A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneTo keep a long story short, I’ve fallen for a man who’s wonderful and makes me happy. He is 20 years older than me. I am not worried about the happiness factor DURING the relationship, I’m more concerned about him dying 20 years before me.Please don’t say “Oh you never know if he’ll live to be 100!” Or “You never know—you might go before him!” —Yes, all that is possible but the statistics say that he is more likely to die before me, so I’m ruling out the outliers to not kid myself.It pains me to consider not being with him all because of this. I try to downplay how bad it is in my mind to try and justify it, but I end up feeling like I don’t deserve to be alone for that long as an old woman. Articles online rarely ever talk about this—they mainly focus on the compatibility things. I feel lucky to have found it even just once, and don’t know if tossing this to the side for someone younger will be fruitful. What are your thoughts on this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RedSonja +, writes (27 March 2022):
 If it is true love it is worth whatever years you have together. You will always have true love as the bar to reach, and that does not happen every day and in every relationship. If it does not feel like true love (breathe - yes, breathe - no, if you are not sure, your body will tell you the truth, your mind will chatter), then enjoy the ride and take some time to develop yourself and love yourself and be clear about what you want in life and a relationship before making yourself available. Meditate, this will grow you in your love for yourself and knowing what you need and want. Happy journey to you!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): Op, you've dismissed all the advice given to you; as to be expected in a lot of cases here on DC. People often write, only to accept what they're told that they want to hear.
You will never know when your death will come. My mother died at only 42. Leaving my father behind with a bunch of kids, who had to be tended and cared for by a nanny. If she had a choice, she would have preferred to live longer. My dad was 12 years older than she was.
Statistics are not a reality, they are based on a law of averages. It is not a precise science; but used as a guideline or base for calculation. Pandemics know no age, accidents defy statistics, and genetic diseases pick and choose randomly the age or time to become symptomatic in our lives.
You can dismiss common sense, no-one here is trying to brainwash or convince you. Believe what you wish, and waste time worrying about the inevitable or total nonsense. Life is life, and it is unpredictable.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2022):
 OP,
There are no guarantees in life. Only 2 things are certain, you are born and you will die. That is it.
If you work well together and are happy together, that is a GOOD thing! It might not LAST 20+ years due to LIFE or death but why not enjoy it while you both can?
We can't control 99% of what happens in life. The 1% that WE can control, such as ourselves and what we put out "there" should be done with the goal of having a good life. No matter how long it is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2022): HiI understand your concerns. My partner is 26 years older than me and we work because I'm an old soul. I don't seem to be able to settle with men my own age. Things with him are perfect and we love each other a lot. Please don't throw away the happiness that you have now. Some people never find this in their life time! Go out and make memories, enjoy every second. Tomorrow may never come. I would rather have this happiness now - the pain of losing him will be the equivalent amount as the joy I have with him now but it's a sacrifice that all people in relationships make, regardless of age gaps. To love someone is to be vulnerable no matter what.If he's a good man, keep him. Unless you're able to handle the idea of him being with someone else, which I know I cant, personally. My best wishes go out to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2022): You have no way of knowing who is going to die first, and having such a worry makes absolutely no sense. Of all things to worry about in a relationship. Seriously?!!
People sometimes write to DC I guess just to get attention; and they don't really have a legitimate problem. Anybody you meet could die before you! Guess what? You might die first!
My previous partner of 28 years died of cancer. I loved that person for as long as life allowed me to. I've found love again, and life goes on. Who sits around thinking of such things?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2022): If you are that concerned about this guy dying why don't you do what you can to make sure it does not happen?My guy became seriously ill. The doctors wanted to do an operation, we knew other people who had had the same operation and regretted it later saying it did not really help and gave them horrible problems they must now live with daily.Leaving things as they are is a lazy bad idea, making the wrong changes is a stupid idea. Is your guy over weight, does he smoke, does he drink a lot? does he eat a lot of red meat,junk food, you can do something about it if he does. I changed my guy's diet and his "serious" problem went away and has never returned.If he takes care of himself then it is silly to worry,he could live longer than you, he could not. And ten years with the right person beats fifty years with the wrong one or being alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I know that the possibilities are endless, but since statistically it’s so much more probable that he passes before I do, would it just be an unwise gamble though?
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female
reader, maddie1621 +, writes (4 March 2022):
hey! if he makes you happy and you really love him, no matter how much time you spend with him, it will be worth it. you might regret not having spent the time you could have with him, if you don't go for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): My 59 year old mum died before my 72 year old dad. Now my 30 year old sister has terminal cancer. Just because he is a few years older, certianly no guarantee he will die before you.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 March 2022):
 So, let me get this right . . .
Just in case he dies before you and you don't manage to find anyone else, you will give you happiness NOW?
What a strange way of thinking. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone, regardless of age. The only thing you can be sure of is TODAY. Perhaps you should grab your happiness where you can?
Just my opinion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): Okay, so throw him to the kerb and find someone younger who may die early through cancer, traffic accident, heart condition etc etc.
You can't control the world and everything and everyone around you. You CAN enjoy what life has given you in the here and now. That's the way to enjoy life you know, to enjoy the here and now, not try to gamble a better outcome. No-one can be sure what's around the corner.
If you're thinking like this about him, then I'll wager you're not that crazy about him. If you were, you'd be happy for whatever time you have together.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2022):
He might go before you. You might find someone else afterward.
Who knows? But why not live in there "here and now" and not worry about that right now?
Because you CAN NOT change the past and you can not control what may happen or when it may happen. But you CAN be happy in there here and now.
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