A
female
age
30-35,
*onfusedlover10
writes:i can't live with myself right now. im not suicidal or anything like that, i have a lot to live for. i did something HORRIBLE and i thought i could deal with keeping it as a secret but its eating at me more and more each day. Well, my boyfriend and i broke up a month ago and i think a few days later, i had sex with another guy. it wasn't planned and i did not wanna do it, i swear on everything i didn't. he was drunk but i wasn't and he kept kissing on me and touching on me and tried to roll over and pretend i was sleeping but he wouldn't leave me alone. he kept asking and asking and asking and i have a problem with not saying no to people, idk why. all of sudden, we were having sex and it lasted about 20mins til i decided to stop because i started crying. idk what was going on in my head but i wish i go back. i cant stop crying though. the guy that i had sex with was one of my exs friends. i feel so horrible and want to tell my ex boyfriend. the reason why i feel this bad is because i always played the victim during situations where he cheated on me. he asked me recently if i had anything to tell him but i said no, but he only asked me because i caught him lying about having sex w/my best friend. i told him i wasn't hiding anything because it was over txt messaging and i wanted to tell him face to face, so now i have to wait until we get back from christmas break. i've been getting at him about the things that he's done when all along, ive been just as bad. the only thing that has kept me from telling him is that we weren't together when it happened. if i tell him, im afraid he won't ever talk to me again. but when he cheated on me about 8mths ago, i forgave him because i love him, i just afraid he wont do the same. im terrified, please help.
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best friend, broke up, cheated on me, christmas, drunk, kissing, my ex, sex with another Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): The main issue here is why did you let this guy bully you into sex? If you were drunk I would say this is non consensual sex but it does border on that as he was drunk and he bullied you into sex.
You didn't cheat on your ex, you and he split up. You're free to have sex with whoever you want to, but I would advise against having sex with drunken creeps or with anyone else for a few months.
My advice is to stay away from all of these people and work on your ability to set boundaries and to say no to anything you don't want to do. Use this as a learning experience and don't be so hard on yourself. Good luck.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 Don't tell him and not for the sake of being secretive, but because it's none of his business. You are broken up now, he is an ex ( and he was also when you had sex with this other guy ). As an ex he is not supposed to monitor your sex life, personally I don't believe in staying friends with your exes, but some people do successfully and you don't have to tell all the gory details about your intimate life to a male friend, it's just tacky and prurient. Ah... but he 's not just a friend... he's the guy you want to get back with. AQsk yourself WHY. Why on earth. he is a cheater. He cheated on you whiloe you were together. You did not cheat on him because you were already broken up. Big difference, I'd say.
Ask yourself why you are so in a hurry to get back with a cheating lover, I think it's the same reason why you have trouble saying no to sex when you are pressured : low self esteem. I'd recommend you to work on that, and on building a sense of personal boundaries, BEFORE even thinking of being in another relationship, whether with your ex ( I hope you'll reconsider though ) or with another guy. Otherwise history will repeat itself. If you give yourself the same respect and value you'd give to a floor mop- people will use you to mop their floors. Sad but inevitable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Oh darling... first of all, take a deep breath! When you're panicking, you can't think straight, and things tend to seem much worse than they actually are. Right, number one, you should stay broken up with your ex. I can't believe he cheated on you with your best friend of all people, and you forgave him. Don't get me wrong: I think that forgiving a person is infinitely better than bearing a grudge against them. But if someone can betray you like that, you're better off without them in your life!Number two, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about in your ex's regard. You didn't "play the victim during situations where he cheated on [you]" - you *were* the victim. And hen you had sex with this other guy, you were no longer in a relationship, hence you did not cheat. You don't have to tell your ex about what happened; to be frank, it's none of his business.Number three, the guy you had sex with. In my book, that was rape by verbal coercion. He may not have physically forced you to have sex with him, but he persisted and persisted until you gave in - not because of your own will, but because your self-esteem is clearly very, very low. You feel you can't say no to people, and you're allowing yourself to be used and abused by unscrupulous individuals like your ex and his friend...I know you love your ex, but his presence in your life is doing you more harm than good. I think you need to cut contact with him, tough as it may be; I don't know of any other way to move on once and for all. Have nothing to do with the guy you had sex with either. You need to heal now, and it's not your ex's forgiveness you need, but your own. You're feeling rotten right now because in a moment of weakness you let something happen which you regret - but that okay, I promise. We all make mistakes. It's what we learn from them afterwards that matters.Do you think you might benefit from a bit of counselling? A difficulty with saying no to people can be hard to overcome alone if it's something that you've struggled with all your life. It's vitally important to defeat it though; for your own sake, you have to know when and where to draw the line. Turn to friends and family for support. You're never alone! Ultimately, you have to find strength within yourself - nobody can give it to you. You're better than all of this, you know... never forget that :) Good luck and take care x
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A
male
reader, eek  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 if you and him were "broken up" at the time you dont have to feel guilty or tell him anything.
In the Grand scheme of things he cheated you forgave him. You had sex when you were outside a relationship. (not cheating) if he loves you he should accept that.
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