A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupids :) Im so so confused would love an outside opinion..I met a German guy at University about a year ago (im from the u.k). he previously lived in the U.S.A for 5 years for Uni.when we met him things were casual at first, but then started to get VERY serious. He took me away for my birthday, told me he loved me more than anything and that he wanted to spend his life with me. Then after wed been together about 9 months, i found out that he was engaged to a girl in America. He appeared devestated at what he had done-he is genuinely a nice guy, although obviously what he has done is not nice!He promised many times that he would finish with her, but said it was very difficult as he had been with her for 5 years. He know for a fact that he told her about me and she begged him to stay with her. Because i loved him so much i gave him so many chances. Then at christmas, we were supposed to be going skiiing with his family (or so he told me), but he went back to America to her. I was broken. I thought that was it, but he called me daily from there and sent me endless message ssaying he had made a huge mistake. I ignored him.When he came back to the UK a month later he came to see me and begged me to give him another chance, because he had realised how much he love me when he was with her. I said ok, but only if he proved to me it was ove with her. Again, he kept saying ;ill do it tomorrow, its so hard for me because i dont want to hurt her, but i know i want to be with u and love u more'. I have messaged the girl and told her the situation on several occassions but she just ignores me. I gave him a week to finish it and he said he couldnt do it-it was too hard so I said thats it!enough is enough!he was shocked and couldnt believe i could finish it so easily because he said we are 'meant to be together'. I just dont understand :( He still keeps texting me saying how much he misses me etc, he loves me and cant eb without me, but why would he chose to be with her who lives 3000 miles away, and why did he tell her about me in the first place?sometimes i think maybe he didnt love me, but then why would he call me EVERYDAY from the U.S when he was with her over christmas :( please help im so confused :( sorry for the long msg..but i really though he was the one x (and yes i do feel very bad for her too!)
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male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 I shake my head in utter disbelief in the continuous naiveté displayed by you and frankly so many other women that come to this site. I can't help but think negatively...and I'm trying to write this in a way that doesn't get rejected. Part of me questions the intellect and part of me questions the self-esteem. Part of me blames to your upbringing and educational system for failing you, a lot more comes to mind but I'll spare it in order to avoid rejection.
So let's deconstruct what you wrote. I'd prefer you read what you wrote over and over again until perhaps you can figure out on your own where you are going wrong.
I could probably be here a week but I'm going to try to make this quick. First things first, What is it with all these long distance relationships? If I had to take an informal poll, I'd say over 95% of all long distance relationships are just bad news. The fact is someone at a distance can tell you one thing and do another, all you have to go on is their word. Secondly, I always question those who pursue such cross-continent relations. What is it that drives someone to bypass the millions of potential local partners for someone across the ocean.
Red flag two: What is it with you practically defending this guy? Seriously, I'm afraid for you, if that's possible. Really, try not to take this the wrong way, but hopefully as a light that goes on in your head to not be so naive...and frankly just downright stupid as I fear you are setting yourself up to be serially taken advantage of in your relationships. Read what you wrote, you both were together for 9 months and then you found out he was engaged to someone else whom he had been seeing for 5 years. Seriously, think about that. Then you say he appeared devastated at what he had done and that he is genuinely a nice guy...are you f'ing serious? You literally put those things in the same sentence. Having read this I told myself not to even bother responding because frankly I'm thinking you are too far gone.
So let's deconstruct this part. He knows her much longer than he knows you. So what does that make you? You're the other woman. And you say he was devastated? At what? The fact that you found out? Did he accidentally get involved with you while engaged to another? And you think of him as still a genuinely nice guy? You must be kidding, right?
What happened to kicking garbage to the curb when you find this out? ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!! This guy is a turd in the truest sense and his garbage still lingers and lingers because you buy everything he says, hook, line, and sinker. Look at his actions, look at the facts, and forget about what he says. Has he gotten in your pants? Because if he has, that's all he's ever wanted. Sorry, buts that's the truth in a nutshell. He told you everything you wanted to hear, and you bought it. Stop projecting things onto this turd and your skewed perception of him. And stop listening to his blather, realize it is nothing more than talk.
Like I said, I could go on and on but it would be extremely painful for me and other readers but suffice to say you need to grow up and stop being so naive. It's a big bad world out there and this is yet another turd on the face of this planet and you're another unsuspecting victim.
Just stop this nonsense dead in its tracks. I could never understand the lengths some people go through to deal with such ongoing drama, especially when the facts clearly tell the story. Just stop conversing with this douche...easy as pie. Blame yourself for being an enabler. Be a lot more discriminating in the future and stick closer to home where it's not as easy to get the wool pulled over your eyes. I think you also need to acknowledge some self-esteem or self-worth issues. I would seriously consider getting some help if you feel you can't get over this. Finally, have higher aspirations and standards for yourself because if you don't, don't expect the turd who has been two-timing you to look out for your best interests.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Clearly he was attracted to you, but cannot bring himself to break it off with this other woman he's known for five years.
I'm very sorry, but he was indeed letting her down badly by dating you and letting YOU down by leading you on and keeping on saying he was going to end it with her.......you've given him chance after chance, and its crystal clear he's going to continue with her.......now the ball is in your court as to what you want to do......
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