A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been engaged for almost a year, getting married September 1st, my fiance and I have a great relationship. We fight like all couples do, but there is something wrong. I'm the female in the relationship, and I'm the one complaining about not getting enough sex. We maybe have it 2 times a month. When I sit down and talk to him about how it makes me feel and what this all does to my emotions, we have sex everyday (that only lasts for a few days, then he goes right back to where he was with the no sex) When I ask him if it's because we're not married he says yes, and goes on and on about why us not being married effects our sex life. Then the next time I'll ask him if it's because of something that happened and he'll say yes, and go on and on about how even though we've made up after a fight, he's still thinking about it. He always says I'm better looking than him, I don't care. I love him, he's a great looking man, so I don't understand why that's even an issue. So I asked him if he didn't want to have sex because he thought I was better looking than him and he said yes. I think you all get the drift of my issue. What do I do? I compliment him all the time, I tell him he turns me on, I offered to role play, watch porn, use toys, dress up.... none of that really does anything to change how he responds.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2012):
 Good luck! And I hope he is considering seeing a doctor to get either the T patch or another form of testosterone replacement therapy.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15991940
I can tell you my husband went from 0% libido to 99% in a short time after starting the patch. It also made such a difference in his moods.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much!!! I think I'll just forget sex for a little while, and pray that it changes SOON. He is insecure and we've talked about it. I listen, ask if he wants my input, and try to help him come up with a solution if I can. He does have low testosterone too, I'm a girly girl and I have more balls than he does. He does like to take care of "it" himself. He's like a teenage boy when it comes to that. He doesn't watch porn. We start pre-marital counseling later this month. I feel like a piece of me would be missing if I left him. But right now I feel like a piece of me is broken.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2012):
I'm think he has a low sex drive (maybe even low T) and you have a normal sex-drive. The thing is, getting married won't change his sex drive.. or yours.
Is he stressed at work? That can lower the libido too.
I think he is being rather unfair to put it all on you. You are too good looking and the other excuses.
I would suggest you two consider premarital counseling and see if you can get to the bottom of this BEFORE the wedding, because otherwise you will be in a marriage where YOU are not sexually fulfilled and that is no fun at all.
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (7 June 2012):
He doesn't want to have sex because he thinks you are better looking than him? So then it would be his insecurity which is the problem?
I don't consider myself good looking but it surely won't hold me back to rock the world of a pretty woman.
You might want to ask him if he masturbates during and before your relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2012):
 My two guesses are :
1) that's his normal sex drive. Not stellar but not even a medicine textbook case. Yours is higher ,his is lower - it happens. He probably feels a bit uncomfortable having to defend and justify what is, after all , the way he is wired biochemically; he does not know how to do that, so he just goes along with what YOU say the problem is.
2 ) this guess, you won't like it, but- it is a possibility.
He's just not that into you sexually.
People may have in mind as a fantasy their ideal partner , which would be outstanding from each and any point of view, but in practice they know that IRL you can't have it absolutely all, and you'll have to compromise , make allowances,and accept less than total perfection..
It may be that he has realized you are the best possible mate for him under any other point of view ( emotional, intellectual, social etc.etc. ) BUT physical. Not everybody gives the same weight to physical attraction, both men and women,- some people would never marry someone whom they are not totally in lust with - some other think that physical attraction / sexual compatibility is secundary to other factors.
As I am writing , I am coming up with a 3rd guess, which would never even have crossed my mind before I joined Dear Cupid, but since we get so many letters complaining about the issue,...you never know :
he is watching a LOT of porn and taking care of his needs on his own ,to such a point that spoils his energy and appetite for the real thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): Dear deprivd one, its not nice is it . Believe me I know . You google it and all you find is men not women saying the same thing. Is he stressing about the wedding? I'd lay off him for a bit dont mention as perhaps mentioning it all the while is making him more stressed?? If that doesn't work i suggest ann summers ha . No just kidding maybe then you need to sit down and talk as its two of you that need your needs met . Perhaps a compromise although i know what happens if i try 'talk' nothing ! Argh men x
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