A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 4 months pregnant and due to marry my fiance in December. I am in my middle 40's and really wanted another child but thought it wouldn't happen at my age but it did. My partner told me that his child rearing days are over and that he never wanted any more children, as he has 4 already. He is concerned about my health and the child and is terrified that the child will have something wrong with it. Although he professes to care he is not really interested in having another child and I know would rather this hadn't happened. I am an intelligent, fairly successful business woman and am quite able to care for a child by myself or with nannies etc. I am questioning if I would want to be with a man who quite clearly didn't /doesn't want a child with me. I love him and he is calm, mature, caring and everything else but I am not sure if I want my baby to be with a man who didn't actually want him in the first place. This is causing a lot of problems between us as I am very volatile and we have had lots of arguments and I have said a lot of nasty things which I regret but were said because I was so angry. He is leaving me totally alone now which in one way is calming for me but in another way emphasises the fact that I don't think he cares. I am unsure what to do now so am doing nothing and just looking after me and the baby. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (13 October 2009):
It's a tough call this one.
One the one hand, he's been honest that he didn't want this, and to be fair you can't blame him for worrying about the health aspects for you and the baby. The NHS has come on a million miles when it comes to helping older women safely through pregnancy and I think you may be able to use some info on that to reassure him.
Having said all that, he's not left. He's not called off the wedding. He's just been honest that he's not best pleased.
As for leaving you alone, well you say it's calmed you and if he may well have figured that out. Send him a text saying you are calm and ready to talk.
It sounds like he's willing to deal with this, and once the baby comes, he'll probably fall in love with him or her as any dad does. This is just him reacting not quite as happily as you'd like.
Give him a call, say sorry for all the things you said in anger and I'm sure he'll come round.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 October 2009):
 I think this is most definitely a 'wait and see' scenario. Your baby is going to be born and that is the most important thing here.
Your partner is wiggling on the hook over this but deep down he is probably acutely aware of his responsibilities and also may be overwhelmed with worry and anxiety about you and the babies health. This can materialize as him being uncaring or making glib statements, but when someone is overwhelmed they sometimes cannot communicate exactly how they feel and perhaps this is the case.
You feel insecure about the situation and you want positive reinforcement that he is going to be by your side through this...something he is unable to communicate at the moment. Your getting yourself into a state wondering if you should bail, but reading between the lines I can clearly see you don't want to quit on the relationship.
I would try to limit the discussion about whether you two should stay together. I would try to continue with your pregnancy in a positive manner, keep yourself well and calm and try not to exclude him. Give him space if he needs it and take space if you need it.
He will most likely be more positive about things after the baby is born...and if he isn't, then you know you have the means to make it on your own.
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A
female
reader, MAIDinHeaven  +, writes (13 October 2009):
Hi dear, sorry to hear you are going through this. It must be disappointing to know that the love of your life is not very keen on having this child that you both conceived together.
However, I do think you should marry him as this would be best for the child too. If he has not canceled the wedding then he knows he is in this with you, and is going to have a baby and raise him/her with you.
I think he is just voicing out his selfish concerns (which men do, and they don't know how it hurts women sometimes!) but the fact is, you guys are having a baby! Simple as that. Did he tell you to get an abortion? If so, then I would highly doubt that he truly loves being in a relationship with you, it would mean that he loves being in a relationship, and you happened to be in it too.
Tell him to grow up (yes men will be boys forever if you let them) and face the fact that you will be looking forward to a wonderful wonderful future with him and the child as a family of your own.
Good luck and let us know how it goes! And congratulations on becoming a mother! :)
Maid in Heaven
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