A
female
age
51-59,
*uddle
writes:I have been in a wonderful new relationship for 3 months with someone i have known for many years and we were best friends, we didnt get it together before because of past relationships we were in.We just found out a girl he had a one nighter with before we got together has had a baby an says its his, paternity test being done, but sounds like it is his.The mother lives down the road, he says he wants access and to be part of babys life, she says she will give him that if he spends alot of time down at hers first bonding with the baby.I have 2 kids, from my last realtionship (age 11 and 6) he gets on well with but i am so scared he will fall for this girl in time, or want to live with his baby. At the mo he says he loves me and wont leave me for her, he has told her that too, but shes pretty,single a nice girl an she said if they got to know each other ore she might consider a relationship with him, , Im sure their feelings for each other could grow.Should i walk away and save myself alot of potential heart ache, even tho he really is the man of my dreams, says hes committed to me and i have wanted to be with him for years.or should i hang in there in the hope he will stay in love with me an not leave me at some point to be with the child.i know the baby is the most important one in this, but my feelings are important too
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear this. Deep down, I think you knew this was likely to happen. Even so, I’m sure you are feeling terribly hurt right now. It’s time to move on from this man and begin concentrating on yourself and your children.
Is he asking for a temporary break, or is he making a clean split from you? I get the impression it’s the former that he wants. You need to make it clear that you will not be sitting around waiting for him, while he is romancing and sleeping with this other woman! If you don’t mind me asking… how old is she and does she have other children? Is she a lot younger than your boyfriend? They may not have a whole lot in common. If they had, why didn’t they get together before you came into the picture? I do think the baby is the reason he is starting to have feelings for her. Whether or not they end up together, the fact remains that she will be in his life forever.
For now, you need to do what is best for you. Tell him you are moving on with your life, and will not be looking back. Make a clean break now, so that you can begin to heal. If you continue to let this man come in and out of your life, you will never get over him. As long as you’re pining for a man whose heart is with the mother of his child, you will miss out on meeting other wonderful men! If you run into this woman, smile, but do your best to avoid her.
Please let us know what happens. Keep your chin up! Good luck!
A
female
reader, muddle +, writes (27 February 2011):
muddle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your thoughts, well its been a month and yesterday he said that he s started to see the mother in a different light and is considering whether he could make a go of it with her, he says he loves me but the timing is wrong for us so he wants a break...
I am heart broken but a little bit of me can see it maybe for the best, maybe i am a tiny bit relieved, also heart broken, i bounce between the 2, life goes on, I ll be ok in the end, its just annoying that i have to see her at the school everyday when i collect my kid, also he only lives down the road, i ll try to do no contact an get on with my life as best i can, thanks again for ur support
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Sorry, mixed you up with someone else in a similar situation. Should have reread your original post.
She is now in his life forever. They share a child. He's going to be very conflicted for a while because of his feeling of duty for the child and his feelings for you.
If you were in his shoes, what would you do? If you were in her shoes, what would you want?
Sometimes when we care for someone, we have to make difficult decisions that hurt us but will benefit them. You might want to bow out for now. I can see this being a huge emotional drain on everyone involved, and that's just going to make an already rough situation worse. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (17 February 2011):
I'm glad your boyfriend is being a responsible father, and taking the time to care for his child. However, he is spending a lot of time alone with this woman at her house. I'm sure they are bonding with the baby, and quite possibly each other. Why was he going over to her house at night? Are you absolutely certain nothing is going on between the two of them? Does she live alone, or have other children? And is she dating other men?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): "a girl he had a one nighter with before we got together"
"I have been in a wonderful new relationship for 3 months"
"with someone i have known for many years"
"and we were best friends, we didnt get it together before because of past relationships we were in."
Real important issues.
Life happens. Really. It doesn't reflect on you. This happens a lot. I've seen this play out for better and worse.
My uncle had a child with his high school sweetheart. She was pretty, sexy, they were both young, she was a cheerleader. He was handsome, tall, athletic.
He asked for a paternity test when the baby girl was born.
His gf refused. He wasn't the only partner, which he suspected, she wanted him to acknowledge paternity without the test. Well, 14 years passes, he doesn't have contact with the baby. She looks exactly like him...I saw her picture and was like "wow" no question there unless it was my other uncle. Paternity test done, and confirmed, and he lived up to his responsibilities. Not perfect, but it is life.
So, back to your situation. No it isn't perfect, but he has a responsibilities he must live up to now. The question is how does he do that, and can you handle what he must do?
The right kind of man will live up to his responsibility. No question about that. However, you and he should not be sharing households with her.
"he has been visting the baby everyday and i continue to find it difficult, i thik most women would, he has agreed to only visit daytimes, he visited late at night a few times"
He has his own household. The baby can be picked up and brought into that household. I wouldn't dither on that particularly as the mother may have other intentions for him.
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A
female
reader, muddle +, writes (17 February 2011):
muddle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks dirtball...he was never unfaithful to me, the baby was concieved before we got together...however its a difficult situation i am seriously thinking of walking away but i do love him so much i am very torn
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 February 2011):
Well, I guess the mystery is solved. I couldn't handle this. It's a constant reminder of his infidelity, not to mention he constantly is visiting her. Nope, I couldn't do it. Baby mama drama is bad enough as it is.
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A
female
reader, muddle +, writes (17 February 2011):
muddle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to everyone who responded, the baby is his, he has been visting the baby everyday and i continue to find it difficult, i thik most women would, he has agreed to only visit daytimes, he visited late at night a few times and i told him i couldnt handle that, now its 1-2 hours every other day...
when we are on our own our relationship continues to be good, he says he still loves me an doesnt want to get together with the mother, but inside i am really hurting and still thinking another 18 years of this may not be best for my happiness, would love your thoughts...
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (19 January 2011):
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. If there wasn’t a baby involved… I’d encourage you to stay… but this child will inevitably form a bond between your boyfriend and the woman he had a one night stand with. Your boyfriend is doing the right thing by making the decision to be a part of his child’s life. Once paternity is confirmed… he will spend more and more time at this woman’s home that is just down the road from your place. Your first priority is to yourself and your children. Do you really think you’d be okay with your boyfriend playing house with an attractive young woman down the road who has given birth to his child? No woman in her right mind… no matter how attractive you are, or how in love your bf is with you… would risk this venture. If you were to stay with this man, you would be certain to endure heartache, and the circumstances would destroy your self esteem. Sadly, the only way I see your relationship surviving is if you and your boyfriend decided to move to another state (if in the U.S.) or another country. In reality, that is not the best situation for the child… unless the mother marries another man. This is a no win situation for you. It might be different if the baby had been born before you and your boyfriend began dating… but that’s not the case. Unless you are willing to share your boyfriend, it would be wise to make a clean break and find a man that can build a future with you. There are too many good men out there… don’t waste your time with this man. Please let us know what you decide to do. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): "Should i walk away and save myself alot of potential heart ache, even tho he really is the man of my dreams, says hes committed to me and i have wanted to be with him for years.
or should i hang in there in the hope he will stay in love with me an not leave me at some point to be with the child."
I'd say it's a toss-up. Whatever the decision, your daughters will know it was made without one iota of consideration of their best interests, confirming beyond doubt they are and will continue to be afterthoughts for several years at least as your love life must always take priority, requiring your full and undivided attention.
Secondary school, higher education, your daughters' emotional health and well-being, long-term futures, certainly decisions best deferred for a few years while you wait out the girl down the road.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 January 2011):
I say you should see what happens with the paternity test first. If she had a one nighter with him, she could have with others too. It might not be his and all this worry would be for nothing.
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