A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago, but I don't think either one of us is really over it and I want him back...He dumped me because he said he couldn't do it (not sure what that means). Although, he comes from not such a great family background (parents have a very odd situation) and from day one he has told me how terrified he is of ending up that way. The truth is, he was my first REALLY serious boyfriend (even though we are both 26, we were together for almost 2 years, and we lived together for almost a year and had talked marriage). Needless to say, I made the stupid mistakes that most first timers seem to make - I let my world revolve around him too much, I became a bit possessive and paranoid that he would leave me (that's a separate trust issue of my own that I am working on), I even got caught snooping - well attempting to snoop. I know, not good. It was easy to fall into these traps, though, cause we moved to a new city together, so we both really only had each other outside of new jobs (which have taken some time to get settled into). When he broke up with me, he cried harder than I did! And, he's not the type to show his emotions. After the breakup, he had moved himself out but not any of his stuff. He kept finding reasons to come back to the apartment, too. FInally, I forced him to move his things out - not that I want him or his stuff gone, but if he is going to break up with me, he needs to actually do it. Well, I thought that might change things, but it really didn't. We still talk and see each other pretty consistently. We are still affectionate when we see each other - even pecks on the lips. For awhile we kept still saying "I love you" to each other, but since I've stopped he seems to have stopped. But, we both keep saying how we miss each other. I'm so confused. Part of me feels like he made a decision, but then regretted it. Mostly, I feel this way because of thimgs he said...a couple days after the breakup he said "I had to put my foot down. What does it say about me if I take my foot back?" (like give me another chance). He's also said that it's "too soon for us to get back together" that "he's just not ready" and he told me a story about his coworker who broke up with his wife twice before they got marreid...and when I asked him what he took away from that (if it pertained to him and I specifically or just that he learned that all relationships stuggle) he said he thought it pertained to him and I specifically...He's also become highly interested in where I am and what I'm doing. I even blocked him on IM - for my own sanity (cause it's tough to see him there and not want to talk to him). Anyway, he came right out and told me he saw that I blocked him. And, when I asked him how he knew that he said he went under his other screenname that he hasn't used in years just to see if I had...Also, a couple of weeks ago he came over and we were hanging out. We were lying down and he just buried his head in my chest. I sorta stroked his hair for awhile and after a bit he looked up at me and his eyes were super red and watery - as if he had been crying. I don't understand?!?! Can anyone shine any light on this situation??
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male
reader, D.ilabaca  +, writes (2 February 2011):
He does love you.. i don't agree with what a lot of people have said about him being insecure. he just doesn't feel as if he's moving forward with you by his side. to him as a man, the relationship has changed from what it was like to begin with. as i am sure you will agree that both of you where like birds.. flying in unison in the beginning. but once we start letting go a little, thats when we start to see the weakness that we all have. in order to feel what you both once had you need to separate to discipline yourself. to really appreciate and trust each other before you make the commitment to get married. he knows this and thats why he is putting his foot down so to speak. but is finding it hard to discipline himself because he loves you so much. thats why that night you where both together he closed in on you. because he misses you. the reason why he keeps checking on you, is because he is finding it difficult to deal and accept with his situation. he believes that he isn't using this time away from you to become stronger. that he's running out of time to be there as a man for you. if you love him so much.. then wait for him. if you cannot wait, then be strong for him by understanding what he's going through as a man. i not long ago chose to split up with my faience. after being with her for two and a half years. because of the same situation. know i am in that place. and have to be strong. and have faith in her to let me be that for her.
A
male
reader, Aussie20  +, writes (12 August 2009):
My ex is doing a similar thing. We broke up maybe 2 months ago, then got back together for awhile, then broke it off again. She says shes not in love with me anymore and not meant to be with me but says she still loves me intensely and worries about me. She also says she misses me and will miss me a lot but we have to do this for various reasons. She keeps coming up with different things. This all after we were having a couple of issues and then she just flipped. I had just asked her to marry me! This type of thing seems to happen a lot. We were SOOOOO in love and she feels she has to be really strong while around me and not give in to her feelings. She says she is finding it really hard but God is giving her strength to do what is right. At times we have kissed, hugged etc. We stayed best friends for awhile but that was just stupid, and my feelings got in the way. I'm gonna have to move on because it is just becoming ridiculous. It's all a battle of insecurity, lack of commitment and not a strong enough love, as well as confusion and life changing events. She also feels that she is enjoying her newfound freedom. I can understand that because I was slightly possessive in the relationship. I have come to the conclusion that it's not worth it and it's time to move on, even though so much of me feels it is worth it and doesn't want to move on. Can't keep living in a fairy land.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): i have the same problem to here is this guy i start dating and all of the sudden he stopped calling me and i am confused. so i just kept on calling and sending sms but never answer for my sms and calls. and i really want him back. what can i do pls help me. shall i stop calling or just keep calling till he replies me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): I had a boyfriend and he said that he had to break up with me caue i was changing and that he didnt like me anymore but i think he does. so i really love him but do u think that i should just go on?Theres more to the story...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): I feel the same confusing your going through with my own relationship. He tells me he needs space. He tells me it wasn't working out, he didnt want to be with me and he doesnt see himself marrying me so whats the point. I tried to accept it and then he's still here calling me everyday, seeing eachother but there's just some awkwardness and he wont say he wants me back. I hope it works out for you guys as well as if it does for me...Its just so much harder because they are still here...It makes me have anxiety...But I am just going to try and work on me while he works on himself and I know he'lll be back...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): thanks for all the advice to everyone. Question: tomorrow is his birthday, but I'm not so sure that I should reach out to him. I mean, after all, he did break up with me. And, I feel like sometimes you have to realize what you lost to want it back. Should I reach out or not?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): I ABSOLUTELY want to try one more time, but I'm not sure he'll give me the chance too. How do i get him to give me that opportunity???!!!
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 July 2007):
 I don't think this is a mindgame. From what you've told us, he seems very much in love but very insecure.
I don't think he doesn't love himself. He is in bad need of improving his self-esteem, though.
If I were you, I would try one more time. There's a lot to win.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): Question: So, some people that I tell all of these things to think he is just playing major mind games with me. I don't know why (I'm sure being in love with him is part of it), but I really don't think he is. I think he genuinely does still care about me, possibly is still in love with me and might actually still want us to end up together. But...what if all of this is a mind game???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2007): Thanks! I really hope we make it too. Despite whatever we are going through right now, the mistakes we've both made, etc., I do think we are a good match for one another! I always tried to pump up his self-esteem, and of course I am going to continue to show him how much I do value and love him, but I think ultimately he's going to have to overcome those insecurities on his own. I definitely think its' played a role in our problems, though - I mean how can you really love someone if you don't love yourself?!?! (as corny as it sounds)! I will keep you all posted. THANKS AGAIN!!!
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 July 2007):
You know, maybe the low self-esteem is killing him. You have done a lot, certainly, but perhaps the man needs more. If you continue (for a while) to show him you do love him very much, he might just get the confidence he needs.
I honestly wish you to make it with this guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2007): Thanks for the advice - and definitely keep it coming!!! What worries me is that he has also said during this process things like "I think I just want to move on" and "it just won't work out". But, I have a hard time believing those things because I feel like his actions and other things he says are far outweighing the negative thoughts. I mean we ran into each other one morning before work and ended up talking for like an hour! The next morning we ran into each other again and he bought me breakfast (granted nothing crazy, but I thought it was odd seeing as I had my cash out and ready to pay for my own coffee/bagel)...he also has said that he thinks me dating other people is good for me - how it will help me (although I'm not sure how). Part of me wonders if he feels he is not good enough for me - which he has sorta mentioned before. I mean, I love him already for everything he is and everything he's not. Doesn't bother me. But, he has wicked low self-esteem, hates the way he looks, is super worried about his finances because of all of his student loans debt, isn't super secure in his job, etc. So sometimes I wonder if he wants me to date other people so I know FOR SURE that I want to be with him and only him. I told him that it bothered me that everyone keeps telling me what to do - that he's not the only onet hat thinks maybe I should date other people, but that it really bothers me that I'm already confident in my decision to be with him and don't care what or who else is out there. I was like "honestly, what if I DO know? (that he's the one)" and his response was, "maybe you do know"...well then what's the problem?!?! Relationships are hard :( I just want to apologize for my mistakes, stop making them and start loving him and him loving me again (although I don't think either one of us stopped...). Any more insight?
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A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT +, writes (10 July 2007):
 Ah honey
Its obvious that you are both deeply in love with one another but he seems to scared to commit, I don't know why just give him his space let him work it out he will come back if he truely loves you I promise you taht..your doing the right thing babes keeping busy and letting him see you are able to carry on although its hard for you too...
This makes him want to pursue you more and more so enjoy it tahts what the mating game is all about the male chasing the female...
You need to show him your a strong loving woman and no matter what has happened with his parents you lives are so much different as love is a strong bond that can not be broke.....I know its confusing for you but hey hun, chin up enjoy life and mark my words if he loves you he will be right back, but for now keep busy go out and enjoy life with friends keep busy busy busy
Good luck sweet
Love
Donna xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 July 2007):
He loves you a hell of a lot but he feels the relationship will not work out. And he's torn between his feelings and his fears.
You seem to want him back, too. I would try talking to him. Telling him exactly that, that you want him back, and maybe asking if he wants to try again, this time avoiding all the mistakes of the past. Yours and his.
It takes a lot of love to cry for you the way he did, you know? He's obviously hurting. Try giving yourselves a break and a second chance. Make it wonderful this time, if you get it.
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