A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My Fiancé and I have been together for nearly 2 years, and were recently engaged. We have both been in previous marriages and have children from those relationships. Because my ex and I have had great animosity towards each other and my feelings for him have been negative to void for many, many years, my fiancé has no insecurities about him. On the flip side however, my fiancé and his ex remain very close friends although she has repeatedly meddled in our relationship, tried to cause problems for both of us, bad mouth him to his kids, and so on. He openly declares that he cares deeply for her and that he loves and respects her as he would a family member, he simply didn't want to be married to her anymore because their relationship was not good. While I admire his respect for the mother of his children, their relationship does cause me to have insecurities regarding her. He knows this. We have discussed all of this in great detail many, many times. Recently his eldest daughter attended Prom. I knew he would be going over to his ex's house to see his daughter off and to take family pictures, which I fully support. However, after hearing very little from him for several hours (1 text in 4 hours), I discovered the prom pics on his Facebook page....Ex and all. I love his children dearly and was happy for his daughter on her special day, but really? Pics of him and his Ex together? All over Facebook?Mind you, we have been together for 2 years and have many mutual FB friends. Never in this time have either of us posted any pics of our exes, nor do we have any old pics of exes. I was humiliated and embarrassed to see those on there. I mentioned something to him that night and he promised he would remove the ones (7) she was in. 1.5 weeks later I mentioned it again after they had not been removed, 3 days later and they are still there. Am I crazy to let this bother me? What are your thoughts? Is this excusable because of his daughter's prom? How do you feel about current pictures of exes on FB?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Relax- it's just Facebook. It would have been worrisome if you had found pics with his ex carefully hidden in some secret drawer, or stashed away in his coat pockets. But the way this pics were taken , it probably never crossed his mind that there was anything objectionable. Most probably it was the girl who wanted to have her pics taken with both her parents,- and your fiancee' just wanted to show daddy's princess in all her glory to eveybody, he just did not think of cutting off the ex from the pics, frankly it would not have gone through my mind either to take such pains IN CASE it may hurt somebody's sensitivity.
As for " it's called caring " Well, yes and not. It depends. We are only responsible for acting with sincerity and integrity according to our code and values, not for how other people may react , or overreact, to our actions. The words " he/ she made me feel that... " aren't factually correct, nobody can MAKE us feel anything that we don't choose to feel . A pic of an ex may feel threatening to some people- and totally safe to other people who are more confident in themselves and secure in their relationships. There's a fine line between " caring" about people's feelings, and " enabling " them to act out their hang ups and fears.
I am not saying this is your case, mind you. I have no element to say something like that. Only warning you in general against the " if he cared about me, he'd ONLY do what I think is right and appropriate ".
Stupid example, perhaps, but suppose that you and I are friends and you invite me over for dinner. You are a touchy, over sensitive person- let's suppose- and you " feel bad " if I don't take a second helping of everything.
But I am on a diet, or am a poor eater anyway. If I refuse to take a second helping, am I being disrespectful of your feelings ? .Is it my fault that to " feel good " you have to fill up your guests ?
You do have a point, anyway, insofar apparently your partner is as oversensitive and overreactive as you are in front of certain things. So he would seem to apply a double standard. I think you can call him up ( gently :) on that- not on the pics being wrong per se. You can tell him that ,since you avoid any act or comment that might even remotely make him feel insecure, it's only fair that he pays more attention and before doing something he asks himself " Would that bother me if she were doing it to me ? ".
But, as a matter of fact, I have a much better idea. Why don't you two just relax, and focus on the strengths and the good in your relationships, and remember that, as two experienced adults, you knew what you were doing when you chose each other- therefore you can afford to not sweat the small stuff ? :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 May 2012):
Relax- it's just Facebook. It would have been worrisome if you had found pics with his ex carefully hidden in some secret drawer, or stashed away in his coat pockets. But the way this pics were taken , it probably never crossed his mind that there was anything objectionable. Most probably it was the girl who wanted to have her pics taken with both her parents,- and your fiancee' just wanted to show daddy's princess in all her glory to eveybody, he just did not think of cutting off the ex from the pics, frankly it would not have gone through my mind either to take such pains IN CASE it may hurt somebody's sensitivity.
As for " it's called caring " Well, yes and not. It depends. We are only responsible for acting with sincerity and integrity according to our code and values, not for how other people may react , or overreact, to our actions. The words " he/ she made me feel that... " aren't factually correct, nobody can MAKE us feel anything that we don't choose to feel . A pic of an ex may feel threatening to some people- and totally safe to other people who are more confident in themselves and secure in their relationships. There's a fine line between " caring" about people's feelings, and " enabling " them to act out their hang ups and fears.
I am not saying this is your case, mind you. I have no element to say something like that. Only warning you in general against the " if he cared about me, he'd ONLY do what I think is right and appropriate ".
Stupid example, perhaps, but suppose that you and I are friends and you invite me over for dinner. You are a touchy, over sensitive person- let's suppose- and you " feel bad " if I don't take a second helping of everything.
But I am on a diet, or am a poor eater anyway. If I refuse to take a second helping, am I being disrespectful of your feelings ? .Is it my fault that to " feel good " you have to fill up your guests ?
You do have a point, anyway, insofar apparently your partner is as oversensitive and overreactive as you are in front of certain things. So he would seem to apply a double standard. I think you can call him up ( gently :) on that- not on the pics being wrong per se. You can tell him that ,since you avoid any act or comment that might even remotely make him feel insecure, it's only fair that he pays more attention and before doing something he asks himself " Would that bother me if she were doing it to me ? ".
But, as a matter of fact, I have a much better idea. Why don't you two just relax, and focus on the strengths and the good in your relationships, and remember that, as two experienced adults, you knew what you were doing when you chose each other- therefore you can afford to not sweat the small stuff ? :)
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Well if you and your fiance have a rule of talking to each other when something is bothering you, then you need to talk to him now about this. Show him what you have written here, or talk him through word by word your follow up and explain why it has upset you so much.
Only your fiance can make you feel better about all this - so talk to him.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 May 2012):
 You need to speak to your partner and tell him what you have said here. He is the only one who can give you the answers you need.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me clarify a few things. 1. Both my fiancé and I are very emotional, tender and sensitive. We both love and hate this about each other. We understand this about each other and have an unspoken agreement, that when something (no matter how insignificant) is bothering the other, we will do what we can to understand and to remedy the situation. He has come to me with hurt feelings that to me seemed too ridiculous to even address and yet I hear him out and do what I can to make things better. It’s called caring.2. He has on multiple occasions asked me to remove much lesser offenses on Facebook, such as a comment posted complimenting my ex’s Christmas lights on his house which our children were so proud of. Whilst he can post about how wonderful and delicious his ex wife’s Ham was for Thanksgiving Dinner and I say nothing, because honestly, it’s no big deal to me. However, it clearly is to him and so out of respect for his feelings, I remove what he is uncomfortable with. Period.3. My ex and I do not have a “venomous” relationship at all. We get along better now than when we were married. I stated we HAVE HAD great animosity towards each other, not that we currently do. Our divorce was somewhat hostile, but we are both better for it and grateful for it now. I agree 100% with maintaining a friendly and close relationship with your former spouse for the sake of co-parenting in harmony. When I stated that my feelings towards my ex have been dead in the water for many years while his feelings for his ex are quite different, I was talking about “feelings”, NOT the way we treat them. He and I TREAT our respective exes exactly the same. 4. I am the one who told him to take pics with his ex and daughter together! He wasn’t even planning on going over there, let alone taking some pictures. I informed him of Prom traditions of taking photos before and seeing her off. I INSISTED he take these pics for his daughter’s sake. That it would be so special for her. THAT WAS ALL ME! I simply didn’t expect them to show up on his personal Facebook Profile. On his daughter’s page yes, and I “liked” and comment every single one of them! Including the ones with her and her mother whom I have met and get alone quite nicely with. There were plenty of pictures of his daughter alone, with siblings, with him, and with sibling and him. I see no reason to post the ones with his ex. She (his ex) does not have a single picture of him on her page, nor does she have a single picture of the Prom pics taken.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): "Fiance has posted pics of himself with his ex and children on Facebook, is this wrong?"
No, it's absolutely 100% right. Husband divorced wife, parents did not divorce kids. From kids' POV Mom and Dad are still members of their family in good standing, and that will never (and should never) change.
"While I admire his respect for the mother of his children, their relationship does cause me to have insecurities regarding her. He knows this. We have discussed all of this in great detail many, many times."
"Am I crazy to let this bother me? What are your thoughts?"
Not craxy, but unreasonable and I daresay out of line. As a parent, bf understands maintaining a cordial relationship with the mother of his children is in their best interests, and it's very unfair, selfish and small-minded of you to think that he somehow needs to change that and start modelling his behavior after your venomous relationship with your ex. If you can't get past this, and seems at this time you can't, then you need to call off the engagement, if not end the relationship, because as things stand your proposed marriage is doomed before it begins.
"Is this excusable because of his daughter's prom?"
No "excuse" ever needed for a father to post family pics.
"How do you feel about current pictures of exes on FB?"
Current pictures of exes are inconsiderate, rude, tacky and gauche. Current pictures of families demonstrate the presence of an active, involved, committed, proud father in his children's lives.
Again, you need to get over this and not only that, your kids would be well served by you following bf's example and focusing on preserving their emotional well-being in the wake of divorce instead of continuing to drive a wedge into their own family by holding on to residual petty bitterness against their father.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 May 2012):
There are pictures of me and my ex on fb after we divorced...we were at our daughters university graduation, so us appearing in a picture was more about pleasing our daughter...my ex and I would never rekindle because the marriage is over.
In my case I think enough time has gone by for us to have recovered from our divorce and just accept our places as parents to the same child...the child matters...we don't.
I think you should stop worrying, this was a family event and a milestone in his daughters life, pictures with both parents, even if they arn't together,is a big part of the day.
Stop imagining there is anything more to this.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 May 2012):
I dont think it is wrong at all to be honest. He is obviously proud of his daughter and wanted to share that with the world, and it will have made his daughter happy to have the whole family in the pictures not just mum and dad on separate pics.
If there are images of just him and the ex (no kids in the picture) then you would be right to be upset. But if they are family pictures with mum, dad and daughter - then that's fine, it is just a family picture that will please his daughter.
I dont think you have anything to worry about unless you have seen pictures of him and the ex as a couple in a pic.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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