you do not do this. I don't even know you and I am very worried for you. The pain you will feel for hurting his feelings would seem trivial compared to the pain of a destructive relationship.
By the way, what do *you* like about him? Your posts have focused a lot on what he likes about you. Are you having feelings for him simply in reaction to the feelings he has for you? Aren't you supposed to have relationships with people you like and respect on their own merits? It is very intoxicating to be the object of desire. That by itself, however, is *not* a solid basis for a relationship. You may be the girl of his dreams, but he may not be the guy of your dreams.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for taking time to read and react to my post.
First thing, my real age is 30, and he is 23. Janniepeg kinda hit it with "go home by yourself". The truth is, ofcourse since he is coming with me to all the places I am going is that he will spend days with me. What I am bothered about is he may be an opportunist.
Right now, he has no decent job..which means he has no money. He is working as a drawing artist at a mallat day time, a cashier at a SPA at nighttime. His 2 brothers are seamen and are practically the ones who feed his mom and little brother. I am going to pay everything but I don't mind as long as he sincerely likes me.
My best guess is, he just wanted out of his situation right now and he sees me as a way out or sees me as his savior. He said so many times that I am the perfect girl for him, he said I am pretty, responsible, absolutely single with no kids at all, hardworking, has good job, have solid future plans etc. But these things I don't mind, everyone wants a good partner anyway. So this is okay as long as he couples this with love and sincerity that I can be the woman for him and not only someone he can take advantage of for the time being.
I have chatted with his mom very briefly one time and we said hi to each other, I even saw her on the cam. Also his brother who was home for a vacation at that time. I always see his 8 yr old younger brother with him when we chat. I am starting to really like him. I really admire how simple his life is and how simple he thinks of life.
So my question is, going back to our BIG plans when I go home. Do you think I should continue given all the things I further revealed. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be hurt too.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 May 2010):
He does seem unreal. How do you know he's telling the truth about his age. If he's 18 then it means he had his last relationship at 13 so he dated at the age of 12? What!
One good thing he did was helped you cope with your break up gave you distractions from your pain. You emerged yourself into this strange story of his that you forgot about your ex. For that he served his purpose well.
If you decide to meet him be cautious and meet in a public space and go home by yourself. He may not be who he says he is. Always keep a curious attitude and don't expect too much.
Guys know that women like it when they talk about family and committment. He spot your weakness, caught your attention and impressed you. This guy seems strange to me. I am sorry but I can't like this guy because he's suspicious to me. He's definitely socially awkward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): Sounds like he just wants to make u a big part of his life but you aren't willing to give in...in fact he's doing everything he can to make it work but doesn't seem like you are and your only attack on him u can make is his possible lack of experience.
Don't know what to do with him? Well he isn't a toy and a lot of the stuff you said here makes you seem unsure about anything... which isn't very mature of you yet you are planning to meet him. It's like you've let your heart be defeated before you've even tried anything.
I think you need to wise up and start facing things else you risk breaking hearts, yours and his included. He seems like a great guy quite courageous at that.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 May 2010):
Sounds like this guy is 18 at most. I'm not sure if you could really make it, but it has happened. I know of a famous song about a couple who made it precisely this way.
Sorry to bounce the question back to you, but I believe you should be thinking this long and hard. Where do you see the relationship going? What do you expect from him? How would the two of you be together? Et cetera.
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reader, bournedout +, writes (8 May 2010):
I really believe that you should *not* push through with this, as your gut seems to be telling you. I agree, it is too fast. Online relationships carry a certain risk anyway. You only see those traits that the other person chooses to display. It's not like a friend or co-worker you have been around and have seen in different situations.
Him wanting you to confront his dad with you along *really* worries me. He sounds like he has a lot of unresolved issues, and you may be asking for trouble.
Anyway I'd listen to the warning bells. If he gets hurt or offended, then he is probably not right for you anyway. A mature guy would understand and back off.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
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