A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years. But his ex girlfriends still call him, alot. I have asked him to stop talking to them, or at least tell me when he does. ( he had been hiding it and I found out through a friend) He gets defensive and that makes me more nervous. Please help! What should I do?
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female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (20 October 2007):
 First of all, if they are his exes, he should keep it like that. It seems as if he talks to them more than he does to you. If he doesn't have a child by either of them, why does he continue to speak to them?
He's definitely hiding something from you. Why is he sticking up for his exes when he should be sticking up for you? There's no respect coming from him at all.
Do you talk to any of your exes?
A
female
reader, tulipdame +, writes (20 October 2007):
You have to be careful how you approach this problem, so that he would be willing to talk about it without getting defensive. Talk to him. Tell him you want an honest relationship. Let him see that you are vulnerable instead of attacking him. Instead of saying "you are a bad boyfriend because you still talk to your ex" say "you talking to your ex makes me feel nervous." Jealousy is a healthy part of a relationship and he even needs to know that you need him and him talking to other women makes him apprehensive, just like he probably would feel the same way.
As far as his defensiveness goes: in any relationships there are behavioral standards both parties agree too. Some couples are very possessive of each other and some are very open-minded. Americans tend to be on the open-minded side. You really have to find a golden middle that you are both comfortable with. Talking to ex's is really on the open-minded spector of things. If it is not what you are comfortable with, make sure you get heard. Communication is very important in a relationship. If you are not getting heard than that is even a bigger problem than him talking to an ex.
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (20 October 2007):
 I think he's getting defensive because you've told him not to do it rather than because he's got something to hide. Maybe he's not all that happy about having to tell you something that he genuinely doesn't see as anything more than totally innocent and when you ask him, that makes him feel angry because he has nothing to hide. What strikes me as significant is you talk of ex girlfriends, not an ex girlfriend. Do you think he's cheating on you with all of them? If he was talking to only one maybe you'd have a point but the fact he can stay friends with his exes is a big plus point if you think about it. It shows he has huge maturity. It's not easy to stay friends with exes. Trust is the main issue in this post and I think you need to ask yourself if it's your issue or his.
CD
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