| A
female
,
*inkfish
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. Whilst he behaves in a loving manner and is respectful and caring, he never tells me he loves me, in fact he tells me he doesn't. Should I accept this at face value and leave, or could it be self preservation on his part and I should be a little patient with him? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kylee86  +, writes (22 March 2011):
It sucks right? I've been with my partner for 10 months, feels like longer. He is 3 years younger than me, just turned 21. I fear for lack of experience he is completely unaware of what 'women' expect in relationships. I told him about 3 months ago that I loved him, and it took me forever to spit out because I had a gut feeling he wouldn't say it back, and would possibly break up with me from fear of what to do... his response was "is that it? why would i break up with you for that?" to which i grabbed me, hugged me, kissed my forehead, and said "i'm not saying that yet on the basis every girl i've said it to has ****ed me over"... I know he hasn't had many relationships, and he's NEVER had one this long. So to still know now, that other 'girls' have heard these words, and for all i do for him, and how i care he still won't come to the party, it hurts. I honestly believe this is because of the whole 'upper-hand' situation or 'wearing the pants' as he is always joking about it, using 'you would if you loved me' against me which breaks my heart... i don't know if he does or not, but i believe he's playing games either way, and it is pushing me away because i know feel like i'm having sex with someone i love, and want to MAKE LOVE with, but all i'm getting is ****ed.Be strong, you know in YOUR heart if he is worth waiting for, but i would assume giving him a scare, - letting him know how you feel and that if he can't feel that way for you, or continues to hold you at arms distance, have his cake and eat it to, then you aren't happy... it might just be enough to make him see what's in front of him... however it's not working for me :Hope it all works out!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): I thought of a third reason for why a guy might say he doesn't love you, when in fact that is bogus: it could be a test. I was with a very messed up person for a while, and he used to say things that indicated to me that he would push me away (emotionally, psychologically,) and see if I cared enough to stick around. This included telling me he didn't care about me around the 1 year mark, and telling me he didn't love me just under the 2 year mark..among other cruel comments here and there. He would then pull me close, saying, "come 'ere" give me a big hug and a kiss on the forehead and say, you see through me" or "you know me better than that." Or something. He once told me that he knows he's a jerk, but the people who know him best and understand him keep coming back or stick around because they know that deep down he's really not... "like you." So it's a combination of the test and the upper hand. They want to feel in control of the relationship while affirming that NO MATTER WHAT, you will still be there, loving them unconditonally. Ironically, it is usually the guy in this scenario (the one who refuses to say "I love you,") who is the one that's more in love, less in control, and more needy of the person and the relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): While almost every post said, "if he says he doesn't love you, he doesn't," ...I'm gonna go against the crowd...I'd venture to say, if anything, a guy will lie about loving you, and would probably rather be dragged through the streets by wild horses than have to tell a girl he's dating, "I DON'T love you." If he wants to continue seeing you (and you know whether or not he does,) then he would tell you he loves you to prevent you from walking out the door. Also, if a guy doesn't love you, he has no reason to be with you (in a relationship, not just hooking up.) NOTHING can keep a guy in a relationship a second longer than he wants to be. So why does he tell you he doesn't love you? Could be for self-preservation, but I doubt it...I bet he's playing a mind game with you. Some people feel the need to dominate the relationship. The fact that you love him and tell him that gives him power, or as Seinfeld characters would say, "upper hand." Stay with him...he loves you. If you were to leave him, I guarantee you he'd buckle..but don't play those kinds of games. Eventually, one night..maybe you'll be upset or maybe just talking...he will tell you he loves you. And you'll say, "since when?" and he'll say, "you actually believed me?" And he'll kiss your forehead. The end. *Warning* If there is a girl out there reading this who is in a friends with benefits or bootycall arrangement--DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT let yourself believe my above paragraph. This only applies to girls who are in a monogomous, exclusive relationship with a man--this can be characterized by living with him, seeing him every weekend you're both in town for at least 2 months straight, and most importantly--his referring to you as his girlfriend! If a guy who is referring to you as his girlfriend is claiming he doesn't love you, it's a mind game. If a guy who is having sex with you and not calling you his gf tells you he doesn't love you, that's because he doesn't.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): leave. when a person can tell you with a straight face that he does not love you he does not.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Gosh i thought i was the only one. I put up with it for 16 months on and off. It felt like love to me and we were very close but he had no problem telling me that he didnt love me.
First time was after about 5 months.
Yeah i thought this was his imagination so i stayed.
I tried to break up but he didnt want to lose me so i thought love would come but it never did. I know i deserve more but i do miss him but the bottom line is if he cant love you and tells you so then it is very unlikely this will change.
It's such a sad situation. I know so well. Sad to beout of it but was making me sad to be in it...so if you can get out or you will always feel disappointed and your confidence will drop.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): LEAVE, it only results in heart break. It's hard because you keep hoping he will realize that things are wonderful and that he wants to be with you, but, in my experience, you just keep falling and he keeps holding back and then when you finally realize that it never will be, it's just incredibly hard to get out. You deserve better. Don't let him break you heart. It's been enough time that he should know you and know if he loves you. He should be able to admit his feelings.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): I'm having the exact same problem. After a year I forced him to tell me how he felt about me and he said he doesn't love me. I felt like he had stabbed me through the heart but I needed to know. He is caring, sweet and acts like he loves me. This is difficult because previous boyfriends have declared love but treated me badly. I really don't want to split up as I love him and I am otherwise happy, but this keeps rearing its head and in the longer term I know I may have to make a painful decision about the future.
...............................
A
male
reader, Gods howl  +, writes (22 April 2010):
Me, I kinda disagree, his heart simply isn't there I bet. I have a hard time tellen my girl I love her in public situations. Doesn't mean I don't love her, but I guess I kinda ain't asken your question though. I say don't dump him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): If he says he doesn't love you, he doesn't love you. Not only that, he doesn't care if he loses you because he doesn't bother to lie about it. I was in a relationship and living with a guy for ten years before I brought up marriage, thinking that we were already married in our hearts and it was just a formality, and he said that he didn't want to because he had "problems with intimacy." He went to therapy to deal with this, and soon after that he started to be really distant and mean to me, and had affairs that he lied about. At one point he said he wanted to live alone, but then chickened out and changed his mind. Years later he told me that the therapist told him to "dump me," but he didn't say what he told her to make her say that. He broke up with me for awhile, staying away in another city, but then came back and didn't tell me we were back together and got mad when I asked a few months later, acting like it was obvious although he never touched me or said anything other than what you would say to a roommate. He doesn't want to have sex with me, but wants me to cook all his meals and take care of him and help him with his work, all of which I do daily. He said that his lack of interest in me was "normal," as if that's what happens in all long-term relationships. He only has sex with me if I pressure him, and that's rarely. I always thought that him not saying he loved me and not acting like it either didn't matter, it just meant he was withdrawn. But no, he didn't act like he was in love with me because he wasn't. He would only tell me he loved me if I confronted him directly about it. Now it's eighteen years later and I'm still with him. He is being really nice to me now and finally making an effort, but my heart is broken and I live in a constant state of anxiety. The lack of love over time has reduced me to frequent tears, and the tears only annoy him and are part of the reason he says he doesn't want to commit. I want to leave but it's very complicated and he gives me just enough so that I stay, but not enough to make me happy or feel stable. Get out now while you have the chance.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): I'm in the same situation, & even if he did say it now, it'd be too little too late.Time to move on I think.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Hey, I'm in the same situation myself... He said he doesn't love me and it's been and year... Wat did you do about it?? Did it work out for you guys?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): well sweet heart I know exactly what you are talking about and how you are feeling because I am having the same exact issue with my boyfriend. Although I sometimes feel I should go if the shoe were on the other foot I would want him to respect my wishes and give me a little bit more time to open up... So I decided to wait a while longer hopefully by the time we make 2 years together he would feel differently good luck with your man hope your loved very soon
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): if he doesnt love you u need to move on,keep your self busy.
...............................
A
female
reader, lovingshook +, writes (10 September 2009):
I am also in the same boat but there is one thing I've learned about men or at least this man in particular: Most of the time, they don't really know what the hell they want or are feeling. I doubt very seriously he doesn't love you. It's possible he doesn't love you the same or as deep as you love him (my case). Besides that, men change their minds every single day. And they say we're fickle. When a woman loves a guy, that's it. We're in it for the long-haul. Guys are not like that. They ping-pong back and forth daily. I know you want to hear some great answer, something to give you a glimmer of hope but no one has any magic words for you. You should read the book "The Five Things In Life You Can't Change.." It sucks to read if you're a hopless faith-haver like I am but it's still true.Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Hersong +, writes (2 July 2009):
I think it's very rare that two people both are head over heels in love with each other. Usually one person is on love and the other is not. It is sad but true. But if you know in your heart that he is the One or you feel that I'm in love sensation than that is a big thing not to be just tossed to the side as nothing. Even if he doesn't feel anything back. I rcommend reading the Ringing Cedars Series, it has nine books. It is very good because it tells of the one way for love to stay alive between two people and not die. Cause another thing that happens if when two people do find each other over time their love fades and that is why I think so many guys are so slow too commit cause their afraid that even if they do have feelings it will go away and than they will be trapped so keep looking for new lovers but that doesn't make them happy or provide any lasting feeling and they end up with someone for all the wrong reasons anyway. But if a woman loves her man, even when he is doubting and is open and gives him a space of love where things are growing and alive then love will only grow. Love and peace Sandra
...............................
A
female
reader, Hersong +, writes (2 July 2009):
I think if you care about him and you are in a relationship that you should continue to care about him, and also not expect him to have feelings for you but just tell him there's no pressure I love you and it's okay that you don't love me back cause you can't help how you feel. I hope you don't mind that I do things to show my feelings, cause it makes me happy to do nice things for you. And to make a plan to do things with him that are full of life like plant a garden cause feelings can change and his can grow in time as long as he is surrounded by living things and so can yours too. Take care and so not lose your heart and hope. With love, Sandra
...............................
A
female
reader, vazque22 +, writes (15 June 2009):
Hey girl. I am in a pretty similar situation except I think that there is a very important thing that is different. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and I have told him I loved him about four times. He didn't say it back he just hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead. The important difference is that he has never said that he doesn't love me, however, I like most women, assume that if he doesn't say it, he simply doesn't or isn't ready to commit with words to that. I was wondering under what circumstances he told you that he doesn't love you, because that is pretty strong and I doubt it was a very random and short comment. Also, I think that there is always an important level of what you think you can expect from someone. I believe that my boyfriend may someday love me, but that he is in fact one of those people that wants to take it slow and say it for real when he means it, unlike some men. In his previous relationship, his gf and him said I love you very early in the relationship. My sister told me that maybe he wants this time around to be different and to take his time. Also, We haven't had the most perfect relationship and we have had many problems earlier in the relationship. My ex was still in my life as my best friend and our fights were focused on that. I've thought that maybe he just doesn't trust me quite yet, or trust that I am stable enough in our relationship, and maybe he wants to feel safe and not artificially before saying something with such great significance. What do you think you can expect from him? What does your intuition tell you? And have you been very good with him? One more question...when he looks at you, do his eyes glow and does a smile take over unwillingly? I have that with my boyfriend and I guess it's what keeps me hoping. Lots of couples never have that, or lose it. I want to maintain that. Let me know what you think please :)
...............................
A
female
reader, TexasOasis +, writes (21 August 2008):
Sometimes you think that the time that you spent together must mean something. And, it does. It might just not mean the same thing to him.
I think you have to understand that there are some guys that will never fall in love or love someone in their lives. I know this kind of sounds outrageous, but it does happen. He may have a personality disorder, be depressed, or have some other type of chemical imbalance.
Just take time to take care of yourself. You deserve to be in a loving relationship. And, as a person you need that affection and acceptance that can only come from love.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): If he tells you he doesn't, well then.. he doesn't. After a year with my boyfriend he told me "I really like you." I never asked if he loved me because telling me he likes me gave me the answer. He treats me extremely well and is VERY caring WHEN we are together which is mostly on weekends. He includes me in any events with family and/or friends. However, he sometimes doesn't call me for two or three days at a time and when I asked him why he said he gets busy and since we're both working there isn't anything to talk about so there is no sense for him to call me every day. When he talks to his friends he has occasionally made statements in the middle of a cheerful, fun conversation, saying to someone, "that's why I love you so much." He has said that to friends probably 6 times in the past year. My take on the whole things is love is never going to happen so.... I'm leaving myself open for someone who WILL fall in love with me.
...............................
A
female
reader, pj24 +, writes (24 February 2008):
I'm in the same situation except it's been two years.And I thought the samething about just giving more time. I use to ask him why he didn't tell me he loved me and his reply "was that he wasn't sure he did" He cares alot, does all the right things but he just doesn't love me in that "in love kinda way" I think cause our2 yr is coming up I started asking him how he see the future and if his feelings had grown over the last year. He said he couldn't picture his life without me in it but he still doesn't have the head over heels in love feelings for me. I think after 2 yrs someone would know if they could ever love you. So this is your desicion, as well as mine, are you satisfied with the relationship you have today?? Does he make you happy without telling you he loves you? Are you going to want him to say it in the future?.Because like mine what if nothing changes after another year? I'm in the same situation I was last year. Nothing changed. If you want to be with someone who tells you they love you then you probably need to leave now. But be aware if you leave, be strong, let him know you love him but he just isn't giving you what you need in your life. And your needs are just as important as his. i had this conversation with my biyfriend just last week. I told him it's time to have some of my needs met.I was ready for amore "in love" relationship. So I told him its probably best we go our separte ways.. I didn't talk to him for two days, just two and when I did finally talk to him he ask to get together.I told him I needed space for awhile..That man texts me emails me and calls and asks to hang out all the time now..The trick to get the man to do what you want is to act like a man..Like you don't care. Let him know what it feels like to not have you in his life. that you are strong enough to go out and get what you want if he isn't meeting your needs. the fact that you stand up for yourself with confidence and self worth shows a man you deserve the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): I would ask why he is around. I would also ask myself if this is the relationship I want and if I love him enough to accept the situation. If not, I would have to let go and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, yi  +, writes (28 September 2007):
Hi Writer,
I know how you feel. I have the same situation with you. Well, the best way I think is to leave him and find someone who loves you or who deserves you to love. The guy I love said to me, oh, I liked you a lot but our relation couldn't develop girlfriend and boyfriend. To be honest, I don't know his exalt reasons. What I could do is to love myself first and don't get hurt from these things.
So please love yourself and make yourself happy. You are a nice woman and need someone who really loves you.
Good luck to you
...............................
A
female
reader, thashy  +, writes (21 August 2007):
Its so hard to give up on someone you love, i'm in the same situation but i agree with the rest, you sound like a great woman and you deserve better just take it one step at a time and walk away if he still says the same thing if it was meant to be believe me he will come back with those words you long to hear at this moment but only the opposite comes out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): I have to tell you that this type of person doesnt change. Once you decide to stay with him you will always be the one hurting because you cant figure out why he doeant love you. Honey there are plenty of good men looking for ladies like you and if a guy loves you he will tell you, at time to make sure that another guy doesnt snatch you. You know that you can do better so dont put yourself esteem at stake for this loser. Dump him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Pinkfish +, writes (23 November 2006):
Pinkfish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice guys. Martini, I think you're right - if I really needed people to tell me he was a loser (or he wasn't) then my feelings weren't strong enough. I don't want to leave, but then again I don't want to leave myself open to a whole world of pain (who does). I think this situation is making me insecure and it's affecting my behavior. I think I'm going to start acting more confident and less needy and that way he'll either see me as the positive confident woman he was attracted to in the first place, or I'll realise that I'm in the wrong relationship. Either way there will be a resolution and I won't end up feeling like the victim.
...............................
A
female
reader, marie78 +, writes (23 November 2006):
Given that it's been a year, he should be shouting it out to everyone that he loves you. Men know whether they love a woman within months, so for him to tell you that he doesn't love you and it's been a year since you've been in a relationship, I think you might want to consider moving on to a man who has the capability to love. As a woman, you should be adored and loved by the man you're with... I remember the first time my ex-bf didn't say, "I love you" back to me, after we had constantly exchanged those words on a daily basis. It hurt and I tried to stick things out. Don't allow yourself to be damaged by this guy. He could be waiting for another woman to come along and is using you in the meantime for a thrill. Respect yourself as a woman and sit him down and tell him how this makes you feel. If he still won't budge, then suck it up and move on. It will hurt, but it's better to hurt now then to go another 6 months or a year and have him dump you for someone he loves! Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): Are we not getting caught up confusing ourselves with semantics here?
Surely love is more than just saying it? You said he behaves lovingly, respects you and is caring. Are these not attributes to show that he does love you? Or must one actually say it for it to become love?
Irish poses a lot of important questions that you need to ask yourself, and him. Perhaps he meant that he is not *IN* love with you? There's a big (and all important) difference.
A year is a long time to spend with someone for them to say that they don't love you. Why don't you propose the idea that you guys should break up if he doesn't love you at this stage in the relationship, and see what his response would be.
I think really you have either misunderstood him, or he hasn't properly communicated everything to you. Right now, things just don't add up. Talk to him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): As far as I'm concerned, the one year mark in a relationship is 'do or die' time. At one year, most couples have something solid and loving established. There is a mutual love, in place. He sounds complicated and scared or just indifferent. I really think no matter how you try to assess this in your mind, you need to accept this at face value and just walk.
You can ask yourself these questions..but I feel you will still draw the same conclusion. Is there a lot of affection between you two? Has he ever been in love before? Does he even believe in love? Does he know how to recognize what a true, devoted love is for a woman? Some men have big problems with this. Could this be him? If so, again, I think he's far too complicated and you should still leave and let him have his 'space and mull over this awhile'. See if he'll miss you. If he doesn't miss you and doesn't contact you, there's your answer.
Or is it..he has loved others, but simply doesn't love you? If yes, to this question then I agree with Soulsistah. Don't waste any further time on this guy. I know how much you love this guy but you aren't getting any love back. I know he is displaying respect and caring toward you and that is the very least he should be doing. But I do think if after a year, if he can't tell you 'he loves you' then this is the time to be moving on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): I don't want to start arguments, but what makes him a loser? She just said that he behaves in a loving and caring manner, but doesn't love her. That can mean either A) the relationship chemistry hasn't been as explosive as some other relationships, thus he isn't quite in love with her yet, but getting there, or B) he likes her a lot, but isn't sure whether that can be translated to love, or C) he doesn't love her but considers her to be a great confidant in which he can adore, or D) etc.
Anyway, this is up to your personal judgment on his actions. A man doesn't necessarily have to say he loves you to love you. A man that says he loves you doesn't necessarily mean he really loves you.
With that said, what do your feelings and thoughts tell you? Do you want to stay or do you want to leave, or are you in the middle, +/- a few points either way? If you want a stranger to tell you that he is a loser and believe that person, or have a stranger to tell you that he is what I said he might be, and believe me, then that means you aren't strong in your love for him in the first place.
Love as my aniki had told me, "is a dynamic force that exists in a relationship between two people, because the love they experience in the initial phase may be unexplainable but they know it's there, but when they grow old, those feelings change and it's more because of their duty to each other" and as he continued, "i don't buy that "oh it's that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you see that person" kind of answer".
What do you think? ;]
...............................
A
female
reader, Lemonpixie +, writes (22 November 2006):
 You've already been a little patient with him...it's been a year... If for some reason he is guarding himself, it's not up to you to help him. He obviously needs to work on himself. I wouldn't waste any more of your time. If he hasn't broken down any barriers after a year, i am sure it will only be a long bout of heartache for you anyway. Find a guy that loves you and makes you happy... good luck hun
...............................
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (22 November 2006):
 Get out of there. You are wasting your time on a guy who, after all you've put into the relationship, cannot even tell you he loves you and, even worse, admits he doesn't! This is crazy!
You deserve so much better than this. Find someone who loves you so much, they can't stop themselves saying it all the time and who respects you enough not to waste your time simply for their own amusement.
Leave this loser and find someone more loving and caring and more of what you need. You don't need to stick around and listen to this, you only get one chance at life and wasting it on people like that is not the way to go. Don't waste another minute on him, people like this don't change.
Good luck and be strong, you know this is for the best.
...............................
|
