A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's been over 3 years since my partner cheated on me and I can't move on from it. It sounds silly but I can be having a good time with him and it will crop up in my mindIt always comes back to that and I throw it in his face all the time. He didn't just cheat on me once though he did t a few times and I feel like I can't trust him at all because althought he says he changed after we had our son ( had our son before I knew about the cheating ) does that mean I wasn't enough for him before.Why would he suddenly change just because we have a child together?? Should I just end it I feel like I'm wasting my time now.
View related questions:
cheated on me, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Elle1309 +, writes (23 May 2014):
The fact he cheated more than once definitely comes across as 'once a cheater always a cheater'. If it happens more than once it is obviously not just a mistake. However, considering you now have a child it may not be a case of you weren't enough before, hopefully he has grown up and realised he needs to settle down. It is hard to judge knowing so little about him and his characteristics but ask yourself if you have a gut feeling that he could cheat again? Does he have opportunity to cheat or act suspicious at all? Trust takes time to build and he needs to make the effort to prove himself and make sure your mind is at rest regarding him having changed. If you love him keep trying however if it is just making you miserable it may be best for you and your child if you live apart and find someone new for the sake of your own happiness.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I do believe people can change (up to a point); I believe in Divine intervention (sometimes I call it a kick up the arse) and IF the birth of your child has happened to change him – so be it. Perhaps the birth has instilled some morals and family responsibility into him? Maybe he stands too loose a great deal if he repeats history?
But more importantly how is his behavior towards you changed in the 3+ years since he cheated? How have you tried changing after knowing what he had done in the past? Reminding him or yourself serves nobody, as it constantly torments you and he can never redeem himself of the past.
That is perhaps why we are meant to move on from this ultimate betrayal of trust between a Man and a Woman. For me I’d be wasting a lifetime, feeling insecure and living in constant doubt, waiting for the next betrayal... and he’d be forever sleeping with one eye open.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (23 May 2014):
My opinion is that a one time mistake can be just that. But if someone cheated multiple times then there's a problem.
Maybe they're insecure, selfish, lack judgement, a nymohomaniac, they're not attracted to you (unlikely), you don't have sex with them enough or in the way they like, etc.
So you have to get the truth about why it happened and fix the problem. If the problem isn't fixable then you're with the wrong person.
In this case it's possible that he realizes that if he cheats and you leave you'll take his kid with you. I personally can't imagine not seeing my kids every day.
...............................
A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (22 May 2014):
Hi,
Perhaps he has changed. However, you cant get rid of the cheating and I doubt you ever will. Sadly, this could be with you forever. The problem is that your mind will not forget it and will keep playing it out in the present. I still play out when an ex cheated on me in 1986. I'm not with her, I haven't seen her for over 25 years yet my mind goes there from time to time.
For you, if you stay with your partner, I doubt you will ever forget this episode. Can you live with this? Can you move on with it and keep putting it aside whenever it comes up? It can be mental torture. That's for you to answer.
Thanks.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): If your still like that after 3 years then I dont think you ever will let it lie, I was like that to when it happened to me, I just couldnt forget it. It was like he was secondhand goods to me, and whenever I looked at him or heard that girls name I would start arguing. I have now been split from my sons dad 7 years and if I was to see him again I would automatically think about what he did again. I just couldnt let it go or let him get away with that.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 May 2014):
 I can understand that you dont trust him. Its very hard to forget. I think when you love someone of course you can forgive, but forgetting?? Thats a whole different matter. The sad part is though that if a relationship doesn't have trust...it doesn't have a solid foundation and will eventually crumble. Have you considered going to counselling? Do think it would help? It could save your relationship if both of you will go and honestly try to mend things.
Its very possible he changed after having child together. Some people do take longer to grow up and mature, that is true. Perhaps having the child made him see what he had and he regretted everything.
I will tell you that my daughter's husband cheated on her. She tried and tried to get past it. I know she loved him, I know she forgave him but she told me that she would never trust him again. She just couldn't get over it.Just when everyone thought they were fine, he cheated again. After 13 years of marriage she finally called it quits. I guess somehow she felt it would happen again, and thats why she didn't trust him.
If you can't get past it, then its best to end it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): You will never forget. It will forever come up in your mind. It will likely fade somewhat, and come up less and less often, but it is now permanently a part of your relationship.Your choice is, for you both to realize you will not forget, you will be angry and hurt on occasions when you remember, and you BOTH have to deal with that each time it comes up. You will have to decide to live with that awful feeling - on occasions - amid the other good stuff (hopefully there is) in your relationship. You will decide the good stuff outweighs that awful angry/hurt feeling you will forever endure, sometimes. Your Partner will have to take his share of the responsibility, and love and re-assure you and accept these outbreaks you have.OR you can decide that you will go through the pain of a break up now, work through the pain for two or three years,and then spend the rest of your life NOT dealing with that pain anymore.I know someone who after years, eventually left because they just could not get over it. They could not stop thinking about it, they could not stop feeling angry and hurt and could not trust them again. Once they had gotten out and over the relationship (very painful times) they felt 'free' again, and it no longer hurt, because they no longer loved them in that way.I also know someone that has stayed, and 16 years on, it is still a part of their relationship, and it is talked about every so often, and the pain is still there sometimes, and an element of loss of trust is still there, but they are so happy together, and love each other immensely, are soul mates and are so pleased they decided to stay together.It is your choice. Very hard choice to make, but once you make a committed decision as to what to do, it may be somewhat easier too. what ever you decide has to be what is right for YOU, and whatever YOU decide, IS the right decision for YOU.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): I don't know, for me cheating is a deal breaker. Whether it was one time or a year ago, the damage is done. I've been cheated on a couple times and the moment I found out, I closed the door on that chapter and never looked back. If I find out someone cheats, I instantly lose my attraction and all my respect for that person. When I let you into my life on such an intimate level, one that I reserve for someone I consider special, not just anybody...when I can have my pick of men and above all others I choose you...you better show the utmost respect and appreciation for having the honor of sharing a pillow with me. A guy who cheats on you does not love you. I don't get how anyone can look past something that is in my opinion unforgivable. Why don't you grow a backbone, dump this guy and raise your kid on your own. I mean the dad should still be an integral part of your lives, doesn't mean you have to date him. You are better off on your own. I would rather eat shit than be around someone who cheats on me.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 May 2014):
 well perhaps he changed because he realized he did not want to lose you..
perhaps he matured after becoming a father.
the issue is EVEN if he did change, after 3 years you still do not trust him nor do you forgive him.
You can forgive but not forget.
If you can't manage to stop throwing old news in his face, and you can't manage to find a way to trust him then for him it's best if you leave him.
As to why he cheated.... it's not your fault no matter what he says or what you think... his bad behavior is on him.
...............................
A
female
reader, statec +, writes (22 May 2014):
Speaking as someone who's been cheated on before, I know exactly how you feel. I'd been with my partner for two years and found out he'd cheated on me with my best friend a few times. I was devastated and we broke up for a while. We ended up getting back together because I was still in love with him, and he said the affair had meant nothing. We were happy for a while (another year), but there, constantly in the back of my mind, was the cheating. I know he loved me, but in the end it wasn't that I couldn't forgive him-I could, and did-it was that I could no longer trust him. This was what killed the relationship in the end. We're still friends, and I wish him the best, but it was for my own good that it ended, no matter how horribly the break up hurt us both. I've healed since then, and know I made the right decision. I hope you can find peace no matter what you choose to do. He probably still loves you desperately, but if you can't trust him anymore there will be no healthy way forward in the relationship.
...............................
|
