A
female
age
41-50,
*amato2
writes:Has anyone known of couples who have faced infidelity in their marriage and worked it out? My husband and I have been married for 9 years (together for 16) and he has had a 3 1/2 year affair. We have 2 children together, ages 6 and 4. Is it possible to restore the trust and strengthen the marriage or should we just move on? Will I always be suspicious of him and can he get over the guilt?
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female
reader, arlamai  +, writes (14 May 2010):
I can't comment on a marriage as I have never been married but my last boyfriend cheated on me. I am sorry for what you are going through as I remember the pain myself, as you have children I can imagine this being more complicated than what I have experienced but I hope my fraction of knowledge might help.If your husband has ended the affair and is truly sorry, it would be perfectly acceptable for you to impose some rules in order for him to gain your trust back. Rules such as being home at a certain time four evenings a week in order to have family meals or even asking for the right to look at his phone to calm any 'irrational' fears you may have. The problem that occurs most when a partner cheats and is quickly forgiven is that it doesn't give you the time necassary to recover from such a heartbreak. The cheating partner feels that you must have already moved on if you have forgiven them. Being honest about the fact that you will be suspicious until your trust has been regained will forewarn the cheating partner that there may be moments of 'irrationality' where your brain is working overdrive to protect you and therefor will want to 'check up.' If your partner refuses to allow the things that are necassary for you to begin to feel secure then it is a question of staying someone who can't support you after he has broken your heart. I hope he has seen the error of his ways and does everything he can to keep you, but if he doesn't then he is not worth any more of your tears. After my ex cheated on me, I forgave him instantly in the hope that we would quickly move forward as a stronger couple. This meant that I crushed my feelings and never had a way of communicating them as the incident had been forgiven. I began checking his phone whilst he was asleep and keeping tabs on his emails which was not only wrong of me, but very creepy behaviour!! Your partner must understand that you may get these urges and he must be sympathetic to them, he is after all the one that broke your trust.I really hope this all turns out ok for you, if it doesn't then I am sure you will not let him treat you like this again. One indiscretion is excusable if honestly admitted, two is just plain mean.Best of luck xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): i think you need to clarify "his guilt" to me he only scored. so why would he feel guilt. i hope you are not one of those woves who blame the other woman and not the cheating husband.yes you will /should also be suspicious and you need to always be checking up on him. remember he cheated for more than a third of your marriage. this speaks volumes.
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A
female
reader, Kenzoli  +, writes (12 May 2010):
Hi , it gets add each day n trust me ,u will never trust him nt to talk of loving him again like before . Go for therapy if u willing to give it a try ,am sorry abt heartbreak.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 If you can wipe the slate clean and start all over again, you can rebuild and strengthened your marriage.
Nobody is perfect and we make mistakes. If he has learned from his mistakes,you will have a stronger marriage.
Time is a great healer .You may not forget his betrayal but the pain is no more.
If he has earned your trust again,you should not be suspicious of him. The guilt may still be with him but it is now tolerable as he has come out in the open.
I wish you all the best.Look forward and don't look backwards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): If you love each other enough and want to make it work you can
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (11 May 2010):
 He cheated and you lost faith in him and don't trust him anymore this is normal. When we marry we make a commitment to be honest, faithful, and trustful and when a person cheats he or she breaks that contract. It's normal not to trust him and mainly if this is recent, But in time and with his good behavior you should be able to trust him again. You and your husband should go to counseling and work on these issues because until this trust issue gets manage it will be hard to be fully happy.
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A
female
reader, malibu1 +, writes (11 May 2010):
will yu always feel bad and think about it if yu put it behind if so dont put it behind if yu feel yu can forgive him without it hanging over yu at all times than iwould say give him a try but make sure yu dig deep and find out exactly y he did tht to yu before yu make the decision.
good luck:)
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 May 2010):
 We all do stupid things sometimes, and forgiving is a nice thing to do, but sometimes the people whose trust we betray can't trust us anymore, and that's not their fault but ours. Our betrayal shows an aspect of ourselves that the other person didn't know and we become unreliable forever after. I don't know if that's the case here.
I'm not sure when you found this out, but apparently it was not so long ago, and so perhaps it's a bit early to know what you will do. I'm afraid only you can tell whether you will be able to put this behind you or not. One question you need to answer is whether it makes sense to put it behind you or not.
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