A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I be upset he got me absolutely nothing for Valentine's Day?My boyfriend and I both agree that Valentine's day is not a big deal. We are in a long distance relationship-been together about 8 months. We don't see eachother very often in person. When I saw him a few weeks ago, I didn't know when I would see him again, so I surprised him with a card and some of his favorite chocolate- I didn't want our first Valentine's Day to come and go without me doing a little something.We were actually able to meet up this past weekend (Valentine's Day Weekend) He did book the hotel and paid for my dinner (not a fancy restaurant and no mention of valentine's day the entire weekend) but he didn't "give" me anything-not even a card.It does bother me a little-am I making a big deal out of nothing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): So paying for a hotel and dinner isn't a nice thing for valentines? Cards go in the bin and the crap shops sell for valentines just gather dust. What matters is the memories you make, valentines day or not.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 February 2014):
 I'm in the "if you agreed it's no big deal" then you have no right to complain.
Telling him "it's no big deal" then being mad at him for not doing anything is not fair.
Last year my husband ignored V-day. This year I didn't want to get him something if he was ignoring it again. So when I got an email from a food place we use frequently I forwarded it to him asking him if we were ignoring V-day.... his response was "I am NOT"... wow.. I had to scramble to buy stuff for him as we had a blizzard coming for V-day.
You can't say "ignore it, it's no big deal" if you want him to not ignore it. It's not a test to see if he listens (clearly NEITHER of you listen to the other)
Relationships are not games and tests.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): You're not demanding at all, are you? I mean he books a hotel and buys you dinner but because he didn't also get you a gift you complain?
Next time tell him "it's not a big deal, but you better get me something because it is actually a big deal and I'm only lying when I say it isn't because I want to test you" or maybe you said it that way on purpose just to trap him so you could purposefully be pissed off at him for something.
Honesty works better than game, OP. If a woman tells me something is not a big deal then she'd be lucky to get a meal. Because surprisingly I expect honesty and respect from the women I date.
I honestly can't stand those that say something doesn't matter and then pissed off that I didn't treat it like it mattered. I've had a few of those it's a pretty common attitude amongst women. But it always ended up the same way, them pissed off at me and me not caring because I'm not a mind reader. Funnily enough most of that type of woman expected me to make it up to them too. Imagine that? They messed themselves around by not being honest yet I'm somehow the one who has to atone? No chance.
Just talk to him and tell him you didn't really think it would be but getting something for Valentines does actually matter to you. Don't be pissed off at him, but do let him know that you've discovered that gifts do actually matter to you. That way he'll know the get you something for your birthday, easter eggs for easter etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): I said this to my bf when we first got together.. Wish I never. 4 Valentines days and 4 days of nothing... Moral if you want a little something don't say it's not a big deal.
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A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 Greetings,Double meanings do not help matters in this case,You cannot say something is a big deal one minute after saying it wasn't earlier.You both agreed it wasn't a big deal and whilst you got him something nice you cannot give something in the hopes of having something back. He paid for the hotel and for dinner, ignoring the fact you grumbled about it not being fancy or Valentines day not being mentioned since you have no right to complain since he paid for it and you both agreed.In essence I say yes you are making a big deal out of nothing.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 But if you say that you AGREED Valentine's day is not a big deal, your complaint makes no sense.
Valentine's day is not a big deal to you, so you just give him a card, just for the heck of it, to not make a fuss about Valentine yet not letting it go totally unnnoticed and undelebrated.
He reciprocates doing exactly the same, i.e. visosting you on that date, sooner than planned, and taking you out to diner. A little something for a mini-celebration, but not going all out.
You are even, I'd say, and you acted according to what agreed.
I suggest that next time you say what you mean and mean what you say. If you actually feel that Feb.14th needs to be celebrated with flowers, champagne and gifts exchanges,- tell him, let him know. He is not a mind reader, if you AGREE that you don't particularly care either way, you both have already done even too much !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): Increasingly I hear people say they are boycotting Valentine's Day because they feel it's been ruined by becoming over-commercialised and I agree. On this day I just feel sad that what was once a sweet and innocent day for sending anonymous cards to people you had a pang for, has now become this incredibly pressured commercial event, where everyone is encouraged to buy, buy buy. Honestly so many intelligent people that I know now say that they hate what commerce has done to valentine's day so much that they literally ignore it.
So it's not unusual at all for a couple not to celebrate it. And if you said what you did to your guy BUT still went on a weekend then to me that sounds like a perfectly reasonable reaction. Sounds like your communication - yours AND his - over the issue, could have been much clearer though. It's really the communication that needs worked on, not anything else.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (17 February 2014):
 If you said it wasn't a big deal, then to him that was code for "I don't really care about getting a card or not"
Just make sure if your with him next year to casually let him know how awesome you think Valentine's is so he doesn't make the same call.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 Your second sentence: "My boyfriend and I both agree that Valentine's day is not a big deal."
If you both agree it is not a big deal then why are you making a big deal out of the fact he simply paid for a hotel and dinner?
Maybe he believed you when you agreed Valentine's Day was not a big deal.
If you would like more on Valentine's Day you have to tell him you made a mistake and have realised that for YOU at least, it IS a big deal.
Then if he fails to follow through you can complain.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 He might have thought taking you to a hotel and diner was a valentines gift. Also the fact that he made an effort to see you over the weekend when it was not planned. Sometimes its not the physical gift but the action.
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