A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, my boyfriend and I have been going out for a while and we decided after a month of dating to make it exclusive. In the beginning, my boyfriend had a friend that is a girl, that lives ten hours away and she texted him on New Year's Eve with Happy New Year's Eve baby. He immediately came to me and asked if that was flirting. I said yeah and that was the end of it. My boyfriend later on became friends with his boss and a co- worker which both were women. I really didn't care that he had women as friends. When it was our time, he texted very little to them. He still posted things on their facebook, but nothing big. A couple of months ago he started to text another girl from his class this semester and this one bugged me. They would text all the time and he told me that they really connected that she comes to him for help on all of her problems. After three huge arguments and a month later he told me that he stopped texting her that much. I saw evidence of this and talked to him about why I was so upset. His mood was completely different and we really stopped talking or seeing each other.He has slept over twice at my house and I keep asking him to sleep over more, but every time its a no. I did tell him during one of the arguments if he was going to cheat or if it did happen spur of the moment to tell me and see if we could work it out. Yesterday, the real first day we got to see each other all day in weeks. I noticed him texting this other girl a lot. I mean every few seconds for about an hour, and off and on during the day. I knew about this girl by his facebook, they would post things asking about assignments in class and the occasional comment to someone else's comment. Also, he told me during one of the arguments this is the women I talk to and he listed her. I didn't think anything about it, until yesterday. When I went to go look for a movie that he wanted to watch, he stayed on the porch texting this woman. When I couldn't find it downstairs I came back out and told him it was upstairs in my room where we were going to watch the movie anyway. He told me to set it up and he would be in there in a couple of minutes as he was texting away with her. That night we had to run out and his phone was almost dead, so I put it on the charger and he grabbed it off, refused to leave his phone home. He didn't leave that night until really late and of course my offer for him to stay the night was declined. I checked facebook this morning and yesterday he put on her wall "How's the muscle burn?" Apparently, she was working out yesterday with P90X which she posted to her status after his question. He has also in the last week commented on her picture and said it was a good default picture. I was never jealous about these women until all this started. I have never met them, nor the guy friend he hangs out here with. I offered to meet any of his friends and he said he only really hangs out with his guy friend. He close friends are back in Arizona and I've met one. The semester is over at the end of the month, should I try to ignore it or should I just say this is over the top and be done with it. I did send this last girl a message on facebook saying that I wanted to surprise him with lunch at his school, what room is his class? I am hoping she realizes that I'm trying and she can put a face to the name that would stop her if anything is going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe girl emailed me back with the classroom and even the schedule of the class. She also put in her email that she knows my bf will be excited to see me as he holds me in the highest of regards. These past two days have been a lot better. He left his phone in his room as we saw each other all day yesterday, he was more attentive and it felt like we were when we were first dating again. I loved it. I don't feel jealous anymore after that woman's email.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): I agree wholeheartedly with Laetitia. I too have been in this situation and it does just get worse. I asked my then fiance to stop texting all the time and explained why I didn't like it. He said he would stop but it was obvious he was doing it behind my back. The secretiveness of his actions broke us apart. He wanted to flirt and be everyone's friend and I needed a very much one on one relationship with no outside help. For a while he pretended that he had stopped and it was the deceit the ruined things for me. as soon as I realised the trust had gone I had to end things.Personally I would get rid of him as these types don't change and if you married him it would most probably end in an affair - not worth the heartache.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): Hmm I can't really say he's done anything wrong although it's only suspicious at this point. I suppose the arguments and you being insecure about that girl has made him to be this way.
I don't really know what to say because he is obviously close to this girl and it doesn't seem fair that he has to chose. Ofc he doesn't stay over and prolly doesn't show nearly as much attention as before, so at some point you are just gonna have to have a serious talk about him with this, and ask yourself as well if u still want to be with him.
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A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (8 May 2010):
 I am sad to say this to you, but he is not going to stop talking to these girls. He is not going to change. I've had a bf who was very flirty with all his girl-friends at his work and at his school and their behavior seemed so suspicious to me. He was even close friends with ex-gfs as well. The more I argued with him about, the worse it got. Getting secretive is only the start. The next thing that is going to happen is that he is going to start discussing his relationship with you with those girls, asking them for advice.
You have 2 options:
1) Accept the way he is and ignore the fact that he spends so much time and attention to these other girls, which means that you need to pretend that it doesn't bother you that he gives them so much attention.
OR
2) Break up with him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Blue Sahara +, writes (8 May 2010):
 Stop her?! She hasn't done anything! Your boyfriend is the one who is responsible to not offend you. She doesn't even know you. How is it her responsibility to stop doing things that bother you? She is just treating your boyfriend the same way he treats her.
What you just said was your boyfriend repeatedly texts a woman throughout the day, has a connection to her, stopped talking to you when you said you didn't want him to talk to her, chooses texting her over talking to you, can't spend good alone time with you if she texts him cause he just has to text her back, won't put his phone down for 5 seconds cause she may text him and God forbid he miss her message, has found Facebook is another way to keep in contact with her, makes jokes to her that do have a slight sexual undertone to them, and refuses to allow you to meet her. That is what you just told us. Do you really need an answer to this?
If he isn't having an affair with her, he is trying to. He likes her and wants to be with her. He choose to text her despite how hurt it made you and he doesn't even have the good sense to text her when you aren't there. What that tells me is he is terrified of sending her the message that he won't pick up every text she sends. That's what guys do when there is a romantic interest.
I don't think this is something you talk through. He has shown over and over again that he has no regard for your feelings in this matter. This is definitely a dealbreaker. Cause I'm going to tell you know, he comes off like the kind of guy who will be a habitual cheater. He didn't just text this one woman. He texts women all the time. This one just happens to be more.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (8 May 2010):
 you are in a hard situation, sometime is not that your jealous
or don't trust them, its the things they do to make you suspicious. His behavior has totally changed because he would show you every text message before and now he is to secretive. I would try and talk to him and let him know that his friendship with this chick is making you feel uncomfortable. I'm a firm believer that its your boyfriend who owe you there loyalty not the other person. Your boyfriend is the one that has to respect your feelings and let him know exactly how you are starting to feel disrespected by his and his actions. Good luck and do deal with this before this escalates any higher.
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