A
female
age
30-35,
*aveykisses
writes:I need advice, My live in boyfriend is a great guy but he has a very bad past. His father beat him and his mother all the time till she divorced him. I am scared he will turn out like him because he is very mean to me at times and he has hit me before but it was a accident. I am not sure what to do because the last time i stayed with someone who was abusive i had to go though years of therapy. I just dont want to get hurt but it seems like he doesnt want to go to therapy or even attempt to fix himself, what should i do because at this point i feel like a house wife because i do and do and do for him and i get yelled at when i dont do what he wants...please someone give me advice
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (26 June 2011):
History repeats itself often. People who grow up in violence are more likely to become violent themselves than others who grew up in a stable home. That's what they know, hate and often people become what they hate eventually.
My mom had anorexia as a teen, warned me about it and guess what---at 17 I was anorexic myself. I didn't purposely get that way, it just slowly turned out to be like that because unconsciously I am a lot like my mom, with the same urges and habits. It was only after I fully realized this I was able to put a stop to my destructive behavior.
Children often copy behavior from their parents and siblings. They are the ones that raise us and that will always mark us. As a child I acted strange and copied a lot of habits from my autistic twin brother. I am not autistic, but as a child I showed a lot of similarities because of my brothers influence. I can go on and on. There are so many examples out there.
The bottom line is that unless a person realizes what is happening there is no way they will change. Your boyfriend denies he has a problem even though it is clear as day that he is turning into what he despised as a child. He is showing you his hand and it's not pretty. Make no mistake, this is a glimpse of the future to come. An unhappy future, where you get yelled at and beaten.
The fact you posted here means you know this isn't right. You are a young and bright girl, so rustle up the courage to take the next step out of this soon all-consuming black hole. Many beat up housewives don't leave because they don't know how to. Their predicament has settled into their bones and this has become all they know. They get children and the cycle is complete--another potential abuser is born.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): You need to leave him now, and never look back. He will not change because he doesn't want to change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): Everyone is saying the same thing, because we can all see in your short letter that you are in an abusive relationship.You do need to leave him.I got married very young to a man who became steadily more and more abusive towards me, I finally left 5 years ago after 18 married years. It's taken until last summer (4 years) to get over things to a point where i can move on, but i'm still affected from being with my bipolar, emotionally abusive husband even after 5 years of being away from him.I developed a calmness and became depressed with being with my exhusband (depression, i've been told is anger which we don't express, it's turned inwards). Because i was powerless to stop his behaviour. After leaving him i developed unbelievable anger towards him which didn't leave me until last summer when i met my current boyfriend, who treats me well. Now I feel nothing for my ex husband, no anger or anything really!Dont waste your life with someone who makes you feel worthless like i did, get away and develop yourself into someone who doesn't need to be with a man who does that to you. You're better than to be the other half of someone who treats you like that.Please leave him and take your time to find someone who's got respect for who you are as the decent person you are.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 June 2011):
It's impossible for him to have hit you by accident. What has happened, is he has turned into his father.
Walk away now, or maybe your own children will wind up being abused one day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): P.SAnother excuse is using his background growing up in abuse....if he saw abuse then he should know dam well how much it hurts, so i never buy that one.spunky monkey
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): HiNo this is not the life you should be living, and it is so wrong to make excuses for him, no accident when he hit you.This is not just about physical violence, he is attacking you with words and control, however you are allowing him to behave like this. You say you do and do for him and get yelled at when he does not get what he wants. Stop giving and get a decent boyfriend or tell him until he gets help and treats you like a lady, you want nothing to do with him. You need to treat you good and have self respect...do you actually believe that you are on this earth to be controlled/ dominated/ physically battered/ told how bad you are/ and here to serve?.You are here to GROW and reach all your potential, dIscover talents within yourself, enjoy living and lovingplease do not waste your time or youth on anybody who treats you bad. He deserves a good life too but he MUST change and you must change, you can not save or change him he must do it.I wish you well , please don't make exuses for violence or the person thinks it's okay to get away with it...it's not ok. Start thinking of you and taking care of you.Hope this helps a little. :)spunky monkey
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 June 2011):
 No man hits a woman through an accident, this guys is already showing various red flags, leave him immediately.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): I have been in those shoes before. I dated a guy who had no signs of being abusive and was an amazing person. One day he just got pissed about something little and hit me. I didnt think anything of it because I had never seen anything like that from him before, so I stayed and it only got worse. I ended up staying in the relationship for way to long and got too good at hiding the bruises. I wanted him to get help but he didnt want it and when I talked about it he lashed out. I later found out that he grew up in an abusive home. Unless he gets help he will never change. Its something that he will always have in him. I would say that if he doesnt want help and doesnt want to change....RUN! Because it will only get worse. I know it sounds harsh, but no matter what his past was, YOU DONT DESERVE to be treated like that. No one deserves to be treated that way
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