A
female
age
41-50,
*umble
writes:Alright. I've had a boyfriend for about 15 months now. He's fabulous; I love him and he says he loves me. He's even proven his love on a few occasions. But then other times, he makes me wonder. (the love aspect of a romantic relationship is extremely important to me, yeah.)Anyway, in the past, we've talked about raising a family together one day. I'm fairly certain he was the first to put this idea out in the open, and I love the idea. But, i'm 5.5 years his senior, and I'd be ready to start a family in about 2, maybe 3 years.Now today, after he told me that he'd blown some of his first earnings on luxuries (he just picked up some work after months without any), I gave him a heads up, saying that if/when we live together, he might be annoyed by my always trying to get him to save at least 1/4 of his monies. He counter-warned me that he's bound to do whatever he wants with his money.So then i got to thinking, "this might mean we'll never be able to afford to have a family," which was one of my life goals. He said we wouldn't for a lonnnnng time. A lonnnnnnnng time from now would put me in my mid-30s, and I'd reeeeally hate to wait that long to start on a family. I already feel as if i've fallen behind schedule on life. I keep trying to finish discussing this with him and coming to some sort of conclusion, since it's pretty important to me, but he keeps avoiding the topic and switching the subject. His carelessness on this topic brought me to tears today, but he doesn't know it.So now I don't know what to do or what to think, even. I know I still love him more than I've ever loved anybody. I know I would still like to start a family with him. I don't know how serious he is about me. I can say I asked him where he saw himself in 5 years, and his answer didn't involve me at all; rather, he said "working hard," was all he knew for sure. What I want to know is:Should I suck it up and just "go with the flow," never knowing if he truly wants to start a family with me (or at all)? Or how should I approach this topic with him, if he keeps avoiding it? A letter, an email?Does his evasive behavior (switching topics) mean he doesn't love me as much as he claims (or used to)?Could my forcing a discussion on this cause him so much fear/nervousness that he avoids me entirely, and doesn't want anything to do with me?Basically, how should I deal with confronting the topic of "the rest of our life," with someone who seems to be incredibly afraid of discussing it?Okay, bring the answers. Thanks.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, humble +, writes (26 July 2007):
humble is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your feedback, everybodies.
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (23 July 2007):
 When someone tells you who they are, believe him. I wanted children before I was 30, but I was in a long-term (since we were both 18) relationship with someone who said he wouldn't be ready until he was 35. For many years I thought he'd change his mind. He didn't. He had his children starting at 35. I, on the other hand, didn't have my first until I was 37, second at 39. This because I wasted the years during which I wanted to have children on someone who told me in the first place that this wasn't what he wanted.
If your BF says he isn't ready, and won't be for a long time, you need to decide whether having children is important to you. Are they more important than he is? And will you resent him if you stay with him and he doesn't change his mind? If the answer to these questions is YES, then you need to leave him.
I'm sorry for the harsh news, but it's really what this boils down to.
P.S. My sister asked me a question regarding that boyfriend of mine: "Would it bother you if your children turned out just like him?" Think about it... and good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 I'm at least eight years your senior, and I'm male, so I think I can say a few things about this.
You are so right about this being the moment for you to have a family. Many people will say that it's not necessarily so, that it's the woman's decision, and I agree; it is YOUR decision to have it now. You're in your prime years, and in my opinion, this is when you should start planning for a family. The timing is just right.
Let´s suppose you had your first kid in two years, and the second in three years; that is, your last son in five years. Let's suppose your kids stay with you for 18 years. 29 (your age, I guess) + 2 years + 3 years + 18 years = 52. You will still have plenty of life ahead of you for any new projects of yours. You will be able to support this kids for college, et cetera.
Suppose you had the children at 42. Add 23; that makes you 65. You're not that strong anymore. Obviously it's better to have your "job" finished at 52 than at 65.
After this, let's talk about him. He can't be older than 24. Maybe he thinks he's so young to settle; that he has long years ahead. In a way, he's right. But then, he doesn't want the same as you do. And he's not ready to become responsible for a family. I think it's pretty clear you're not in the same stage of life. This doesn't mean he isn't serious about loving you, but it does mean he wants the relationship to say where it is, for a long time. He still wants to live his wild years and you want a home.
I have not seen him, and I'm a bit biased because I hate avoiders, their mixed messages and the hell they make us live in. But, you know, I was involved with a woman who was 7 years my senior (I was 25), and I made all these calculations in reverse. I was desperate about marrying her because "we" were running out of time.
This can be unfair to him (like I said, I haven't even met him), but sometimes a man gets involved with a woman who is his senior because she is great to be with, not necessarily because he wants to settle with them.
His avoiding the subject is a way to say no and at the same time keep the relationship.
Of course time would make him change his mind. I wonder, though, how many years time he would need for this. At 24, many people don't want any children; at 29, many have changed their minds. At 40, you either give up or become desperate.
Maybe you can wait for some time, since you love him. And, like I said, maybe he loves you, too. Time would be your ally, to a certain point. But, I think the relationship has already taken a serious blow, and you'd need a lot of heart to get over it.
I don't think a letter or e-mail would be any good. He could still claim he didn't get them. He's an avoider, isn't he?
I don't see anything for you to do, other than seriously thinking what you want from this relationship and talking directly to him. Asking for direct, clear answers, with specific dates and expectations. You need to define how long you would wait for him to change his mind, and whether you'd rather live with or without him.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (22 July 2007):
 It sounds like you've taken the male role in preparing for your future together. If he doesn't share an interest, then chances are he doesn't have an interest. In this case, I think you will be forever trying to "pull him along". I think he needs to grow up a bit, I would say that won't happen with you and him together. I suggest you find a more mature man that shares the same interest an the same direction as you regarding family issues. You can't control him, only yourself. Decide what you want, and do it.
...............................
|
