A
female
age
41-50,
*ostphoenix
writes:I have lost the man I have loved the most and whom I still think is "the one". We are both 29. We had an instant connection and our relationship was fantastic. We shared so many things in common and really supported one another in each other's dreams, and just had a blast together! We were planning to move in with each other the first week of June. We also had started talking about getting married in the future and we were looking at venues and all sorts of wedding things. This wasn't all me. He would get this really giddy smile and tell me how much he loved me and was just so happy to see what a wonderful future we had together coming our way.He is a bachelor and just bought his first house. I have two young children. Two days before the move in was supposed to take place he sent me an email that he just wasn't ready and that we need to slow things way down. We had been talking and planning the move in together for months. Complete with most of my stuff from storage was already moved into his house, we had been doing overnights with my kids there to prepare them and get them used to the house. When he moved into the house himself in March, he had me pick out all the curtains, bathroom things, etc. We picked out a new stove, microwave, washer dryer together. We spilt costs on some of these things as well.I was devestated. I saw all my dreams finally coming together. An amazing man, who loved not only me but was also wonderful with my children. I freaked out a little and was scared that he didn't love us. It didn't help matters that he had sent the email after he knew I had gone to bed and he wasn't going to be available to talk to me until after work the next day. So I was in a state of pure panic by then.Well, after about a week, I was starting to get over this and agreed with him that we should take more time to build us, and we needed some good re-connect time. Only, now the perfect storm happened with his work. They began giving him insane project deadlines, forcing him to work from like 7 am - 11 pm at night, everyday. He was so stressed out and exhausted.Then, the day he was supposed to come over to celebrate our 6 month anniversary, he said he just felt like he needed to take a drive or do something, that he couldn't come over. I was still a little shaken from the move being called off and was leary...and I started to get scared. He said he just needed to see family that night. I was like, "wtf, it's our anniversary... I don't understand."Well, right before he left work, they told him they were eliminating his position. This was like the straw that seriously killed the camel. After weeks of insane hours then he was told they were letting him go. He snapped... added to me freaking out over our relationship... he sent me a text message that he wasn't happy and couldn't devote time to us anymore. I was extremely emotional to say the least and demanded to know why he was breaking up with me in a text message or why he was breaking up with me at all... that we could get through this job thing, as he was always saying our whole relationship that our love was like none he ever had and he knew with me he could get through anything...He refused to talk to me through the night after that text so I seriously took it as a break up and I was losing my mind... I changed my facebook status, and drama exploded due to that... my friends, his friends, everyone was in shock. I did this because I was in a puddle hysterically crying in my bedroom, and I couldn't think of any other way to reach out.So the next day he turned everything around saying I broke up with him via facebook status change, and that the text did not mean he was breaking up with me... I said then why didn't you say that when I texted back?! Why didn't you call?! So then he was like, "obviously I can't deal with stress very well and I shouldn't be in a relationship right now, I just need to be alone."I needed to go up to his house the next day to get some of my kids things that I had left there the weekend prior, since we were supposed to be having a three day weekend there... I lost it and could barely breath I was so worked up and texted him to please come to the house to talk to me.We did talk a long time, and we ended up having sex, and he said he'd call me soon, that he still cared about me and that he just needed to figure out what to do with everything. He was in like major meltdown from losing his job and with a mortgage and everything... it was a lot on his plate, which I did respect that he was dealing with a lot.So I did my best to give him his space, and it was HARD! I sent one email over the weekend that outlined that I saw where he was coming from with the kids and that I will go at whatever speed he was comfortable with and that I'd be there to help him send resumes, find jobs, etc... that I will support him and be there for him through all of this... to just not throw me away and what we had.I didn't hear from him for two weeks. In that time he worked on finishing his book, and when I saw that he had, I congratulated him, and around that time my son had started crawling so I let him know about that... we had started talking again as friends. Sort of. He was still distant and disappearing. And I asked him to please see me that Sat. to just hang out and have fun, that we didn't even need to talk about anything serious. He said he'd get back to me... a day later he declined.So I decided it was time to just accept things as they were and I went up to the house to start packing all of my things on that Sat. I stopped at his parents house first to talk to them and they told me they have never seen him this depressed and that he took the job news really hard and they were in shock about what happened with us too. His Mom hugged and looked at me and said, "you really love my son and you are a good woman, let me talk to him, I think I can get him to talk to you."And she did... and he came up to the house, and we talked and he still stood by that he needed to concentrate on getting his life back together right now and just could not date anyone, not just me, but anyone. So we talked some more, and I spent the night, and it was just like old times, and he was so loving, and it was just amazing. That morning, he would not take the key to his house back from me. He also asked me to go back to visit with his parents before I had to go. He told his parents that we decided to take one day at a time and see where things go.We were talking a lot over the week and it was planned for me to stay the next weekend that my kids were with their Dad at his house. My birthday is next month and he told me he wanted to go away with me for it. It was really feeling like we were going to work together through this.But then, he kept declining my coming to visit him during the week. Then Friday, I had this stupid idea to send him some old emails where he told me how much he loved me and how he saw his future with me... I had hoped it would help him remember. He said he was still trying to figure things out and felt really confused around me... Well, Saturday I didn't really hear from him at all. And I was in full panic over those emails... and I just knew... and yup, Sunday, I got an email from him stating that he was no longer comfortable with what we were doing and he just wanted to be friends. That he couldn't give me a light garantee that we still had a future and he felt continuing down this road was unhealthy. He didn't like how confused he felt around me right now and didn't want to see me, but didn't want to lose me out of his life all together and hoped we could talk sometimes still.I flipped. I told him I couldn't be his friend because I was so in love with him and I can't handle that right now. I deleted him off facebook and sent him one final email detailing how much I loved him and how I could not understand how quickly his feelings changed...I went a little off the deep end and couldn't deal with all the pain I was feeling and decided to jump onto okcupid to distract myself. Well, when I did that I saw him on there... and it was fresh pain on top all over again. I called him and demanded to know the truth of what was going on in his head. He of course didn't answer, but he did text me that it was hypocritcal of me to be upset that he was on as I was... but he let me know he wasn't looking he just wanted to unlink our profiles and change his status back to single as he didn't feel right having our profiles linked anymore...I was still hurt... But anyway, so the next day I sent him an apology email about going off about okcupid, and I also enclosed a bill of what money he owes me for all the house appliances we had shared the cost on. He had told me before that he felt badly about all the money I had spent, since I wouldn't be living there for awhile. I did note that I totally understood that he couldn't start paying me until he secured a job, but I just wanted to get him the information...He did not respond at all. I feel so lost, and hurt. We literally went from happy and planning a life together one day to nothing the next. How does a guy change his mind that fast on something? I know a lot of crazy bad stress was going on for him... but shoud that really change that he said we had the most unique and amazing connection that he was sure he would never find somewhere else... but at the same time he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore? WTF?There is still a part of me that is hoping once he gets his life back on track it will hit him hard how empty his house is, and he will miss me and the kids...I still feel that this whole thing of us not being together is just wrong. He feels like the love of my life... and I just don't know what to do! :-(Help?!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lostphoenix +, writes (4 August 2011):
lostphoenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe emailed me!!!! :D It has been a week since we had any communication, and things got pretty heated last week, and today I decided to send him an apology, just to make myself feel better. And he responded!!! He apologized too and said that he would really like to be friends and that I will always be special in his heart...So... what's up? I hate to cling to anything as a chance. I do want him in my life in someway. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope it was going to lead anywhere... but I plan on still living my life and making plans on my own, not just waiting around on him, know what I mean?I just don't feel done with him...
A
female
reader, youngandrestless  +, writes (30 July 2011):
 i totally understand, i dont know how i could live on without my fiance in my life, he has become my whole life. this may not have to be the end forever, he may just need to find stability in his life again. if you do want to leave a note just keep it very simple, tell him you love him and will miss him, and that you hope that one day he will feel ready to contact you again. you do not have to spend every day waiting for him, go on with your life, live it for you children, and one day someone, maybe him maybe not, but they will walk into your life and change it for good.
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A
female
reader, lostphoenix +, writes (29 July 2011):
lostphoenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the feedback. I have never loved or felt as loved as I did in this relationship. This is so hard. My children's father was very abusive, so once I got out, it was easy to forget him. This guy had it all and was so good to me and my kids... up until major meltdown.
I am trying to get a truck to go get my things from his house this weekend. I feel like I should leave some kind of letter, but I have no idea what to say. Thinking of him completely out of my life forever... it's just not a good feeling at all and it feels so very wrong.
I know everyone is telling me to move on... it's just so hard.
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A
female
reader, youngandrestless +, writes (29 July 2011):
unfortunately when someone has a huge upset in their life, like losing a long term job, it can make them change their entire life. he may have felt that after the loss of the job that he needed to re-think where his life was headed, and decided that it could not be with you. im very sorry that this happened so suddenly, i can completely understand why you are so confused and hurt, it was not fair of him to act like this, to you or your children, but unfortunately he has changed his way of thinking. you cannot make his decisions for him, and i wouldnt hold out for him, it may be a while before he gets his head back on straight. for now focus on your children's and your happiness, that doesnt include him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Since you'd only been together shy of six months but had been talking moving in together and marriage for months, one or both of you rushed the pace of this relationship way too fast. He got spooked and ran. He realized after the infatuation wore off that he had agreed to things he wasn't going to deliver on and that he hadn't fallen in love with you and won't in the future. So..his only choice was to back out so he wouldn't do you or your kids any more harm.
It takes longer than a couple of months to start talking about love and marriage and be skeptical of anyone who comes on that strong. If you are the one pushing those things then you will have men disappear on you. Wait about six months to really know a guy before you commit and involve him in your kids' lives.
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A
female
reader, lostphoenix +, writes (28 July 2011):
lostphoenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to both of you. Can anyone explain what would make a guy who was so head over heals in love change his mind so quickly?
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A
female
reader, rile962 +, writes (28 July 2011):
I'm sorry to say that I must agree with eric.troy. I hope you've kept the receipts, etc, you need to prove what you paid for the items in his house, and also the emails or whatever you have to prove that you were buying those items because you were planning to move in, and that they weren't intended to be "gifts" to him. Do what you must to move on with your life, for your sake and the sake of your children. I'm sorry for this painful phase in your life. Please keep in mind that it is just a part of your life, a small piece of a much greater life that is available to you in every moment.
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