A
female
age
41-50,
*ountryaly76
writes:Some of you may know some of my relationship history with my past questions. I am still back together with my children's father. But still having issues. Nothing has helped and now the little things are starting to get on my nerves. Is it normal to have been married to someone and all of a sudden you can't remember any of the person's likes and dislikes. I know it's probably petty of me, but today, I asked him to bring me something sweet from the store, I don't eat a lot of sugar but had a craving and he was already at the store. He said yes. So when he got home I opened the bag and was disappointed, he had brought the kids their favorite candy bar, but for me it was one he knew I never ate, because it has peanuts and I'm allergic. He said he didn't know. It's been 14 years that he has know me. It's like that with other stuff to. I can't stand the smell of lavender and yet that's what he will buy. Sometimes I think he does this on purpose. I go out of my way to get him things he likes or needs. But he can't do the same for me. He acts like he doesn't know the first thing about me. Does it sound like he really doesn't care? I've put so much effort into this and I feel like a failure. I hate to put the kids through this again. Should I just give up for good this time? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (18 March 2014):
 For me, it’s not about peanuts and lavender; the fact is you say; “Nothing has helped and now the little things are starting to get on your nerves…” The later I understand as little things can grow into big infectious sores, be blight on any relationship. Resentment, bitterness, anger and petty squabbles…
After reading your Oct 2013 post; I wonder if the resentment of him coming back home uninvited is still lingering or playing a part in your mind? Do both of you remain sleeping in separate rooms etc. to date? I noticed then that you doubted it will work and put up a barrier not to get hurt… Has this wall been coming down or are you still building it higher, with higher expectations?
Seldom does anything work well if and when we hold fast onto past transgressions (e.g. trust issues) of the other in our mind. It’s doomed to fail from the outset!? All the effort is and will be in vain until we get the right focus… Ask yourself; what is it you want to achieve and in what time frame, is this doable, practical, what are the pros and consequences? Is there something there that you must address about yourself before expecting him who should know better than to bring you candy with peanuts?
Truly this is not about candy with peanuts, although it could be the straw that breaks the camels back… I believe if you don’t want to fail and put the kids through this again; both of you need to solidly work together too remove the inflammatory parts of your marriage… Remove the nuts and be left with chocolate either way :)
Take Care – CAA
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female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (18 March 2014):
 He is showing you that you are not important to him as a unique individual. He is an inconsiderate, self-centered jerk and you should leave and never look back. If I dated someone with a peanut allergy I would remember that from the first time he told me and would never dream of buying him a peanut filled candy bar. The lack of sensitivity there is astounding.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 March 2014):
You've chosen to stay with him despite the problems so that means you need to adapt, not him. He's insensitive or has memory problems. Who knows. But getting upset or having a discussion with him probably won't fix the problem.
At some point you'll have to decide if you want to keep making sacrifices to stay with him.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (17 March 2014):
 Like the others I have a really hard time believing he "forgot" you have a potentially life-threatening allergy and bought you a trigger food by mistake.
If he did do it on purpose, that's pretty immature of him. I'm sure he knew YOU knew better and weren't going to eat it, so it seems he must have been looking for some kind of behavioral or emotional reaction from you. Had the two of you been arguing about something prior to this incident?
I have not read your past posts - is he controlling? Manipulative in any other ways? Has he been trying to provoke you?
I would take a step back and try to look at your marriage objectively. Make a list, on paper or just a mental one, of the ways that the marriage is good for you and your children. Then list the ways it is hurtful or unpleasant for you and your children, and compare the two.
When the bad outweighs the good, it's time to leave.
Best wishes.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2014):
 My husband sometimes forget that I dislike certain things, BUT something like peanut allergy? That is a pretty hard one to forget.
It's not about YOU failing, it's about him not giving two fly farts put together. And if you get the sense that he does it on purpose I really would trust your gut, it wouldn't surprise me if he did. It's pretty PETTY to pretend not to remember that your spouse of 14 year is allergic to peanuts.
How is he with the kids?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 March 2014):
I think I have read a few of your posts before. To be honest, it does sound like he doesn't care. I think he does things on purpose to you because he enjoys mocking you. Perhaps the time has come to just end it and accept that this man isn't the one for you, as hard as it is.
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