A
female
age
36-40,
*rage22
writes:brief backstory was seeing a guy, became a push and pull relationship, i got sick of it and ended it. went no contact for about 6 weeks until he called to check in on me, saw him in person after that and he shook my hand and wouldn't make eye contact. after that, i got promoted and he called and congratulated me and we talked as if we were good friends, everything seemed back to normal. had a work BBQ a few days after that and he went back to the weird behavior again, sharing my hand and not looking at me. i approached him about it this time and asked him why he wouldn't look at me while i was talking to him, he smiled and said he cant. i said what do you mean you cant, he said he's not over it. i tried to continue a platonic conversation with him abut football and other friendly things and although he would respond, he was very fidgety and playing with his phone and turning his back, etc. i grew very angry and just walked away. i am **** because i dont get his behavior especially since it flipped flopped so much in such a short time frame. over the phone he is normal, but in person he shares my and and avoids eye contact and stays away from me . what is his deal? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (29 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares
i understand. if i had to look at this honestly, i would have to admit that there isn't a way for this to work out. i do have to move on, in my mind i know that. i expected to hear the latter (him moving on) which i was prepared for but that isn't the case as he revealed. i guess its a relief being that i now know that his behavior that i interpreted as rude or not wanting anything to do with me, wasn't the case. i wild my best, to stay away. thank you
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 July 2016):
 OK, now let's take this one step further, Now what ? What happens ?
I mean, suppose that instead he actually weren't interested anymore and had moved on. Why would you have to be shocked ? You left him, OP. You said : game over.
When a person does that, they signal that they had enough and want to go on in life without that partner, and also accept and realize that the other person will do the same, they will go on in life on their own. Therefore, if they actually do ( lose interest ) that should either not concern you, since you don't want them back, or actually please you !, because you are not inflicting a pain that you cannot do anything about .
I have got the feeling that you dumped him not because you realize that " push and pull " brings to nothing, but sort of to teach him a lesson, or to make him eat crow....
Well, it is working....( if we have to take what he says at face value..... but let's say we do . ) You meant to have his guts for garters , ...and you do.
And now ?
If you realized that you are not compatible, you still need to move on. But move on for real. Whether he likes you, dislikes you, or something in between, should not be taken into consideration at all, and the least you go sniffing around each other, the better ! Avoid each other as much as you can, until you both will be over everything and ready for new, better relationships.
If you realized , instead, that by leaving him you have made a big mistake... and there IS a chance for this relationship to work, correcting something here and there... why the dilly-dallying, I wonder. You have got feelings for him, he's got feelings for you - just try again with the mutual agreement to work on what went wrong before.
You just have to make up your mind !
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (29 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares
you are right, we had another talk today and he admitted that he thought he was over it but the distance between us has made it worse. he says that i look even better than i did before and he doesn't trust himself around me. he asked me how i felt about it and said i should feel good about that. he then went on to say that he cant look at me or be around me because he isn't over me. i told him that i was shocked because i honestly was because his behavior to me showed that he wasn't interested and he said that isn't the case...
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 July 2016):
Ah , OP- again , that's you :). There are a lot of people who embrace the opposite school of thought to yours, i.e. if they aren't over someone, they try to stay clear of him / her. Either because it hurts being around someone you can't have , or because they really want to get over things and move on, and they know the best way to do that is to go no contact, or at least to limit contact to a civil bare minimum .
Actually, I think this second attitude makes more sense. If either one or both know that you are not a good match, and that you on't want the same things from a relationship, etc.- it's better to let the lingering attraction die down by NOT spending time together. Better to starve the attraction than to feed it- why should you be feeding it , once you know that with that person it's a path you don't want / can't follow anymore ?
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (28 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni spoke with him today and he said that he cant be around me... I'm just so done. i guess i will never understand. if i am not over someone, i would want tone around them not the opposite.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (28 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@aunt honesty
i understand and you are right, i dont want to go through this emotional turmoil
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 July 2016):
 Well it is messing with your head isn't it? Weather he means to or not, you are on a forum wondering what to do about it, how it is making you angry, how you want to be friends, but you still have feelings for him, off course it is messing with your head, why put yourself through this emotional turmoil?
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (27 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@aunt honesty
so now he is messing with my head?
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (27 July 2016):
I think you just need to ask him to stop calling you, don't re-add him on social media and then he will not be able to mess with your head anymore.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (27 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe also gave me a compliment telling me how i looked cute and that he was thinking of adding me back to social media. this was all over the phone then in person he acts like this, does this shed a little more light to my confusion and as to why i dont know what to think?
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (27 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@aunt honesty
thank you, i will try. i dont ever call him, all contact was and is initiated by him. he confuses the hell out of me which is part of the reason why i pulled the plug. you never know with him.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (27 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycaresi see what you are saying. the reason i take it so personal is because i feel like its ok for us to talk as long as its on his terms (when he calls or when he approaches me) but when i do it, I'm met with the actions mentioned above and the awkwardness in which i interpreted as disrespect. i took my que from him, he approached me twice at the even with a joke and so i didn't think anything to try and spark a friendly conversation. I didn't deserve that treatment from him but i guess you are right about him dealing with it in his own way. ill just back off
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (26 July 2016):
There really is not a huge amount that you can do about it, I can see where you are coming from, but ex's do not stay friends for a reason, at the minute it is new and he probably wants to try and remain friends with you but finds it hard to, he is probably trying his best. I honestly think the best thing for you both to do is give each other space, be polite and say hello to each other if needed but no phone calls or interaction outside of bumping in to each other. You both still have feelings for each other, so it is going to be awkward.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 July 2016):
Yes, but you are you , and he is another person. Not necessarily you and he will have the same reactions and behaviours in a given situation.
It's not such a bad idea, you know ? , to let him carry on your interactions at a pace and in a way that feels confortable for him. Avoiding eye contact, being fidgety, turning his back to you etc, are typical behaviours that betray embarassment and unease. If he was embarassed because you were the dumper and he the dumpee, and this still rankles,... or if he was embarassed for having treated you porly in the past... or if, au contraire, he's just embarassed because he was tryng to shake you off his back and you did not catch his drift,... or for any other reason, I have no idea. But , since he does betray discomfort and unease, why do you want to force him to a staring contest ? what are you standing to gain from that and from making him feel awkward ?
I suppose it's a good thing that he reached out to you, at least it means that there's no hostility, and that he feels you still can be friendLY . Maybe he is getting over whatever happened between you, and often it's a process, it takes some time- which does not mean that in the meantime one cannot say on the phone " contratulations " or " how are you " or " happy birthday ".
He is dealing with this in his own way and at his own pace, and honestly I don't quite see why you are taking this so personally.
I think the least you push him and confront him, the sooner the situation will be back to normal and non-awkward.
If he reaches out to help you out with something, and if you are OK with that, then great, let him. Otherwise - let him be, it's not as if your desks are in front of each other and you HAVE to talk and make contact daily.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (26 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@aunt honesty
so what do i do about it, do i just not talk to him to not make him feel awkward?
normally, when someone isn't over someone, they wouldn't reach out to them at all, but he does so i thought he was over it.
i still have feelings for him but its not hard for me to talk or look at him at all
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (25 July 2016):
to be honest I think it is quite normal behavior once a relationship has ended, it is probably awkward for him, he cannot look you in the eye because he is not over you. It is simple really, he does not have to look at you over the phone so he can talk better, he said he will help you move because he still cares about you, he is not being awkward around you on purpose.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (25 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie,
you are right, i am driving myself crazy trying to figure him out. I'm just going to forget it. id be lying if i said it didn't hurt though.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 July 2016):
 I agree that it shouldn't matte if you are dating or not, to look at someone face/eyes when talking.
You know how little kids when caught doing something they shouldn't, don't like to look the adult in the eyes? Maybe he avoiding eye-contact to avoid getting in "trouble" again.
It is impossible to say.
The thing is you can drive yourself nuts trying to "figure" him out. And that IS a waste of time. Specially if he wasn't a great partner and you don't want to date him again. You can CARE for someone and not want to date them.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (24 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie
i know that u dont know the exact answer, i just asked for advice. why do care? because unfortunately breaking up with someone does not erase feeling, thats why.
the man offered to help me move which means he would have to see me in person so his awkward behavior in person when i was talking to him in person caught me off guard, especially when he was making little jokes and teasing me every now and then at the event.
i did ask him about why he couldn't look at me and he said he just couldn't and that he wasn't over it. i dont understand what looking at someone has to do with not being over a relationship
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2016):
OP, Both Anutie Bim Bim and Auntie Cindy put it so well, WE CAN NOT (just like yourself) read his mind or glean his personality or behavior from the little you wrote. All we can do is give advice on what WE would do in a similar situation.
Who knows what he is acting this way? And why are you caring? He obviously isn't as INTO you as you'd like.
It might not be what you want to hear, if you want to know why he is acting the way he is, ask him... He may or may not tell you, he may or may not be able to actually articulate it, and he may or may not even be aware of what he is doing.
It's YOUR life, why give this guy this much head-space when you aren't dating and don't plan on dating him again because of his behavior? Live life, move on.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 July 2016):
My guess ( just a guess, because neither I nor the other Aunts can read this guy's mind and know his thoughts ) is that the difference between his friendly phone call as opposed to standoffish behaviour in person is because one thing is doing what is civil, polite, normal and expected from you in a work environment you, like for instance calling and exchanging a few minutes of pleasantries with a person who got promoted at work,and who you are still working with, and from also whom you parted ways in your personal life without animosity or scenes ; and all another restarting a close , emotionally connected relationship.
Meaning : he does not have a problem doing casual " friendship light ", i.e. the once in a while " how's everything " ,and at his own time of his own initiative- but he does not want anything closer or more personal than that, and he is signaling it through his body language and non verbal clues.
If then this happens because he is not over the breakup and misses you too sorely as partner/lover, or if he just does not see the point of doing platonic and
" staying friends " with an ex when the intimacy is over ( this too is a not unusual , in fact very common, school of thought ) that really I can't say , it could be either.
Anyway, why are you getting angry ? Why is it so important to you that he treats you nicely ? He did not treat you nicely enough when you were dating, ( " push and pull " ) and that's why you pulled the plug on him- and he should have become nicer and kinder and warmer now that you are broken up ?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 July 2016):
 You want a bunch of people who have never met either of you to tell you what his deal is?
How are you expecting us to know that?
You have two choices, either accept his behaviour and be polite in that you say hello when you see him and no more, or continue to get angry and demand he behave in a certain way.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (23 July 2016):
He said he is not over it. Which means there are mixed feelings involved. Some people are unable to make up their minds about situations. Either way, he is having difficulty adjusting and if you are his friend, you should be able to see that as well.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (23 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie
how can i accept it if he was just acting cordial and friendly a few days ago? no one is answering my questions.
im not asking advice on what to do, i am asking fir understanding of the situation.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2016):
Stop wasting your time on this dude?
He doesn't want to be your friend, accept it. He didn't work out as more either, so accept that too.
Be polite when you see him but don't waste your time trying to converse with him, talk to some of your other co-workers instead. Enjoy the get-togethers in the future and don't worry about him or entertaining him.
If he keep wanting to chat over text or what not, tell him to stop. To me that just seems like he doesn't want to date you but doesn't want you to move in either.
Unless you HAVE to talk work (on your personal phone) I'd just block his number.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (23 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@garbo,
he does not have autism
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (23 July 2016):
 Just to note, people with autism or Aspergers do not look people in the eye. Perhaps he has that condition and does not want to reveal it or may not know about it.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (23 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@janniepeg,
he was fine a few days ago on the phone and was able to have a normal conversation but then in person i get the hand shake, no eye contact and fidgety behavior, it doesn't make sense, thus my confusion.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (23 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat i don't get is the flip flop behavior, he called me and intimated a platonic conversation so i assumed we were on the same page but his flip flop in behavior makes it confusing.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (23 July 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@aunty bimbim,
what do you mean he is not interested in platonic talk, that is what we just had a few days ago, what would be th e difference between having one then and having one now?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 July 2016):
 Eyes are the window of the soul. When someone avoids eye contact, in your case it means he can't face you. He's embarrassed by his behavior and regretted playing games with you. He does not have the courtesy to say sorry, he wasted your time. He can't keep his head up and feels uncomfortable. Take that as a fact that he felt remorse.
I am not sure what you are getting out of keeping this friendship. He clearly isn't ready for friendship. You must have felt hurt by this but his avoidance is not about you not being worth friendship. It's about him not having much social grace. I would say you are not ready to be friends with him either because obviously you invested feelings. You were very frustrated with his push and pull behavior and he sees that. He feels bad that he made you upset but couldn't give you an answer as to why the push pull. I would interpret his body language as saying he's been a jerk, a time waster and he doesn't know what he wants in life. This is not something easy to own up to, and to admit face to face.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 July 2016):
He isn't interested in your platonic talk, if he wants to stay away from you then let him. An acknowledgment he is there, "hi Fred" is sufficient. You can't force a friendship if he isn't interested in one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2016): His deal is that he wants you back but knows he can't have you. So you lost his friendship too. What's not to get?
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