A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my ex, (I'll call him Jay) I had an instant connection with him the moment I met him, but our relationship was short lived. He broke up with me because I was "distracting him from his baseball career." (he was a baseball star in his league) Later he confessed to me that he couldn't handle his emotions, that he was so happy with me, but when I would leave he would become so overwhelmingly depressed. It sucked for me because I had really strong feelings for Jay, so that later when he wanted to "hangout" again I gave in. A year later when my new relationship began to crumble, Jay started texting me again. It was actually really helpful for me because the current relationship I was in was abusive, and had emotionally drained me completely. Talking to Jay made me remember the girl I had been with him; outgoing and strong. When I finally got out of the abusive relationship I started seeing Jay again. However the emotional damage had already been made on me from the relationship and I eventually had a breakdown and left school for a period of time. After that, he never spoke to me again until 2 years had past. In August he contacted me through facebook, again when I was in a relationship. I guess he always wants what he can't have. We occasionally texted, but never anything more because I was very happy in my relationship with my boyfriend. When that relationship ended, Jay hit me up instantly. Because it felt right, I agreed to see him. We talked for hours and hours, and felt the years just melt away.Then something weird happened. Because it was his birthday, I wrote on his facebook wall, simply saying happy birthday....and he deleted it. I asked him about it but he denied it, then stopped talking to me altogether. A month later he did something funny. He "liked" my status, and then an hour later un-liked it. I had to laugh because it was so odd. It really gets to me because I have really strong feelings for him, that I can't seem to get over no matter how many years go by or other guys I date. I can't really say that I think he "used" me because the last time I saw him all we did was talk! I decided that for now while he's a complete mess, (he can't stay sober for more than a couple days) and is treating me like crap obviously I shouldn't see him. That is my decision, but it's extremely hard when I feel so drawn to him. All I want now is to put my mind at ease, because it's pissing me off that I don't understand why he would act this way.Are there any guys who can explain his behavior?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter reading that I feel like a weight has been lifted off me, I feel so much better
so thank you :)
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 Well from breaking up with him (the first time - the only time we had a 'proper' relationship) it took about 6 years for all the feelings to go away. But the main reason it took so long because I kept in contact with him, and whenever he would ask to see me I would always give in and visit him. But then I took those 9 months out just to be alone, and that is what really helped me to fully get over him.
I think there are some people you will never "get over" so to speak - no amount of time will ever make your feelings for him go away. You may only ever meet one person in your life that makes you feel this way, and because it was so special you are just incapable of letting it go. But that is the key point - you have to accept that you are always going to have feelinsg for him.
At the moment you are trying to fight it - you say you hate having a weakness and your weakness is him, you clearly want to be over him and you have worked very hard to try and clear these feelings. But what you actually need to do is stop trying so hard, and accept that these feelings are just something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. I know that sounds horrible, because you will be thinking "I wont be able to be happy ever again if I still have feelings for him, I will never be able to have a relationship with another man if I still have feelings for him etc..." I know this sounds odd - but once you have accepted there will always be part of you that loves him, it becomes much easier to deal with and the feelings lessen drastically.
Those 9 months I spent alone, I basically came to the conclusion that probably if there ever was "the one" then it was my ex, and I will always love him. As depressing as that sounds, it was actually quite liberating. Because I no longer had to pretend that another guy is out there who will be better than him, and that I will find a love even better than the one I had with my ex. And when you realise that you no longer have to search desperately to replace the ex you lost, and try and "better" him with every guy you date - then it becomes much easier to deal with.
Accepting your feelings, rather than denying them and trying to force them out of you is the way forward. You can exist with these feelings, they can occupy a small part of you and stay there quite happily without doing you any harm. Take me for example - as I said before, I am now with a fantastic guy and we have just moved in together. He is not my ex, and I never want him to be anything like my ex. He is better in so many ways, and of course there is not the same sort of feeling that I had with my ex, but it is better in a different way. The ex was a one off, but with my current partner I know this is what I want and this is what makes me happy - my ex could never make me happy, not the way he is now.
So I think you have done all you can to "try" and get over him, and now you just need to come to terms with these feelings and accept that they will always be there in some way. You can go on and be happy with someone else, whilst still having these feelings, there is nothing wrong with that. Just accept the feelings, allow them to occupy a small part of your heart and then get on with your life. You will be surprised how much easier it is once you have allowed those feelings to exist within you just to get on with life, be happy and think about him a lot less.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding. I did spend over a year single and not seeing any guys at all, which was very therapeutic for me. To k c100- how long did it take you to really get over him? I know there's no exact number of months or years it will take to resolve the feelings, but it's tiring to hear from multiple people, "just give it time." I have given it time; I've given it a lot of time. And trust me, I can see that this guy is bad news and it's not healthy for me to be attracted to him. But at the end of the day (for the past couple of years) I have feelings for him that I don't want. As an active person my way of healing is to focus on what I'm doing so that I think of nothing else. For example I'm a runner, and I run until I can't think anymore. It's one of the best things I do for myself because I love it and it's good for me. In addition to that I'm a social person so I surround myself with good people and go out a lot and have fun. The feelings though have not gone away. I've even wrote a bunch of letters like the ones k c100 described, and they were helpful. If there's one thing I hate it's when I feel weak, or have weaknesses. It is natural for people to have weaknesses but it's not healthy to have them for another person. I never want anyone to have control over me, or my decisions and choices, and yet that is what it seems this guy has. During that time period when I was single, I did a lot of meditation and therapy which was very good for me. I felt so empowered and strong and no longer felt the need to have a guy in my life constantly giving me attention. And I still feel that way; I don't want a relationship and I don't want to be tied down. And yet I still have these feelings! I just want to be free of these emotions that are such a burden to me. I thought that if I had a better understanding of these recent events that I would feel more in control of the situation and therefore be able to make the decision to cut this guy out of my life, on my own accord.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 October 2010):
Apart from the Facebook thing, this sounds very much like a situation I had with my ex. I was with him only for 9 months but over 6 years following that we went back and forth, always meeting up and dating a little bit, then it never working out and me getting into other long term relationships wtih other guys - but then going back to him every time I broke up with him.
It was just ridiculous - and it was so draining on me because I truly believed he was the "one" and he was everything I wanted, if only he could get over his issues and committ to us properly.
But then after much time spent messing around, I came out of one relationship and then decided to spend a good few months alone, being completely single.
And this was what resolved the situation - it turned out it was me that had the problem, and he was rather irrelevant in all of this! I spent 9 months alone, deliberately not getting into a relationship so I could just figure out what was stopping me from moving on from him. And really it was just that because I bounced from one long term relationship to another, I was trying to replace my ex with these other guys but they never came close so whenever they ended I would be so disappointed that I would always go back to him. But he was not what I wanted either - what I wanted was the memory of when we first were together, not what he had become.
I have not cut contact with him completely - he is still on my facebook and we have each other's mobile numbers, but we dont speak to each other very much anymore. I just realised at the end of those 9 months that I needed to let go of this memory, he is not what I wanted and it was time for me to move on. You can only really move on when you spend that time alone, grieving for that lost memory or lost relationship. If you jump into another one it is just like trying to put a band aid onto a gaping wound, it might stop the bleeding temporarily but eventually it will stop working and the same problems will come back again.
So what I would say to you is that his behaviour on Facebook is irrelevant - you know he has some issues of his own so god knows what he is up to by messing around on Facebook. But this is totally unimportant to you - his behaviour has no meaning and no implication on your life. So stop jumping into new relationships and allow yourself to miss him, to cry for him, to be angry that it didnt work out etc. Really spend some time alone, just getting over it and giving yourself some space.
You will have plenty of revelations over the time you spend alone, it will be hard but so much will become clear. And eventually you will come to not care what he is doing, and you wont be asking questions what his behaviour means anymore. Because what you are wanting by coming on here today is for a few guys to tell you "he likes you still but he is just scared to express it". Well that is not the case - he probably is just a bit lonely and wants some attention, and probably sex. He sounds like my ex - when I would text or call him he would never reply, he just wasnt interested. But as soon as I go quiet for a while, bang! he is back in my life , texting me, messaging me on Facebook etc. And what for? Because they like to know they still have a hold of you, they want what they cant have and simply because they are so messed up they just enjoy messing you around - because they know you will always be there to mess around.
My ex still does it now - the other day he sent a rather explicit message to me on facebook, saying he was having sexual dreams about me etc. And I used to play along, indulding his games and reinforcing that I will always be there as his little back up when he is bored, lonely or horny. But now - I never reply. I will be polite to him if he is on Facebook chat or something like that, but I dont play along with any of his games. I dont text him, I dont send him messages....nothing. I can safely say that all my feelings for him have gone, well the ones on the surface that would bother me frequently. I do love him in a way and I always will, I have never had such an amazing relationship or great guy (when we were first together) and I know I wont find that ever again. So of course part of me will always love him, but I am ok with that. Because I know now that he is not that same person that I loved, all that is just a memory, and there are other guys out there who are great in new ways, and can be perfect for me just in a different way to him.
I hope this all made sense, and the main thing you need to take out of all this is just to stop questioning his behaviour, because all you want is someone to say "he still loves you" when the reality is he is just a messed up guy playing games. The only way this is going to get better is if you put a stop to this once and for all, accept the problem here is you and your feelings for him - and take the time to get over him. I found writing really helped me - I would write letters adressed to him (that I never sent) just pouring my feelings out. I would write one a week at first, maybe more, but then with time the letters stopped and I didnt have anything left to say. And that was pretty much when the feelings for him started to go away.
And just to finish on a good point - I am now with a lovely guy, we have moved in together and I can safely say I no longer think of my ex at all. But I only managed to get to this point by spending that time alone! I cant tell you how important it is to do that, especially if you have been in and out of relationships quite frequently over the last few years.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 I think you responded yourself :
he can't stay sober more than a couple of days.
That explains a lot of things.
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