A
female
age
36-40,
*iecey
writes:Hi I'm new here and this is my first time using a site like this. I just hope to get the best out of it. Anyways, so, I have a boyfriend who's incarcerated at the present moment and he's very verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. I'm in love with him but I can't stand the verbal abuse he was also physically abusive to me impossible occasions before he got locked up but he told me that he was under a lot of stress at the time and was on the run and it made him behave those ways to me that he regrets he say's the only reason why he's so verbally abusive now is because he's in jail.he's still hurt and upset about all the times I cheated on him since he been locked up and we argue and of course he thinks I start all the arguments he thinks I'm cold hearted and insensitive to his feelings but I tell him it's only because of all his verbal abuse he says really horrible mean things calls me names and threatens me he told me he has a book he kept on me that he writes everything down that I do or say that he doesn't like since 2009He say's that it would be in my best interest if I stay with him and heal him and make this relationship work because he gave me his whole heart and if I leave him he be broken and scorn and he would want revenge He says if I return to make it work he come home next year and be really good to me and won't abuse me but he gave me four reasons why he would ever put his hands on me again which is if I lie to him about a man again cheat on him again ,leave him for another man or leave him period he say's if I leave him I must move if I know what's best for me and dont forget He knows where my parents live he told me many times I belong to him and were gonna be together forever and he's even threaten to kill me many times and he doesn't care about the consequences right now were doing fine but we always argue off and on He says the relationship would be nothing like it is now once he's out and he doesn't really want to hurt me but just to b a happy family. If I leave him I have to move and I don't want me and my kids in a shelter. Is it better just to try to work this out and stay on his good side and maybe everything will end up okay I don't know please help... I'm 24 he's 35
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emotionally abusive, in jail, period, revenge Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, twocats4629 +, writes (12 September 2011):
GET OUT NOW. DO NOT LOOK BACK. I once was in a hellship like that i had to jump out my window naked 7 years ago it was jump and run to my neabors apartment or be killed with a butcher knife he got from the kitchen. He kept comeing to my parents house and beging them for me to come back to him there was yelling and cusing going on and he never came back. PLEASE LEAVE. There is someone out there for you someone that will treat you great listen to you respect you and love you when you find it you will know because it will not feal like the past relationships it is diffrent. A good diffrent. PLEASE LEAVE.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): "He wanted us to get married before he's released and then have 2 or 3 kids together was his plan cause the children I already have are not by him."
Another piece of evidence that he doesn't love you. If he truly loved you, he would love your children as his own too doens't matter if they're not DNA related to him he would see himself as their father. But no, he wants you to have "his" kids, because "your" kids are not also "his" because another man's DNA is in them not his own. it's all about him being territorial and claiming ownership of you.
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A
female
reader, amazingk +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Why is this even a question??? He's lying. He will abuse you again. He's already threatened your life. He's 35 and seems to have nothing better going for himself then being on the run and locked up. Seriously??? What are you losing by leaving a piece of pond scum like this?You're young, but not that young. If you want to be treated well, leave him alone and find someone that's actually capable and willing to be who you need. Stop trying to extract that from this abusive jailbird. It's never going to happen. If you value yourself, your future, and having a shot at happiness, you will GO! If you stay, that should demonstrate to yourself that you don't truly feel like you deserve what you're longing for.
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A
female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (11 September 2011):
Follow everyone's advice here. This guy is going to kill you if you stay with him. Leave - and leave carefully.
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A
female
reader, Niecey +, writes (11 September 2011):
Niecey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANKYOU so much for the supportive feedback it was very helpful. I thought N91 was funny but very true it was sweet and to the point. Cindycares first sentence helped me understand the seriousness of the situation. Chocoholicforever was very helpful as she broke down everything and the he doesn't love you but needs you part hit me hard but was a eye opener. And abella your first two sentences hit me hard as well. When u told me clearly what I'm involved with and its going to take all my strength to get out that's powerful and so true the linked I'm glad u posted helped lot...once again thankyou all!!
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A
female
reader, Niecey +, writes (11 September 2011):
Niecey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIam so thankful for this site and happy I came on. I couldn't be more pleased with all the help and the responses. Some of the things here really shocked me and hit me hard In a good way. I'm even emotional about this experience because the whole reason why I posted this question was to see clearly. I been with this guy for almost 4years and iam very blinded to him I'm constantly making excuses for him and I really believes he loves me . I admit I cannot see clearly anymore and my mind and way of thinking is so distorted and clouded. Hearing other people's opinions really brings some light to my situation it opens my eyes to the reality of things and not the fantasy world I been living in. It's difficult to realize that the person you love and is close to is really crazy and dangerous I had excepted his threats and the fate and had settled for beginning to him but just knew something wasn't right but I was often in denial about his ways. I do like aggressive guys and relationships but sometimes he's to overboard. He wanted us to get married before he's released and then have 2 or 3 kids together was his plan cause the children I already have are not by him. The bottom line is I was never sure if he was really a "abuser" or someone who just "abused" I always looked at him as my lover and not my abuser but now thanks to all the help of u guys I can b able to see again all the things I couldn't
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): Leave him, if he as been abusive why would you want to go back to him, he will just do it again.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 September 2011):
 You are emeshed in an Abuse cycle and it will take all your strength to Get out. But get out of this Abuse you must.
People talk about the honeymoon stage of a relationship.
But the Abuse Cycle also has a Calm before the storm stage too.
Right now you are trusting your Abusive partner and you just hope hope hope that if you do as he says that he will stop being abusive. This is HIS LIE TO YOU. The abuse will get worse. It could end in a catastrophic and sad outcome for you.
You have children? Your FIRST loyalty must be to your children. They should not have to suffer the terrifying situation of their own Mom being abused.
Right now you are in the Honeymoon Stage of the ABUSE cycle. And yes you do need to leave NOW No more talking. No warning him. Just get away as far as possible. Change yoru email address and change your Facebook page and change your cell phone number. Change everything that would help him top find you.
Get counselling now. You need long term support to get over the horrific ABUSE with the Threat of more.
Please read the following and put your own welfare and yoru own health and the welfare and health of your children first. This man does not deserve to be in your life. And you do not deserve another minute of abuse.
Best wishes to you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 September 2011):
call a domestic violence hotline in your area, talk with them and get concrete help for how to leave your abusive partner safely.
staying with him isn't going to make him magically turn into a different person. People dont' change just like that. Promising change is typical of abusive partners. It rarely happens, or if it does rarely is it permanent. You can be assured that if you stay with him, you'll continue to suffer domestic violence and your kids may as well. Even if he doesn't abuse them, when they witness abuse on you it affects them profoundly and they may grow up to either become abusive as well (like him) or seek out abusive partners and be victims of abuse.
he doesn't love you - he "needs" you (or whoever would have been in your role in his life if you hadn't met him) to make him feel better because he's out of control. But that isn't love. You don't threaten to kill someone if you love them. You don't coerce someone into staying with you telling them it's in their best interest to be with you because you will kill them if they leave, this is not love. And it's not your responsibility to heal him of his abusive ways, it isn't even possible, he's avoiding personal responsibility which is all the more evidence that he won't change. He "needs" someone to fill the role of a dysfunctional partner in his life because he is dysfunctional himself. That's why he's trying to stop you leaving him, it's for his personal agenda only. And he won't hesitate to harm you to fulfill his agenda.
that said, it is true that the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is after they leave because their partners may hunt them down and harm or kill them. (This could happen even if you're still staying with him.) You need to get help so you can leave safely. You will need to develop a plan and do a lot of preparation. Don't go it alone. Look for domestic violence support groups and gather information and build up a network for support for when you do leave. good luck.
http://www.leavingabuse.com/
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page11.htm
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Second "you've got to be joking " of the day .
Being in a shelter is bad, but being with a violent psychopath is much worse.
Just in case, go to the police and report that he's been repeatedly threatening to kill you. I don't know the law in your State, so I don't know if they 'd let you press charges without written proof or actual witnesses of the threats, - or if you can obtain a restraining order. But report the situation anyway, they surely can advise you about the best way to protect yourself.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 I read the title only....leave this man immediately - SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU WOULD NOT ABUSE YOU IN ANYWAY.
As I was typing this I glanced up and saw "he's even threaten to kill me many times" - You've got to be joking, this guy sounds like a psychopath....you can't even entertain the thought of staying with him...
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