A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for six years and he has always had the same job.. Well recently he has started talking about a coworker all the time telling me how great she is. He goes to lunches with her alone and they text back and forth periodically. He got mad at me because I didn't like that he was out with his coworkers getting drunk so he told me he would just quit his job and not have to be around them.. He called me later and told me he had put in his two week notice and that his boss said sleep on it and give it a few days to think it over.. When we were with the coworker the next day he told her he put in his two week notice and she didn't say a word she knew why he was saying it to make me think he really did it.. She was in on the joke on me since I later found out he was lying and he never put in his two week notice.. Since then they text back and forth she will even text him at 6am and wake us up. As soon as she got a new phone and new number she called him right away to give it to him.. Now my question is when I say something to him about her he gets angry and says I am insecure.. Well don't I have a right to be.. I don't text other men and go to lunch with them on a regular basis.. I am tried of feeling insecure but don't know how to make it stop when he tells me she is one of his best friends..
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female
reader, Dizzy Lizzy +, writes (5 August 2016):
 I can say that years after this question was brought up.. Only reason I followed this topic was because I too was going through the same situation.. In fact the same situation And calling me insecure..I started writing down all his behavioral changes on a journal from the first time I saw a change.. An emotional affair ... He ended up leaving me by May 25,2013.. He started going out and enjoying his new life June July August and by September she had left him..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): I read all the answers from the other aunts and I'm in total agreement. I needed to see this from the woman's perspective; because as a male, I would be expected to side with hubby and rationalize his behavior as simply being friends with his female colleague.You don't set your wife up as the butt of a joke with a female friend; unless it is a mutual friend, and it's all in fun and everyone ends up laughing at the end. The calls in the morning are to disrupt your household, to show you she has access to your husband even at odd hours of the day.She is aware of your discomfort, and rubbing salt in the wounds with texting and calling your husband. Knowing you are present. Sharing lunches and drinks after work with another woman is your husband's total disregard for his marriage and your feelings. It goes beyond being co-workers once you step outside the place of business. You are no longer on company time.It is time for you to make your distrust in this relationship known and put your foot down. He's playing it off to keep your guard down; so he can have his cake and eat it too. No threat of divorce allows playtime without consequences. So of course he will obscure the true relationship between he and his female co-worker.Once he knows you are no longer standing for this crap, he'll take you seriously. He'll have to decide if this game is worth his marriage.In the meantime, start looking for a good divorce lawyer.I hope things will end on a more positive note, for your sake.
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A
female
reader, laure  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 I'll tell you one thing for certain,he is definitely emotionally involved with her already,its so crystal clear that he's cheating because whenever you bring up the subject,he gets mad&put the blame on you,he's using the defense self mechanism,where he's making up excuses,and reversing the whole thing on you!Ofcourse he's going to deny everything,he'll not exactly admit to you that he's cheating,instead you're gona keep on hearing the same excuses to cover up his lies..My advice for you is not to over react,just play it smart,contact her&tell her I'm really getting bothered by your calls and texts at inappropriate timings,I prefer to enjoy my marriage life in peace,if you're bored&got nothing to do,go find yourself someone else's husband to entertain you cause I really had enough,he's mine&youre just going to be a booty call&when he's done from you he'll come back to me!!Show her your strong character,they both think that you're simple minded and the proof is their so called shitty game they played on you,they're just underestimating your intelligence!Face her but in a calm way&put the limits as soon as possible before things would go way out of your hands.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Sorry, I think my previous reply went off without me finishing it.... What I was trying to say is...don't trust your husband and this woman one inch. You have every right to be upset and angry and if he doesn't sort himself out he's going to risk losing everything he's got.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (21 March 2013):
Oh dear, I had all this until 14 years ago when my husband and I finally split up. I put up with it for 15yrs of marriage, the ever present woman at work who clearly fancied him, stuck her nose in our lives, planned a surprise party after work for his birthday but conveniently didn't bother to invite me (or even tell me) or our two children! The list goes on and all my husband ever said was that I was being stupid and suspicious. I got to a point where I stopped caring. Then we split up ... and guess what, he now lives with her!!! How he cried when he realised what he'd lost in me and the children. When he moved in with her he told me ' it's hardly loves young dream you know'!!! He was flattered by her attention and paid the price - lost his home, his family and eventually his job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): What a cruel joke to play on you. That was just plain nasty. He made you look like a fool.Be fooled no more. I would be so angry over this that I couldn't even speak. I think that would be the best thing to do...don't speak to him anymore, but make your actions say your words for you.You have told him how you feel and he gets defensive and continues to contact her and her vice versa. You know MORE is going on at those lunches too.Since your feelings are not that important to him and obviously not his marriage I would be contacting a very good divorce lawyer quietly on the side and have the papers served. Get everything in order and be prepared to leave or kick him out if you can. I'm afraid if you leave your home he may trash some of your personal items so if you do decide to leave the house make sure that what you treasure goes with you.Just get all your ducks in a row, keep a level head...although speaking for myself, I would be livid and prepare your exit plan. I admire how Katie Holmes executed her divorce military and precision style.I am going through something similar without the texts. My fiance raves about a female coworker 3-4 times a month. This has been going on for over a year now. He talks about her way too much and is trying to "help her" with her divorce. He says he can understand since he is divorced too. I see it as his opportunity to lure her into his web. If anything were to happen, such as an affair, or is happening, I clearly blame him since he would be the one initiating the contact. Very recently, one day I walked in on him and he quickly shut down his e-mail. We have separate computers, so I am very suspicious at this point. I'm afraid I may become a man hater after all.I would have yourself checked for STD too. Your health should be of upmost concern if your husband is cheating. I would get a checkup anyway to ease your mind.But, seriously, if this were happening to me, in this manner, and it's so blatant, I would be putting on my walking shoes and giving him a swift kick in the a$$ as I walk out the door.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 March 2013):
I don't have much to add here except to say that just because you don't do something doesn't make him doing it wrong. I don't think having female friends is wrong unless you have a reason to not trust your husband (he's cheated in the past or something).
Where this gets wrong is when he starts treating YOU like an outsider. Call me old fashioned, but I like to think that it's my wife and I against the world, not the other way around.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 At the bare minimum he's emotionally cheating.
the fact that they conspired to "make fun of you" and tease you with his "two week notice" is bothersome.
IF nothing was going on he would not have done that unless he's 12 or just a cruel bastard.
You've told him it bothers you and he blows you off.
I'd SHOW him how much it bothers you and leave. I would say "clearly SHE is more important than me"
When he comes home have your bags packed and by the front door... go stay with a friend or your mom or a hotel if you must... DO NOT contact him...
sadly I fear that he may let you go..... and you must be prepared for that but the only other option is to stay and fight about her or look the other way.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 March 2013):
Oh oops, I misread a sentence. You actually met her and she played along with him handing in his notice? That's even worse. Definitely talk to him and MAKE him listen to you. Don't be blown off by anger. That's just his way to get you to shut up.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 March 2013):
There's definitely something going on here. He wouldn't react this way if this situation between him and his coworker was innocent. Going on the defense immediately and then throwing a toddler’s tantrum about quitting his job (and then drawing out the whole thing while it’s a lie) are bad signs. He makes it impossible to normally discuss the subject, because he’s probably afraid that when you do he’ll fall through. Her waking you both up at 6am with texts is inappropriate. I don’t do that to my best friends unless I really need their help with something. I think it’s time to stand up for yourself. A relationship is a two way street and when you’re having problems with someone’s behavior you should be able to address it.
I’d sit him down one evening and turn the tables. He needs to be able to see how this looks to you. “I want your opinion on something. Now, this is going to be a bit of a story, so just listen to it and don’t interrupt. I have a job. I have nice colleagues. I become friendly with one male colleague and when I come home, I frequently bring up how amazing he is. He texts me all day, every day. He even wakes me up at 6am with a text. We have lunches together. We do stuff together. When you ask me about it, I get angry. I put on a whole show about quitting my job, even going as far as making up a whole story about my friendly colleague's reaction. How would you feel about that? Would you think that this is ‘just friendship'?”
If he won't let you talk, then you know for certain he's at least emotionally cheating on you. Even if his interest in her is completely innocent (which I doubt,) there's at least one of them that wants this to go further: her. This is not innocent, not by a long shot. Listen to your gut. I'm all about trust, but this would put me on edge too.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I tend to feel the same way as Sarcy24 about this whole thing. I think he's treating you shamefully. I can tell you a lot about this situation because I have been in the position of his female co-worker. I used to be (and still am) very close friends with a married male co-worker. No, we didn't text all the time (in fact, we hardly ever texted each other) or go out alone on lunches together (we always went in groups). Yet his wife hated the fact that we were bonding on an emotional level. His wife was perhaps being unreasonable, given that the two of us never spent time together alone or after work. But you know what happened? I told him that he must respect his wife's wishes and we began to deliberately reduce contact between us in order to please her because she was the most important person in his life, not me. And that's how it should be. Fortunately, we're still close friends though we make it a point to not do anything that would upset his wife, even if she's unreasonable. In your case, you're being perfectly reasonable. In fact, you've put up with a lot of bullshit. It's time to take a stand.
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A
female
reader, sneha09 +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Say him the truth that you had been hurted by their lies or jokes.Ask your husband to keep it in office and don't bring home.
Its not an issue if they are having lunch regularly but messaging at 6 or joking like dis is out of question.
If it fails,just say him if he doesn't stop you are going to walk away.That's the best thing you can do or take 1 more chance to see if everything can get well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): Married men aren't supposed to have female co-workers calling and texting him, unless it's work-related. He is being dismissive by calling you insecure. If it walks like duck and quacks like a duck...The game he played on you, with her in cahoots, was disrespectful and mean-spirited. "Getting drunk" with her is inappropriate and could lead to more than just a few laughs. If it hasn't happened already. They are communicating beyond the bounds of professionalism. You're not a fool; but he succeeded in making you look like one in front of this woman. You just don't do things like that to your wife. The laugh was on you! Your husband is pretending that this relationship with this co-worker is benign. There is more to it than you know, and I suggest you offer him an ultimatum; if you wish to save your marriage. This guy is most likely having an affair. If he isn't, he's doing a good job at making it look like one. If he really appreciates his marriage, he'll put an end to it. He doesn't have to quit his job. Just the text messaging, unprofessional wake-up calls, and drinking nights with his female co-worker.Can't wait to read more female perspectives on this question.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Hi
I would be annoyed if anyone text my partner at 6am,male or female.
I get the impression she is after him,perhaps he can't see it,who knows.The 'handed in my notice' trick was childish and would anger me.
Why not ask her to dinner, her partner too if she has one.Ask a few people and if she's single maybe invite an available male friend or two.
You can't pick his friends for him just as he can't pick yours,but there need to be bounderies.
If this is the first time you have felt uneasy about one of his female friends then maybe your gut is telling you something
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I really don't want to hurt you with this but there is far more going on between your husband and the co-worker than you are aware of. He is enjoying the attention from both of you and is enjoying playing one off against the other. The fact that they had a joke at your expense and that she wakes you up at 6am to ring him is testimony to there being a lot nore to it. Calling you insecure is a way of mitigating his own guilt. Most people turn the tables against the innocent party when they are infact the one who is in the wrong.
He appears to have shared his emotions with this woman and explained to her that you don't like the ringing or their 'friendship' which is not a very nice thing to do and in truth they are bonding together against you. This is just so so wrong and I don't like to think of you having to endure this. She obviously wants him and he is not putting her off in any way and so you need to make a decision here.
I would suggest you explain to him that unless this stops the marriage is over and that you want him out of the house. If he continues to see her then you know it is not worth while wasting anymore time on him and that the marriage is over. Don't bluff him but be firm and say that you are unable to put up with the constant texting and ringing anymore and that it must cease if he wants to keep his marriage. I can assure you no woman would put up with this and nor should they. You are not insecure just being treated shamefully.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I think your husband used emotional blackmail in hopes you back off. That whole: "I put in 2 weeks notice" is ridiculous.
Has he previously given you reason NOT to trust him? Do you think he is capable of having a friendship with this chick and not overstep the boundaries of your marriage?
I would tell him :" MAYBE I AM insecure. How would YOU feel if the shoe was on the other foot and my phone was blown up by some male co-workers texts?"
Be honest with him instead of, basically, accusing him of improper behavior.
My husband has female friends, I have male ones. He Facebook them A LOT and honestly it doesn't bother me. You know why? I trust him. But it is not as excessive as wake-up calls and the likes. I also don't believe it's my job to decide who my husband can talk to/ be friends with and whom he can't. Again, trust. I certainly wouldn't like it if he told me I couldn't talk to Joe or Bob.
I would find that inappropriate no matter how platonic they are. You and your hubby needs to set some rules for what is OK in the marriage and what is not.
Maybe it would be a good idea to meet her? Get to know her? It might make her less of a treat for you and it might make it easier for HER to put a face to you, which means IF (not saying that she is.. but IF ) she is looking to charm the pants of you man, she MIGHT have second thoughts if she meets you and sees you for the good person you are.
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