A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guysLittle advice please. 7 months ago i found out my parnter had been cheating on me at the beginning of the year. i knew he was up to no good and my suspicions were confirmed when she contacted me months down the line telling me she had been seeing him for a while but didn't know about me. anyway - i am the type of girl that would be the first to say 'walk away' from a cheat, but i didn't. i decided to forgive him, or at least try. in a weird way it brought us closer for a while then the cracks appeared. i ofcourse was devastated - and still am. however, he has suffered nothing but abuse, questioning and grief from me ever since. i feel like a terrible person. it came to a head 2 weeks ago when he broke down and said he couldn't take it anymore and maybe i should leave. what he done was terrible, but i have made it worse. we talked (and cried!!) alot that day, and i am still here. we have been great, cuddling and having a good time together like we used to and any time the past pops in2 my head i immediately tell myself to shut up. i guess what i really am looking for here is suggestions from u guys.. what can i do to show him and prove to him how sorry i am for the grief and that i do love him. he isn't really the romantic type so putting candles around the house and cooking dinner isn't really his thing. as i said.. what he done was terrible, but he has done nothing but prove time and time again how sorry he is and show me that he isn't up to anything. answers on a postcard please!! lol how can i fix this? what could we do to bring back all the good times!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): Well he chucked me out the other day saying he couldn't take the abuse anymore. Says he doesn't know what he wants anymore. I know he's been bad but I'm upset and miss him. I'm angry that I have him another chance for him to just throw it back in my face months down the line.
A
female
reader, mrswaldhauser  +, writes (16 January 2013):
 Anonymous Read who said: "First of all, I hate this "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality that some people have. A million different reasons cause a person to cheat, and it's not fair to come to the same conclusion considering all of those possibilities."If somebody cheats in a monogamous relationship there are different levels! If this man had gone out, met another woman and had a momentary lapse of judgment and then gone home and told his partner "I'm sorry, I have no idea how I could do this to you?" then perhaps that is forgivable and even understandable to a certain extent. But he didn't. He was seeing this other woman for repeatedly and sleeping with her repeatedly. That tells me he doesn't love or care for you whatsoever. Do you think he loves you when he's having sex with this other woman? Does he heck! To be able to get over this, forgive the man and try and forget about it can only be achieved by a saint. You are completely human for bringing it up all the time and if he can't take the hassle then he should have kept it in his pants in the first place. I suggest you break it off and move on. You may love him but think of the man you are missing that will love you too and not sleep with other women behind your back!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 January 2013):
 You do realize you will NEVER trust him again right?
he not only cheated.. he cheated LONG TERM WITH ONE PERSON.
every time he gets a text or his phone rings don't you wonder who it is? don't you think he's lying?
what if he says "honey I'm going out tonight with the guys I'll be home late"
do you believe him?
ok now, what are you going to do with this lack of trust?
if you can get past it you are a far better woman than me...
you have done nothing wrong.... he lied, he cheated. you will need much time to heal and forgive if you can ever manage it. I don't know if I could ever forgive again... I did my ex husband and I tried to look the other way... and no it didn't' work and no I never trusted him again...and I do not believe he loved me as much as he said he did since his actions clearly show he did not.
I won't tell you to leave him, but if you can't get past the lack of trust, then what have you got?
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (14 January 2013):
 You don't. What you do is leave him. He is untrustworthy and has no integrity. There's no future in this so-called "relationship". The longer you two are together the worse and more painful it'll get for you.
Just leave and find someone who wants to be with you and only you.
At the moment you are wasting your time with the wrong guy. You could be out there meeting the right guy.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (14 January 2013):
Guy cheated on you and only felt remorse when he got caught. Thank your personal God he is no longer in your life and move on.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 The last anon reader would be correct , if we should assume that there is any valid reason for cheating, or a better-than-others reason.
But, for many people , is : who the f .. cares why ? He /she STILL cheated . Deal broken, and possibility of repair : scant to nihil.
If you shoot me in a leg and I end out crippled , who cares about your millions of reasons. Maybe I was really a bitch and really drove you mad. Maybe you were drunk and took me for a deer, or a squirrel. I don't care- the end result is that you ruined a perfectly good leg, and that from now on I'll limp forever. If we used to go dancing together , now we won't anymore- what you did has changed me, has changed US.
Some people can get over , more or less easily, the pain of being cheated on , and decide
to give a second chance. But it's one of those cases where forgiving IS forgetting. Getting over it means being able to consider the betrayal as a weird, isolated, freak accident, over and done- I don't think one can really " forgive " and check his passwords, forgive and rehash what happened, forgive and feel constantly anxious and insecure. If you people doing this,...they are just holding on for dear life, not really turning page and restarting anew.
That's why not many people, including the OP, can get over being cheated on :it takes, beside tons of love, tons of strength, tons of self confidence, tons of self discipline, tons of generosity.. and nerves of steel. Too much for most people... and to invest on a cheater too.
Seen from the viewpoint of the cheater, instead, I am glad that your method of Sunday conferences worked for you,anon - showing once again that we are all different, and that for any generic rule , there are plenty of possible exceptions. But I would not recommend it, and I think that your gf must have felt incredibly guilty or must be incredibly patient , or both. Because normally the idea would be : OK, I fessed up, I am sincerely sorry , I apologized, you believed I AM sorry and decided to forgive me. Now enough alreday, please. Let's spend our Sunday nights making love or watching TV or whatever, anything BUT conducting regular official seminar about my past misdeeds. Either you can handle what happened, or you can't, just make up your mind.
That's why I don't feel that, with all good will, there are many chances to fix this. The OP is just a regular human being, not a saint, not a love novel heroine, and she CAN'T let go, she is hurt,angry and humiliated and does not know when this will stop. The cheating bf is human too, he screwed up big time and he knows it, nevertheless he got tired to be in the doghouse.
Op, sorry about my negative outlook , but if I have to be sincere I think about your situation what I think of ALL similar situations. When a porcelain vase is broken, is broken, and if you glue the pieces together, you don't make it unbroken, you make it glued back, with all the cracks showing ... damaged and ugly.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 So he cheated and is now bearing the brunt of your hurt and pain - so what!!Why should you be sorry?? He selfishly went out and cheated - do you really think he spared one thought about you while he was with another woman?He should be making it up to you and proving that you can trust him again - provided that is, if you decide to stay. The only reason why he is doing the sobbing is that he is SORRY - YES, SORRY HE GOT CAUGHT!Wake up and smell the coffee - he will cheat again and knows that by playing the victim you will feel sorry for him and forgive him... wash rinse repeat!Please go and have STI's testing done, as he no doubt slept with her without protection. Even if he says that he used protection, go and get tested because considering he lied and cheated - you should not believe what he says.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): My mother always says you reap what you sow.He was man enough to do this to you so I would expect him to be man enough to take the backlash!!The worse thing she told you, so he was going to just let you live a lie?Relationships are built on trust.Look you are doing all the normal things, and the questioning is just normal, is he just expecting you to get over this, over night? Never going to happen.My partner cheated on me, I have gone through all the same emotions, I have tried to forgive him and move on. But my brain is literally like no, why should you. I've tried to ignore those voices in my head. But it's two years down the line and I still don't forgive him, I still look at him in disgust and I still keep thinking why am I here?Have you ever thought that maybe you just can't move on, when you agree to forgive someone for cheating you need to have a long talk and set grounds and find out why it happened! And remember it was his choice not yours there is nothing wrong with you, cheaters are just selfish and manipulative.The problem is If you don't get to the root of the problem it could happen again.I would say leave, I'm miserable with my partner. But before I even found out about his cheating we had a baby and a whole year had passed and I just couldn't leave. I'm now in that selfish stage and I'd be happy just to leave him for someone else but I'm not cowardly. But ask yourself is it worth saving? He cheated totally disregarded you, lied to you and did the worse thing in a relationship he could do to you.Another thing my mum kept saying is my relationship is too young for this as I would presume yours is too she's been with my dad for 30 years they have had faced problems but I don't think ever to this point.Your relationship will never be the same they loose that sparkle and innocence. It's going to take you years and imagine you'll have good days and bad days and you'll always question him even if his actions are innocent because that trust you once had will never be rebuilt to the same standard as it was before.Good luck on your journey x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): She said she wants to work things out. Respect her decision!First of all, I hate this "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality that some people have. A million different reasons cause a person to cheat, and it's not fair to come to the same conclusion considering all of those possibilities.Obviously they had problems. But whatever the problems were, it looks as if they've been talking through them and fixing them. He's shown serious remorse for his actions and is doing a lot to win back her trust.Now for the questions:You ask how to "bring back all the good times". I'm sorry, but the nature of your relationship has changed. Relationships are constantly evolving, and when a traumatic event like this happens, it's almost impossible to go back to how things were. Instead of looking at the happy past, you need to build a happy future. While things will never be the same, you can improve upon what you have now by discussing the things that trouble you and making plans to correct them together.I don't think it's healthy to bury your feelings, either. Direct and healthy communication is vital to a successful relationship. The second you start hiding your feelings from him is the second that you stop being honest in the relationship. That being said, it also isn't healthy to attack him every time you feel insecure because of the past.Six years ago, my girlfriend of over a year cheated on me. I caught her, and ended up in a similar situation as you. We decided to work things out, but there would be moments where I would suddenly be hit with the pain of her cheating. At first I attacked her for it, but obviously that wasn't helping any. So we worked out an agreement that I wouldn't say anything at the time, but instead we'd talk about those moments in a serious, respectful way "when the time was right" (usually every Sunday night for us). It was much better this way: I was calmed down and we could approach it reasonably instead of emotionally.Unfortunately, there isn't an easy fix to getting over the pain of somebody cheating on you. However, if you two are truly committed to working things out and remain diligent in your efforts, eventually the negative feelings will go away and trust will return.Good luck!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 January 2013):
 HE cheated; and YOU are looking for ways to make up with him????????? Sounds like you have the data inverted....
What you do with a cheatin' man is dump him, and not look back....
Good luck..
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): He was the one who was wrong, not you! He cheated on you, so of course you're going to be hurt and angry. You have nothing to apologize for; he should be apologizing out the wazoo to you.
If you're having trouble forgiving him, move on. It may sound harsh, but that's the only way you're going to heal.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 January 2013):
 You fix it by leaving. This wasn't some one off drunken mistake, he was actively seeing someone long term. You can tell yourself you will trust him all you want, but you can't just consciously decide to and expect your brain to follow. You've given him a chance and have been unable to move on. And frankly, I don't think he really should be forgiven given that this was a long term thing with someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): I'm in the same situation and I've dragged it out for a year I've never been so hurt.
Like you I try to tell myself to shut up but it's extremely hard
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