A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some relationship help?My fiancé and I have been together going on 6 years. He proposed to me when we were together only 6 months but I wanted to wait to get married to see how things would play out because I was in a previous relationship for 7 years that ended horribly. My problem is that my fiancé is not working right nowwhich makes me have to pay for ALL the bills food. its been since this January that he lost his job and has not found a new one yet. This same thing happened last year and I’m frustrated because I have 3 children and 2 teens that I need his help to support. I’m struggling so badly financially and have wiped out my savings that took me over 6 month to build covering mine and his portion of the bills. Idk what to do. I don’t feel that he’s trying hard enough to get a job and just sits around watching tv all day. And now about a week ago he comes telling me he wants to go on a fast for a whole month where we don’t sleep together (sex) and also don’t sleep in the same room. This is for religious reasons. his decision has caused me to distance myself completely I find it so hard to respect a man that doesn’t work because I come from a family who is all about the grind. He wants to be married but I’m still hesitant because I don’t feel like I’m being taken care of. I feel that too much falls on me bills cooking cleaning kids errands groceries etc and that he is selfish. So much sucks in our relationship like the sex we are not sexually compatible. and because he is selfish when it comes to me everything is about his pleasure during sex and not mine. Idk what to do. I’ve been praying and trying to figure out what I should do. I feel embarrassed being with him a lot of the time because I wouldn’t tell my daughter to date someone who isn’t taking care of her. He wants a wife and is telling me that he would do a lot better when we get married but I feel that before marriage you have to prove yourself. I should be confident in the person I’m marrying and I’m not. My main reason for staying is that I find him so attractive it would crush me to see him with another woman so I feel stuck but I feel stupid because he is not handling his responsibilities.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 March 2022):
 So, let me get this straight . . . You stay with a man who mooches off you and refuses to take responsibility for himself because he is good looking and you would be jealous if you saw him with another woman? Sister, you should feel SORRY for the other woman because you can guarantee he will mooch off her too.
You KNOW marriage won't change him - except possibly for the worse. You have been sensible in refusing to get married. Now put the final building block in place and get rid of this entitled parasite out of your life. You would be better off on your own because you would have one less mouth to feed.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2022): I agree with QueenCupcake's advice 100%. I think he is one of those guys who is not cut out for work. This is rather a mental issue than anything else in my opinion. Maybe he is unable to get on with others at work. Maybe he is immature and childish and is bullied and laughed at at work. Maybe he doesn't like being bossed around. Maybe he is bad tempered... Usually this type of people are good with animals like working on a farm or a zoo or a pet shop where they have minimum contact with people. You should have a serious and nice and sympathetic talk with him see what is his issue with work and reach a solution that he takes on all the house work while you go out to work. e.g he should take the kids to school in the morning and go and collect them at the end of the day and do all the cooking cleaning shopping..etc in between. Another choice would be if he can do some sort of work from home. If you can't leave him then talk to him and do something about it. Good luck.
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female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (3 March 2022):
 I’m not sure of the fact that you’d be jealous if he was with someone else as a good reason to be with him, considering you’ve complained about everything else about him in the post. Personally, I think your relationship has run its course, but that’s not what your question was, so I’ll do my best to advise you on what you asked.
I think you need to talk to him about your concerns. Tell him that you don’t feel confident, and that you feel that people should prove themselves before marriage, which by the way, I agree with. Tell him that you’re struggling with trying to keep your family afloat, it’s not fair for all of them to be relying on you to do everything. If he can’t get a job so easily, could he at least take more of a Homemaker role, and focus on taking care of the kids? So that it’s a little more balanced. That way, you don’t have to do everything.
Maybe he’s become lazy because he’s given up hoping for himself. Maybe he feels like a failure. It’s not really right for you to assume things without talking to him first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2022): @Honeypie
Amen!
OP, you have to do what is best for you and your kids. I know being lonely and struggling by yourself is rough on a single-mom. One of my own sisters was a single-mother for awhile, after a divorce. At least the kids have a great relationship with their dad; and he has always paid his child-support and shared parenting. She got the house, and one of the cars. She worked hard, until she became disabled; and only used the kid's money for their needs. The good Lord took her with lupus three years ago. The eulogy the kids gave was beautiful. They always felt safe, they never worried about anything, and they said she is the best mom ever! Don't you want your babies to feel you're the greatest mom ever? You can't be; if some guy is weighing you down, and exhausting you. Even worse, depleting all your income!!!
Sweetheart, if you have to do it alone; you've got to do what you've got to do! Don't take the food out of the mouths of your growing-kids for some trifling man!!! Working yourself to the bone!
What are you going to marry him for, just to add-on another dependent? You pay his bills, and the man-boy isn't even your husband! If he was, with his non-working butt, he's a poor excuse for a man!!! I use the term "man" loosely! Taking money from a struggling woman with kids to support! Infuriating!!!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 March 2022):
 I am still confused a bit about your post. I'm wondering about the total number of children you have, and who their father is. It seems that teenagers should be getting some child support . . . BUT
It doesn't change the advice I would give you. In the end you say " I find him so attractive it would crush me to see him with another woman". So your sole remaining reason for maintaining this relationship is potential jealousy. That is just not good enough. You are incompatible in a lot more ways than sex. You really just need to accept that there really is no value to you left in this relationship. And, that is the reason you don't want to be married to him.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2022):
 I think you need to sit down and talk.
Express how you feel and what you need.
He is a GROWN man. Who should contribute.
Is he adding to your life overall? Or not?
You write:
"I feel that too much falls on me bills cooking cleaning kids errands groceries etc and that he is selfish."
You forgot to add work.
What does HE do then? It seems he isn't doing ANYTHINg for this family!
YOUR priority should be your kids. It's not.
You don't have 3 children, you have 4. One is a grown man-child.
No wonder he wants you to marry him. So you can take care of him from now on!
"He wants a wife and is telling me that he would do a lot better when we get married but I feel that before marriage you have to prove yourself. "
You are right. He SHOULD prove it BEFORE marriage. But I think HE will not change much whether HE is married to you or not. THIS is who he is.
"I should be confident in the person I’m marrying and I’m not. "
No wonder, OP! You can NOT be confident that HE would actually go above and beyond to take care of the family. He hasn't so far. He sounds lazy and selfish and I wonder why you think YOU can't do better.
He won't be a better man AFTER the wedding. He won't be a better lover, partner, or father.
His LOOKS are the least important thing when raising a family. Unless he makes a living from being good-looking!
This is the guy you are with. You are HOPING and PRAYING that he will MAGICALLY change and become the man you think he can be and WANT him to be. THAT, OP... is unrealistic.
You have a man child and 3 kids. He is not helping out at home. He is a drain on your finances and he contributes nothing!
My guess is you will stay with him and your resentment will start to build and build. You might even end up with a 4th child and still be the one putting in 100% - he will do less and less and make excuses as to why he doesn't have to.
He sounds like a loser, OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2022): You should read your own post to yourself. Sit quietly in a room, and think about what you've written. You already have dependents. Yet, some unemployed adult-male lets you pay his bills and has the audacity to ask you to marry him.
All some guy has to do is mouth the words "I love you" or "marry me," and you'll lose your mind and all common sense???
You can do bad all by yourself!!! You don't need another dependent, when you can barely handle what you've got.
Having a mate means someone who supports you in everyway and on every level.
You're not stuck. You just don't want to give-up a no-good man; and you want somebody to tell you what to do; which you won't do.
Just read what you've written. You'll figure it out.
Girlfriend, what is it about you poor ladies over 30 with no-count men? Do you really think you can't do better, or don't deserve better?!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2022): He is a child, the only thing sensible is where he talks about going on a fast. At least then you no longer pay for his food or put up with a child wanting to have sex with you.Why are you bothering with him? He is not worth any decent woman's time. It seems to me you are scared of being on your own so put up with a rubbish guy. More fool you.BUT you need to take care of yourself. You do that by being more selective about who you date and you earn your own money. Why should any other guy want to take care of you and your kids? He has proved himself to be inadequate. Now it is your turn to prove that you are not inadequate too. By stepping up to the plate in taking care of your family and making grown up choices.
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