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female
,
anonymous
writes: my husband has had a affair which I have forgiven but he cannot seem to break off contact with her, advice please.
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female
reader, seenitdoneit +, writes (17 August 2006):
Will he go for councilling? If so a third person's perspective might be useful. Do you want him to break off all relations with this person? If so you must tell him, but be prepared for him to continue to see her without your knowledge unless you demand to know where he is 24/7. The hard route is to let the affair die on its own as it probably will once the excitement has worn off, although he may switch his attentions elsewhere when that happens. Some people need an extra relationship in their lives, question is are you prepared to put up with this.
A
female
reader, Tine  +, writes (17 August 2006):
 doe she know that you know about this? truth id be absolutely livid if i were in your situation. You cannot carry on keeping this inside and you gotta let him know that for one you know and two you aint happy about it. If he had an affair with this woman chances are that it could happen again and by him keeping in contact with her, its making it ten times easier. He needs to completely cut all contact with this woman as it is making you unhappy, so you need to lay down a few rules in order for your relationship to go any further.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 August 2006):
 Looks like you jumped the gun on the forgiveness. Show the man the door. He's only going to make you miserable. You won't regret starting a new life, I promise. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Why wouldn't he break it off with her; you're okay with it.
May I suggest you pick up a book titled "the emoitionally abusive relationship~how to stop being abused and how to stop abusing" by Beverly Engel.
It may sound like this doesn't apply to your situatation but let me point out some things:
He has no respect for you.
His needs are paramount and he is showing a blatant disregard for the needs and feelings of you.
This one element to your problem tells me that there was/is more going on in your home.
How is he towards you? What is your history like?
Has he constantly critized you? Has he made you doubt your thinking capacity?
I agree that it is time you put your foot down and tell him that he may have cheated on you and he is still cheating on you and he needs to stop.
If he isn't about to; seek an individual counselor to help you find that strenght that has beaten away over the years.
If he is unwilling to stop; he isn't worthy of your time, trust, love.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): I assume you have decided to try and forgive this affair?
From this point forward, you must assess everything that your husband is doing to correct this mistake, and heal the marriage.
You say he has not broken off contact with this other women. This, in itself, is something, that unfortunately, shows that your husband does not wish to continue in the same kind of marriage as you do.
Everything he does, and says, since the affair came to light should be heading towards seeking forgiveness, and working towards helping YOU.
He is not doing this.
Some people make mistakes in a marriage - they do cheat.
But, they are the ones who do everything in their power to try and make right what is wrong. Those are the couples that can get through an infidelity.
My feeling is that your husband does not wish to put right his mistakes, and that if you let him, he will continue cheating on you and one day he'll eventually leave you. He'll continue hurting you, because he obviously doesn't respect you. How can he?
I'm sorry I can't tell you your marriage will get through this; but ask yourself honestly - if you knew you had hurt the one you loved so much, would you still be carrying on with the other man? I think not - how could you?
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (17 August 2006):
 Well if he hasnt broken contact with her then hes still probably having an affair!! You have decided to forgive him and try again the least he could do is respect you a bit... sorry if had respected you then he wouldnt have cheated in the first place!! But well its happend and you have agreed to forgive him, this means he has to cut all ties with this woman for you to stand any chance of making things work, for one you need to try and move on from the hurt and mistrust and whilst he is still interacting with her its never going to work, do you really want to carry on wondering what hes doing, is he going to see her, is he still having sex... i suspect unless you put your foot down he will carry on having his cake and eating it... how dare he carry it on whilst you have forgiven him that simply is not on... you need to tell him that in order for your marriage to work he has to break all contact with her and work through this with you.. if he refuses then you really will have to walk away, he cant carry on seeing her thinking its all okay just because you know!! hes treating it like oh well she knows about it may has well have some fun on the way, cant get found out she already knows!! Man alive!!! Kick him in to touch!!! Forgiving is one thing, but condoning and letting him to do this to you is another... tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to ditch the affair 100 per cent or he has no marriage left... the least he can do is try and work this thorugh with you, but hes totally smacking you in the face like this... be strong and firm and tell him he cant carrry on like this and you wont tolerate it, hes got to grow up and accept he cant have both and things will all be great it doesnt work like that hes selfish!!! he thinks hes got any easy ride becaue you know and have forgiven him.. the cheek of the man!! , he needs to work at things with you if you are to survive this...
Tell him tell him now that he cant do this and you wont allow him to treat you like a doormat!
Take care and really hope things work out for you.
x x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Well, this may not be the advice you want. But, I can speak to you from experience. My husband did the same thing to me. He did not cut off contact with her and later found out that they would still meet up and I am sure they were still sleeping together. We are now divorced. I could never get over the fact that he didn't respect me enough not to have contact with her anymore. I am sorry you are having a hard time. Good luck.
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