A
female
age
41-50,
*married
writes:I don't know if I should continue on. I left my husband a year ago- I don't want a divorce; but I don't want to be unhappy either. We both have children, creating a blended family. We have one child together. He won't work, cook, clean, etc....while I do everything (hense the reason I left) Since I have been gone, he was forced to cook, and clean; but still doesn't work. I love him very much- but cannot live in filth and shouldnt be the only one providing an income for a family of 6! He has a way of making it feel like it is my fault things are like this- but only because I won't move back in with him. Not sure what to do anymore!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): You knew he was fucked up when you had a child with him. you should be ashamed of your self. I dont blame him for not cleaning up after all your children. Thats woman's work.
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (12 November 2007):
 I would never say you are wrong hon. You have a right to feel what you do. It becomes hard to deal with life on it's own without the added stress of your husband's condition. He probably is in denial. That is a sad fact for alot of people with mental health conditions. I do pray that things will get better for you all. If you love him don't give up. Stay where you are for now and keep trying to get him to seek the necessary treatment. Other than that I don't really know what to say because until he will acknowledge his problem he will not comply.
Best wishes and prayer is all I can offer. Godspeed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): Not on SSI, just government assistance (because of his children) he would never take the time to "obtain" SSI.I have read, and read- even gone to counselers with him regarding his illness- and he chooses not to comply.I can understand not a perfect house; but I will not live in filth! When you walk in from a long day at work; you shouldn't have 20 different smells hitting you at once; and then cant identify! The children are his leverage; said I would have never done this if his kids were mine; well one of My kids is OUrs- and he is under 3. THen I have a 14 year old boy- with ADHD. It is messed up all the way around! I am just looking for suggestions- and to know that I am not wrong!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 November 2007):
 So he's on Social Security? Now keep in mind it's not your fault. Even if someone blames you, if you know it isn't, that shouldn't affect you. His behavior is his own. His not working is his choice, it has nothing to do with anything else.
I'd compromise, if you are interested in reconnecting at some point. You need to have some before considering requirements. He needs to seek treatment for his bi-polar. I'd just let him know that uncontrolled bi-polar is known for many relationship destructions. I'd just let him know that you don't deserve to have your relationship destroyed because he fails to take action with something that has that potential.
Remember none of this is your fault. His unwillingness is not your fault. I'd also tell him if he's going to be your partner, he needs to do so all the way. A partnership is not one person just sitting on their duff.
I'd also remind him of the children. You both have duties to the children. If he fails his duty, you still have a duty to your kids. It's OK to have a mixed family, but only if it's two people working together to accomplish on behalf of the children.
I'd say he definitely has some work to do, before considering anything further with him.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (9 November 2007):
You have to be he one to practice tough love. Let him know that you love him but that he has to seek help for his condition. From what you said I am gathering he is bi-polar and must be recieving SSI disability income.
First of all anytime someone has a medical conditon of this type it can cause a whole bunch of misunderstood problems. It could be that he doesn't adjust well enough to handle an outside job. Hence why he is probably recieving an SSI Disability check. Most of those type check range from low hundreds to the usuall max amount of $ 623 per month.
There is also a stipulation that in some states and counties you might be able to be helped by the Department of Family and Childen services. DFACS in order to maitain certain living standards. In some places you could qualify for Supportive Living which helps people with such disabliities to maintain.
Your husband may be in denial that anything is wrong with him. If he refuses to et help there isn't much you can do. I would suggest that if you want to go back to him to check and see if the DFACS have any other programs that you might qualify for. I have to say that it is hard to cope and deal with a loved one who has this condition especially if it is not under control.
He needs to have conseling and medcation support by trained Mental health professionals to help combat this illness. Some people believe you can just choose to not be devasted by this sometiimes *crippling disease but this is not always the case. Most of the time it is not. I used to work at a public Mental Health facility. You come across all types of illness' at varying degrees.
If you choose to stay with him and those vows did say *til death do we part* ..You have to be strong. Keeping a tidy house makes one feel better but do remember that spotless doesn't always mean everything is all good. You might opt for loving your husband and trying to understand that he might not be able to control what this condition does to him. Give him love and support. Learn everything about his condition that you can. I can assure that his not being able to keep things tidy and not having a steady job may not mean that he doesn't love you or want the best for his family. Sometimes this condition like many others can cause severe depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, anger, confusion along with severe mood swings and other problems.
Please learn about his condition and ask him to seek help. Make him know that you are there with love and support. Help him to get better and it could mean a whole world of difference for all of you.
By the way I raised two boys with ADHD, I was also with someone who had two girls with ADHD, My Mother had Altzheimers and so did my Stepfather whom I was helping in her caregiving. He was diagnosed less than 5 years after she passed away and lived with me for 2 years until he passed away. I know first hand about being bi_polar also because I was diagnosed as bipolar over 15 years ago and I live with it every day of my life.
When you know more about a disease, which this condition is you can learn more easily how to adapt to working with loved ones who have it. I pray that things will get better for you all and help your family be back together again soon.
If you want to ask anything about this in private please feel free to email me and I will help you the best I can. God bless you and look up to Him for strenght to do what is in His will and the for the best of your entire family. Godspeed.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 I agree with rcn, what is he doing for money? I would say until you see more positive changes in him, don't move back home. You will only be enabling him further. Also, keep in mind that if he does comply, and you move back home, just make sure he doesn't fall right back in the habit of relying on you to do everything for him. You were smart to take action! I admire that.
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A
female
reader, ymarried +, writes (9 November 2007):
ymarried is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe had a DJ'ing job one time a week, and was lucky to see $100 from one night.
The government pays him monthly now- but he has to comply with there rules to continue that-
He chooses not work because he says there isn't anything out there- and his transportation is an issue- he had a job that wanted to promote him; but he quit becuase of no ride (which I don't totally believe) He is bi-polar, and won't recieve treatment for that either.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 November 2007):
If he doesn't work, how is it he's supporting himself? And why is it he chooses not to work?
If you could answer those, It would be appreciated.
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