A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Apologies in advance for being long winded and thank you for taking the time to read this. I really need some advice.This weekend my boyfriend, and I went to his friend, 'M', BBQ. While he went around talking to his friends, I mostly hung out with this girl who was M's, cousin's wife, 'B'.Towards the end of the night, we were all pretty drunk and my boyfriend seemed to be around looking at me kind of disapprovingly/annoyed but I was in a happy, drunken mood and kind of let it slide.So B and I decided we wanted to take a picture together and a bunch of other people joined in. As we were posing my boyfriend tells me to "Come here" but I said "Hang on, we're taking a picture" but then he grabs my arm and pulls me a little too hard and I fell and scraped my knees and elbows (since we were on pavement outside). As I stood up he and B asked if I was ok. I said I was but I was on the verge of tears (being a bit drunk, confused and hurt)so B offered to come help me clean up the scrapes and kept asking if my bf hits me and saying he was out of line to pull me like that.We went back outside and then one of my bf's friend's gave us a ride home (I was staying with my bf for the weekend).By the time we got home apparently B was saying how she wanted to "cut him from ear to ear" and M's brother was calling saying come back and fight and my bf started yelling at me saying what did I tell her? and calling his other friends to go back and fight. I just kept telling him that I only told her it was an accident that I fell and you didn't mean to pull me so hard. He kept going on and saying "pack you're things. you're going home." I started crying because he wouldn't listen to me and eventually ended up falling asleep.The next morning he was extra nice to me. He told me that M had called last night and told him to please not come back and fight and told B and his cousins to leave. He also said that he had pulling me away because M's brother had been making humping motions behind me as we were taking the picture and calling B a b**ch for starting shit and apparently because she was trying to hook me up with her brother, who was also at the party. He also told me not to friend B on fb or talk to her again.I'm just still a bit shaken... If some guy was acting stupid behind me without me knowing, wouldn't there have been a better way to handle it than physically grabbing me? My bf is sorry and feels bad that I fell but doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with grabbing me like that in the first place. And I'm even more upset that he was yelling at me after even though I didn't do anything wrong.Is this... ok? Or a red flag? Please help, aunts.
View related questions:
cousin, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Red flag. True, these are basically typical stupid booze fueled shenanigans and if you all had been sober you 'd been getting along nicely and slapping each other's back.
Well, to me a red flag is already when a guy can't handle is drinks and can't stop short of becoming agggressive, hypertouchy and paranoid. Also, he was out of order anyway for grabbing your arm and pulling you away. I am sure he never meant to physically hurt, but, as kindergarten teachers always say " we talk with our words, not with our hands ". Had he added a simple " please " to his sharp " come here ", he probably would have obtained a different result. You are not a German Shepherd to be trained responding to one word commands : "Sitz ! " "Platz ! "
Conclusion....your bf is a troglodite. I do not doubt that this may bring some extra excitement in the bedroom,
but out of it... bleah.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Booze was involved, I doubt he intended or predicted you falling over. Its a red flag of an immature guy, but I doubt as a woman beater- (if that's what you were worried about). He's either got a massive ego or he's just insecure.
I say just chalk it up to a drunken evening with skewed perceptions on all sides, forgive and forget, but its your call.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for all your responses.Update:I just talked to my boyfriend right now and we got in a fight. He's mad at me because I didn't listen to him when he told me to "Come here" and said I should have just trusted him because he would have trusted me.In my mind, I was just taking an innocent picture but he said M's brother had been talking shit to him all night and that if I cared about him (my bf) and his safety at all, I should just listen because he would have wanted to fight them and M's bro is always in for a fight.This seems ridiculous to me. These guys are 27+ years old and my bf would rather physically push me around rather than say "The guy behind you is acting stupid." and maybe... get in a fight? Seriously? He says he's disappointed and angry that I don't trust him and just listen to him but I'm not a child or a dog. I cannot bring myself to blindly obey orders without knowing why. Even if he had said, "Come here, I want to tell you something" that would have made more sense to me. He doesn't ususally man handle me but he does always have the attitude that I should just listen to him and claims he would do the same (not that I've ever asked him to). His friends are on his side, while B and her friends think he was wrong.I just don't understand how he can be so mad at me when it was M's brother who was being immature and talking shit but in his mind, I was supposed to diffuse a situation that I was completely unaware of, by just listening to him. And the fact that I didn't gives him a right to pull me and be angry at me.Sorry for the rant... I just don't get it and he won't listen to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): That is deffinetly not acceptable at all. I would not break up with him over it but would seriously consider it a huge red flag. If he man handles you again I would break up with him. Unless he does things like this a lot? Has he humiliated you in front of company before? The reaction of the people at the party gives the impression he was way out of line. Make it clear if he does anything similar again its over. Also don't let him dictate who you can and can't talk to that's controlling behaviour and if you give in to him now then that gives him the green light that you will cut people out of your life at his request and you could end up isolated. Don't stop being her friend explain to him you are not a child and just because he assumes she is a bad influence does not mean you will do what she tells you to. Just the same as you should not have to do what he tells you to either.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Why did B try to hook you up with her brother? All of you were drunken and your boyfriend was reacting to the primal fear of being cuckholded and alcohol helped him unleash that passion. Your boyfriend did apologize. If he were sober he could have pulled you away from the spot without hurting you. I think he knew that it was wrong but still upset because he suspects that you let the guy hump you and did nothing. You could swear to him that you didn't know but he could still be thinking about it, or that you lied. I don't think your boyfriend is the abusive type because of this but you need to stay clear of drunken parties that will go wrong like this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): This is a red flag, what the guy behind you did was disrespectful, and he should have said something to him about the way he was acting. Grabbing you was a big red flag, then yelling you as he did and acting that way is also a red flag. He has no right to grab you like that, unless it was because he pulling you out of the way of oncoming traffic and saving your life, but under these circumstances it is a huge red flag.
Your boyfriend was way out of line, he is being controlling and disrespectful of you. I would take some time to think about whether or not you want to stay with your boyfriend or not. Good Luck
...............................
|
