A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I got married in No. of 2011 and recently bought our first house. Life is good. However recently Ive felt that things have changed with her. Im 31, shes 27, weve been together almost 3 years (we met in college but didnt get together till later). After we got engaged, me agreed that we wanted a house and a wedding, so we decided to stay with her parents for a year. This did allow us to pay for our own wedding, no new debt, and it allowed us to get our house. However, after we got married I got a little anxiuous and maybe even depressed because we were married, but living with her parents and I just wanted our own space. Now, shes very close with her family and I get along with them great. Her mom and her are very close, however at times I feel like Im in a tug of war for her attention (my wife). When we lived there her mom would like just walk in our room and start talking with us and it really made me feel like we had no privacy. Now that weve moved, her mom is constantly telling her that she misses her and my wife goes out of her to stay in touch and make her mom happy. sometimes, our plans change so we can do stuff with her family. Now i didnt grow up with the same family dynamic that she did and love my family as well as hers. I feel like lately shes out a ton of effort into pleasing everyone else around us, more than us. Even our sex life has suffered, shes admitted that she has been negelctful and our sex life isnt what it use to be but I still feel that shes not trying with us like she use to. But if her mom says she misses her or something she makes sure to go see her and whatever. Her mom doesnt work and stays home all day so i know all the free time is not good because she has so much time on her hands. Her mom has four daughters and my wife is probably the closest to her becuase she stayed at home the longest and she was there when her mom had some issues with alcohol and prescription drugs. Her mom even walked out on her family and hsuband to live with another guy and has had issues with cheating. However, my wife has maintaind a bond with her and its great but I feel like Im not getting a fair chance to be her husband. I feel like Im not getting the attenetion I need or deserve. My wife is a hard worker and works a lot of OT and that cuts into time too, but so do i and I feel like I still desire her and she "says" she desires me but I just feel that her actions are lacking. I love her but it pains to have to think i dont feel loved. Please help, we've talked about this several times and things are good for awhile but then I go back to "sad" mode when I feel like Im a newlywed who barely gets to make love to his wife and she goes out of her way more for her mother than me. BTW, her mother treats me great and we get along fine, I just dont wanna feel like her mom is taking over her time and Im less important. I truly feel my wife and I are great partners, but I dont know if she still desires me like she once did.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): well, i think you should think about her mom for a second, doesn't she have friends? or a hobby? if not, help her finding one!!! if it's indeed the free time she has, help her filling this up. because when the last child leaves the parental house, the parents, especially the mother, will have a "empty nest"-feeling, wich basically means the parental-role becomes less important and the wife-role becomes more important, and she may need some time to make that switch, and you can help her by doing that! for example fill up all that free time! that way she won't think of her daughter that much, and if you're really bothered by it, try talking to her mom, instead of your wife. because your wife may not be able to say "no" to her mother! in that case you have to treat the source: her mom.and it may be a good idea, but i don't know if your financially strong enough for it, but try and go on a long vacation, for let's say a month, with only limited contact with the family and as much contact with you and your wife, not toooo much tough.. and if, just if, her mom's husband has past away (this may sound harsh) you may want to help her getting over him and in time, make her dating again, there's nothing wrong with elder women starting a new relationship!hope i've helped a bit!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I believe siblings should share bonds with parents equally. Her mom is not the reason you are not having sex. If it weren't her mom it would be something else. Her mom is just a tool for her to avoid dealing with the real issues. You are just seeing the real her as a newlywed. It could easily evolve into a true sexless marriage. She has no problems with it at all until you storm out and make ultimatums. It's a cliche that people present the fantasy self and then become the real self once married. Unless you are grossly overweight over the years and have horrible body odor I don't find any excuse of not making your spouse a priority. I don't think she is a great partner, at least for you. She is not listening to you and will only have pity sex with you once in a while so that you won't divorce her. I could not bare having no intimacy in my relationship. It does not matter how much feelings we have for each other but if we don't find time for each other it is hardly a marriage, and you are just a person to share financial responsibiltiies. I would not have any children with her at this moment until this issue will hopefully be resolved, perhaps with the help of a family therapist.
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