A
female
age
30-35,
*keez
writes:Hello everyoneI have a problem which i would like to see if anyone could shed some light on.I met a guy 8 months ago and we stayed in contact with each other for 8 months, he lived 4 hours away at the time but recently moved 1 hour away, so from the start we have 'dated' as such. He visited 3 times in that space of time, It would have been more but it was a busy time in his life, he had gone on holiday, sprained his ankle so travel was lower than it could have been and was travelling for work.Anyways, i asked him after 8 months if he could see this getting any further as being official. He told me he 'cant' do long distance relationships because hes done it before and it didnt turn out well. But what I dont understand is that we were doing it anyways, it technically was a long distance relationship from the start for the whole 8 months. He was very caring when he was with me an text me every single day almost every single hour or 2. He planned for me to watch him do his sports, introduce me to his friends ( i know a few of them who live in my city) he wanted me to go abroud with him and seemed always exited to see me when we would plan it.I asked him if he was seeing anyone else or liked anyone and he said no 'if i was playing multiple girls I would use that time to do something productive like play music or do my sports' were his exact words.Now he told me he cant do long distance and wont even try at all, so i ended it. Im still confused though, we were IN a long distance relation even if it wasnt official, so saying he 'cant' do them doesnt make sense to me.Did i scare him off because I asked to be official?I honestly dont know what happened. One day we were fine, then the next we stop contact...I was angry, because ive been messed with so so much and im getting to old for all the stupid games. He sai it was al his fault and hes sorry etc, but still leaves me absolutely confussed as hell.We stopped contact yesterday if that is any important information.please someone help shed some light, i need closure instead of trying to find answers.thanks
View related questions:
his ex, long distance, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Stephen Stewart Nixon +, writes (26 June 2012):
 Hi SkeezLet me start by saying I'm sorry to hear that you've been hurt by your experience; pain is part of life which we all wish didn't exist. It's important to realise that pain of any sort is a message advising you to move away from it's source. When you touch something hot you feel a physical pain which protects your hand from further damage by getting you to quickly move away from the heat. In a similar manner an emotional pain protects you from further emotional damage by getting you to move away from its source. That's exactly what you have done and while it will hurt for a while it will get better and you have also protected yourself from further pain. It can be difficult to understand why people do what they do but essentially we are all driven by emotions both positive and negative. People tend to move toward what makes them feel good and away from what makes them feel bad. Putting this into the context of your LDR, if your boyfriend was as committed to the relationship as you seem to have been then he would have made every effort to make it work (he would have moved toward it). The fact that he didn't indicates that he wasn't that committed and you are right to move on. You didn't scare him off - if he was worthy of your love he would showed it by making an effort. Don't spend any time trying to figure it out; all you'll manage to do is torture yourself. Rather spend your time enjoying yourself with trusted friends or family and when you are ready you'll find someone worthy of your love. You'll know when someone really loves you because nothing will stop them from spending every available moment with you. Hope this helpsSteve
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 Hi SkeezI am so sorry that this is making you sad. Schedule some interesting uplifting enjoyable times in the next few weeks.Go walking, go swimming, get involved in a local community project.Do not be too eager to start to another relationship - a new relationship will hapen, sooner or later.You really do have years ahead of you. And plenty of time to meet the ONEBest WishesAbella
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2012):
 You just stopped contact yesterday... give it time.
Abella hit it on the head... LDRs when you are not committed are easy... they don't interfere with life all that much and the time you spend with the person is limited.
I ended an LDR in December by moving in with my partner. We had met in August 2010 and then again in November 2010 by December 2010 we started an LDR that progressed rapidly to being serious... so that by March/April 2011 we knew we were serious.. and in December 2011 he gave up his apartment and moved two hours away from his entire life to be with me.... had we been an hour apart... we would not have even considered ourselves LDR...
4 hours apart is not huge and only 3 visits in 8 months is not many.... If I was LDR and serious we'd be driving 4 hours one way at least every other weekend... and if only an hour... almost daily...
as for getting too old for the games your 18-21 you are far from too old for games...
I don't think he's playing a game... I think he's just not that into you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Skeez +, writes (26 June 2012):
Skeez is verified as being by the original poster of the question Mmm but he was the one who always complained about not seeing me, and I was the one who told him im fine with the fact hes busy and I was in no place or even wanted him to stop his life in anyway, I just wanted to be a companion, not to make him dump everthing for me.
thanks for your answer though
xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 June 2012):
he is commitment phobic.
Yes he was in an unofficial Long Distance Relationship.
But I think he liked to think of it as a low key relationship where he did not have to see you every day. So you brightened him up on the few occasions you met face to face.
the rest of the time he could text you, but that did not interfere with his life too much.
Seeing a Gf in a Long Distance relationship would, in HIS opinion, mean that you would have more of a right to expect to see him more often than you do now.
Currently he can text you,even if his kitchen is a mess and if he looks a mess and his bed is unmade.
he may have had a LDR before where the other party nagged him or the travel irked him.
Yes, sadly,I do think he was happy about it coasting along without too much expectation of any greater commitment.
Full credit though to him that he was honest with you.
Even though the answer was the one you least expected him give
He MAY relent .
He may NOT relent.
Maybe write him a letter telling him how much he meant to you, and how much you cared.
What have you got to lose? He has already said the relationship is over. What can he do if you send him such a letter? At least tell him your feelings.
He's left you feeling so confused as if the rug has been pulled from beneath you.
And it IS very very tough to endure this rejection
Best Wishes
Abella
...............................
|
