A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a long term, long-distance relationship with a guy who basically controls me. I can't do anything without him knowing, he HAS to know what I'm thinking and why I'm thinking that and I'm not allowed to go near any other guy, which is pathetic as I get on better with blokes. He's suicidal and has threaten to kill himself if I ever leave him - and he has tried this twice , both times ended up with him in Intensive Care. But, he is funny, sweet, caring when he wants to be and he does " love me." Baring in mind, he proposed to me, and I had to accept, otherwise he'd end up in Intensive Care again, or worse. But I've grown to love him, of I think I do anyway. But today when he ended it completely out of the blue by going "I can't take anymore of you, we're over," I was distraught. He managed to keep his mouth shut for about 11 or so hours before going "I want to be with out, but I need a lot of space. We could try out having more space from each other if you wanted and see if it works?" I don't want this, but I don't want to lose him. And if I try to compromise, he'll ignore it as usual. What should I do?
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (2 September 2010):
 You write, "I don't want this, but I don't want to lose him". I think you are in danger of losing yourself to be honest as you get sucked into his mental illness. People with self harm disorders are often incredibly emotionally manipulative and controlling. It can leave people who care for them depression and anxious. Rather than facing up to their own mental health problems it is easier to blame others around them for what is wrong. This is very draining of their targets. He requires professional intensive psychiatric treatment. Although you may feel like you are helping him by sticking around, the opposite is true. By coming back for more abuse and control from him it tells his disordered mind that it is ok for him to function like this - it is perceived as normal. By leaving him he may have to face up to his issues and take responsibility for his actions. Cognitive behavioural therapy and medication is what he needs, not a girlfriend who takes anything he throws at her. It is time to put yourself first. You are a young woman and self-preservation is what you should focus on. You now have an opportunity to walk away, leave him and get on with your life. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for him.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2010):
One day instead of putting himself in intensive care, he'll put you in it. Good reason to leave.
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A
female
reader, sizzling1  +, writes (2 September 2010):
you are better off without this guy in your life. by the way, you sound like a nice person but you are NOT responsible for his actions..he keeps you on a leash with emotional blackmail. if he loved you he wouldn't be putting you through all this stress. move on, girl..take control of your life..pray for him and let him go..remember to pray for yourself too..for God to give you the strength to move on..
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 You move on to something better, that is what you do. Or tell him that the only way to get back together will be on YOUR terms. Which I can promise you he will never be able to do, because as time has shown he lives only for himself and his own needs, and you are a mere pawn to be used for his comfort. Don't fool yourself. He doesn't love you. He likes having you as his comfort blanket. Now he has gotten bored with you and wants to see if he can shake loose some last drops of comfort out of you before he tosses you away completely. Getting back together with more distance than there already is? Don't kid yourself. And yes, you can find million times better guys than this, men who are real men and not suicidal.
At some point down the road you will have no more patience, and no more strength left to bother, and then you will wish that he would do the job properly and not end up in Intensive Care. Better to break loose now before you loose your sanity completely. He has given you the golden opportunity. Tell him "I love you, but this relationship is not good for me, and it is best that we split". Then, if he isn't already getting it, ask him to get some help for his problems. Clearly, something is wrong with you when you use suicide as a means to control people. Something is VERY wrong.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 You already answered your own question, when you say "I don't want this ": you don't want this kind of relationship,- so do not accept it.period.
Ah but what if he attempts suicide again ?...
Look, your first duty is to yourself and YOUR own life, and this does not mean to be uncaring, it means to realize your priorities as well as your limitations. You are responsible for what you do with your life, not for what other people choose to do with theirs.
You can pray for him, you can get him in touch with suicide helplines, or self help groups, you can even help him financially to pay for therapy if you wish,- but that's the extent of what you can and should do for him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): Destructive relationship - what you are feeling for him is pity not love - you are also scared that if you dont 'love' him he will die....
He has serious problems which need to be addressed....
And if you want to continue in a relationship like this, make sure he has a huge insurace policy ceeded to you and make sure it is paid up at all times....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): If you don't like his controlling behavior then tell him to change. If he refuses, well, you have two options: tolerate it, or move on. Regardless there's a huge power imbalance that needs correcting.
Secondly, by threatening to kill himself he's basically manipulating you to get what he wants. That's also incredibly unhealthy. Either way, he sounds like he needs mental help. Perhaps you can encourage him to check into clinic or speak to a therapist?
You need to seriously ask yourself *why* you're with him and what it is about him that you love. Are you sure you're not confusing the feelings of love with dependency, pity, and loyalty? It's not uncommon for abused women to love their abusers.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 Woah talk about a toxic relationship..at first I was confused about how he controls you when your long distance there's no way for him to know everything you're doing. Some stuff just isn't his business, your life is your own. Let him have his space, so he won't be controlling yours..he's manipulating you into thinking you love him. He's clearly an unstable guy in which he's proved with 2 trips to ICU. Don't be with someone who you think you love...be with someone you are absolutely madly in love with. Get away from him, and if he kills himself that's on him not you. All you can do is pray for him.
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (2 September 2010):
 I agree with the previous post. Even though you seem to "love him" he is a strange character. Imagine if you have problems in the future, you'll be in ICU all the time. Although, please don't take me seriously, but if you do decide to stick around, make sure he gets a life insurance policy, and then let him do whatever.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 Why do you think you love this guy? Anyone who tries to control you and makes you feel bad about yourself is not worthy of your love. You are better than that and you deserve someone who will treat you like a princess. If he's like that now with you he will only get worse and worse and trust me he will escalate to violence with you that's a given with guys like him.
Take a deep breath and move on from this guy I bet you will look back and think whew escaped that just in time.
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