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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm not sure exactly how you would define our relationship but me and this guy have been "seeing" each other for a while now. He says he likes me a lot but doesn't want a gf because he has been hurt in the past. I on the other hand really want to be with him. How can I get him to change his mind on relationships and about me? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): anonymous female reader. Im going through what u just described. Its been months and he is stringing me along. And yes you are right!! My selfesteem DID go by by! :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): he wants to just have sexif you were the right one, he'd commit alrighti dated a guy for eight months on and off, and got every excuse in the bookone day, he suddenly had a "girlfriend", and he was totally committed to herso, if a man wants you, he will commitif he wants sex, he won'twatch your self esteem go by bytitania
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): what if he does do all those things and acts top rate as a committed man but has problem only with the actual words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend"?
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (8 August 2005):
I take it "seeing" means having sex. Tell him if there is no hope of being in a committed relationship then you do not want to have sex. In having sex without a relationship he perceives you as an object and not a potential partner. Tell him you want to get to know him on a friendship level. If he cares for you he will respect this, if he wants to keep you as a sex toy then he probably will never have a meaningful relationship with you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2005): i went through the same thing this last march through may and after we split for a while.I, just out of the blue this past week, said hi on IM and he said he missed me and wanted to know if we could hang out again. Since i am a complete fool with relationships, i have asked for help from here as well a few times, and got my mans attention it will work for u. Or u will just find a new and better man. either way its all good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2005): When a man is ready to commit to you as a boyfriend—you will know it because he will simply start acting in that role. He will talk about your future together and he will make plans accordingly. He will not only call you daily, but he'll want to tell you the details of his day, and have a desire to hear about yours. A man that wants to be in a committed relationship acts like he wants to be in one.
On the other hand, a man who is not ready to be committed does NOT do all the above. I think, what you're really wondering is what you can do about it. Can you somehow get him to change his mind, or get him to want you more? I say-No. If your guy's not ready to commit, there's absolutely no point in pushing him. You can make the mistake of giving him an ultimatum (as many women do), make promises about how great you'll be to him, and even ultimately snag him, but I guarantee he'll only end up resenting you for it-cheating or leaving. Men are, by their very nature, the pursuers, the aggressors, the hunters. You would not expect a fish to jump out of the water and start walking on land, so don't expect a man to stop being a man. If a man is in love with you he will want to be with you, he will want to spend time with you, and he definitely will not want to lose you to another man. Threats and will not work-neither does reversing the male and female roles, with you asking him to commit to you. I wholeheartedly believe a man must believe he has won the prize (eg: you) in every sense of the word. If you ask a man to commit to you, he doesn't have to win you- he has not won anything. You, in fact, have made him the prize! And you, more likely than not, will pay for it in the long run.
It could be as simple as the insecurity you'll feel, always wondering if he really loves you or if he would really rather be with someone else. Or it could an even more painful scenario-he leaves you for another woman, perhaps not even one as attractive or successful as you, but one he picks out, one he pursues, and on he “wins” on his own.
So, what can you do. There's only one answer: Start dating other men! Move on and get going, girl..have some fun! If you and this guy aren't committed and he isn't giving you any promises of committment..then take care of yourself and get out and live your life. Sorry to say this but start dating because your current guy is not worth wasting your time on. You'll be doing it because you deserve a man who is willing to put it all on the line for you. Dating may have the side effect of making the guy you're currently “seeing” realize that he really does love you, and was taking you for granted, but that's not why you'll be doing it. Date others because out there in the big world, there is someone who knows how great you are without your having to tell them. Someone who will want to see you every night of the week — and will never make you wonder whether they're waiting for Ms. Right, because they know you're it!
Good luck and enjoy life....be happy!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2005): Are you OK with being friend with benefits? Sounds like that is what he wants.
If you want to change his mind, be less available and more aloof. If he notices, that tells you something. If he doesn't, that tells you a lot.
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reader, lucy +, writes (7 August 2005):
I have been through this situation many times and have got emotionally hurt many times because of it but at the end of the day it is totaly up to you how you feel about the situation. If you are happy just 'seeing' each other, without a relationship then carry on but if you definitely want relationship i suggest to forget about being 'romantic' with him altogether or else you will end up hurt. He says the reason that he doesnt want a gf is because he has been hurt, however the real reason could be because he wants to see other girls aswel as you. I don't think that you can get him to change his mind but you are in control of staying or leaving. I think that you should go for a guy who likes you so much that he really wants you to be his girlfriend.
Best of luck sweety xxx
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