A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedheart
writes:me and this guy have been dating on and off for like 5 years i should also probally state there is a huge age differance between us about eighteen years i am in my thirtys .i recently found a message where he is calling another women baby and his "sex toy" when confronted with it of course its not what i think and not h i ng physical has occured (i feel cheating is cheating wether physical or not)he admits he relizes how it must of hurt for me to read and that nothing he can do will erase that pain, and that i would not understand the foundation of the relationship he has with her as she is not an easy person to comunicate with and i just wouldn't understand. I love this man very much so i guess i just want some advice this is all the information i have been offered and i wanted to end it right off but then i love him . Reply to this Question
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female
reader, confusedheart +, writes (21 May 2008):
confusedheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your insight and advice i think i got what i need. I appreciate you all taking time to listen. Have a great day all!!:)
A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 I think you got it sewn up hun. You've spoken to her. He acknowledges you've been hurt and is trying to make amends. Its out in the open. Unless you have cause to think otherwise - and your insecurities can really play on you at these times so watch that one - I'd say you are pretty safe with this guy. Have fun. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): After five years of an up and down relationship your partner has returned to be with you. He did not decide to be with this woman, he decided to be with you. He says he respects your wishes and will try to be more formal when he talks to her.
He is older than you (between 14/19 years to be exact) He is a man and may not be aware of the sensitivity of your needs. He met this woman whilst you were seperated and talks to her in full view of you. It seems he has nothing to hide. You have befriended this woman. You have seen nothing suspicious. (you would have killed her if she tried) I see nothing to worry about in this situation.
You need more reassurance, you need to feel safe in your relationship. This is the real problem. Your trying to fight an enemy that does not exist. This woman seems to be a friend. But no matter, he loves you enough to abide by your decisions and follow any action that might make you happy.
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A
female
reader, confusedheart +, writes (21 May 2008):
confusedheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe is 49 she is a friend of his i moved away for a bit and this is someone he met during that time since he asked me to come back i do know her very well befriended her i guess that is why i feel like this was some huge secrete thing i didn't suspect anything like this
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (20 May 2008):
Oh how I wish Uncle Sneaker was MY partner. Its so good when everything is out in the open, we can all be free to have fun then because when it really is all out in the open you know you can trust your partner or they wouldn't be sharing it with you. You, however, don't have the luxury of this with your partner and it hurts like hell, I know cus I had it myself not too long ago. I have tried before to get my partner to be open about his dealings - which he sees as purely fantasy, not the real world at all - but which is much harder to take when you feel shut out of that world. If he had shared his fantasies with me then it would have made the whole thing acceptable, humourous even, but its the kind of shady, secret world a lot of people can't being themselves to share that makes the problem. so why don't they share? Its fear that you won't like it, its a buzz because you DONT know, and its even that they don't want tohurt you but need a turn on by someone else for whatever reason. I have to say I find it very helpful listening to the men on here giving their views about it all. They're the men for God's sakes. They understand whats going on far more than we do. The women all tend to throw their arms up in the air and say 'grab him by the balls' or words to that effect - cus thats how we feel. The men, however, see the insignificance of all this stuff, and sometimes we grow as people if we can love someone and accept thats how they are, but its not detrimental to us, just another side of them. I don't know hun. Its complicated. Emotions and feelings are complicated. YOU know the answer - and only YOU know the answer. Whats your gut telling you? We're all just observers, speaking from our own experiences, but its YOUR experience. Go do what your heart is telling you to do. The rest will follow. Whatever that is. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I would love to know how old your partner is because I feel it might have some bearing on this situation. Anyway...
You've been on and off for five years, this suggests that your relationship is unstable and has had problems in the past. Because of these factors, you must feel nervous and suspicious when you hear your partner calling somebody else affectionate names, even though he may see it as only a harmless joke.
You don't say who this woman is. She could be his ex, she could be his best friend, she could be a childhood sweetheart, she could be a friend he's known from school. If this is a long relationship, he may have got into a habit of calling her private names and telling her private jokes. To you this feels like cheating.
No matter. You don't like it and you have asked him to stop. You love him and have asked him not to do it again. He has asked you to forgive him. You don't want to end to relationship.
If you love this man and want to be with him, you will have to learn to forgive. If there is anything else in his behaviour that makes you feel you can't trust him, well that is another situation. This woman is obviously important in his life, and he is willing to give up her up for you. You would better of getting to know her (if you can) which would allow you to see that she is no threat to you.
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A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Dear Female anon:
I agree with you -- online cheating is cheating. It's really nice that Uncle Sneaker has such an open relationship with his spouse; it's something to aspire to. But without that kind of understanding up-front, it's cheating. It's not like your guy would have ever willingly told you about this gal or what she said, right?
I think it's time for this relationship to be permanently "off." If his being with someone else (even electronically) is cheating, then you've felt it should be more for a lot longer than he has, and so the two of you want different things.
You deserve to be the center of someone's attention; someone who won't flirt with another woman online. Or at least someone with whom you can joke about it. Good luck hon.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (20 May 2008):
 No, it probably isn't anything like you thought it might be. It's "heavy flirting" that many people, men and women, do online.
Two issues:
1. If you are in a serious relationship with him, you have EVERY right to tell him you don't like him talking with other women like that. You have EVERY right to demand that he stops because you find it offensive.
2. If you haven't ever told him not to do it, then don't even start to take it seriously. Just tell him. It's as simple as that. He won't be taking it seriously, I'm sure.
I don't expect everyone to be like my partner and I, but we both flirt online. We have absolute trust in each other (that's lasted more than 25 years and looks like lasting another 25 if we both survive that long!), and have no problem with online friendships. We know that without the slightest shadow of any doubt, that's all they are and all they will ever be.
A summary of a conversation in our house last night (some of the names have been changed to protect the guilty):
Me: Hey! Sue! Maggie says she's got a new vibrator!
Sue (my partner): I hope she hasn't got her webcam going.
Me: Of course not. Don't be silly. She's not using it right now!!
Sue: How do you know she's not using it right now? Tell her you can't cope with the woman you've got, let alone another one.
Me: OK...... she says 'what a pity'!
Sue: Tell her to behave herself.
Me: I think she was joking.
Sue: [pretending to be annoyed] Humph.
Me: Anyway, what do you mean I can't cope with the woman I've got?
Sue: Well? Can you?
Me: Sure.
Sue: Time for bed then.
Me: Oh...
[The rest of the evening is censored because of the underage visitors to this site]
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