A
female
age
41-50,
*otebook123
writes:I’m 32 and my boyfriend is 37. We’ve been together for 8 months, and he moved in with me about 2 months ago. I know it sounds like it happened fast, but it feels right and we’re definitely in love. Here’s the problem: sometimes he goes through my phone. I have nothing to hide, but it does make me feel uncomfortable. Mostly because I tend to be a private person about things like that. Last night, he was on my phone and opened my Facebook account and found some messages from a guy that I dated about ten years ago for a few months. When he first saw the messages he said “who is Rob” and I was taken back, and quickly said “I don’t know him”. So yes, I lied. Clearly the messages were there, and after about three minutes, I told him that it was a guy that I had dated for a few months many years ago. He was understandably upset that I lied, and I felt stupid and awful. He asked to read the message exchange and I let him. He read the exchange which there were about 8 messages back and forth. The messages were rather lengthy, mostly talking about our post-college lives, work, travel, etc. Nothing flirty, no exchange of phone numbers, no asking to meet up or anything like that. I think the part that made my boyfriend uncomfortable is that he commented that I look “cute” in my photos, in the messages I sent, I never mentioned my boyfriend to this guy and I initially told my BF that i didn't know the guy (which was beyond stupid on my part - I didn't want my BF to misconstrue anything) I completely understand that he would be hurt and upset that I did not mention my boyfriend to the guy, but at the same time, I’m not trying to hide my boyfriend from the guy. I post pics of us on my FB page, statuses about us, etc. so it’s clear that he’s a major part of my life. So now, my boyfriend is saying that he can’t trust me, that I lied to him, that I’m sneaky, etc. I understand where my BF is coming from, but at the same time, there’s nothing “juicy” in the exchange, and really nothing happened. I want to gain his trust back because we really do have a great relationship. I want to marry him, and that’s where he saw our relationship going, too. I made a mistake and I acknowledge that, but at the same time, I don’t think these non-flirty, catch up messages need to tarnish us. My BF is typically very reasonable and I don’t want to downplay his feelings, so I’m willing to do what I have to do in order to gain his trust. I just don’t know how to do that. He’s hurt so that is a big deal to me, but I don’t know how big of a deal this whole situation is from an outside perspective…
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): I wouldn't trust you either after this.You contemplate marriage ie. legal, financial, social commitment but you are uncomfortable with him knowing what you say and who you speak to? That does not make sense. In our house, there's open access to everything including phones. However, there' also trust so neither of us is compelled to check up on the other. In my opinion, a healthy relationship is one where you feel you have nothing to hide ergo you are ok with him going through your phone whenever he wants, with the proviso that he trusts you enough not to feel the need to exercise this *right.*Here's what I think you did wrong;1. Having guy friends that your bf does not know about. The guy is not a work colleague or someone you only see at your golf club. He is a personal friend of yours if he is sending you personal messages. How do you live together and a friend that you've been talking to does not come up in the conversation? That is just strange.2. You lied when asked who the said friend is? Why? You either feel guilty about your relationship with this friend or you feel like you don't trust your bf to have a good response to this friend. Either way; if you need to hide him, something is wrong.3. You did not mention your future husband in your lengthy exchanges. You did not mention your other half to a friend. Does that sound normal to you? By choosing not to mention him, you separated your friendship from your relationship in different boxes. As your bf, I would feel justified in asking myself why.If you feel your bf is a control friek then much of the advice you've received so far is useful. But if he doesn't stalk and monitor your movements and it's just about your phone then you have a lot of reflection to do.What is this man's position in your life and why do you hide things from him? People have affairs a lot even with someone who is aware of their current relationship. So to say oh he saw my statuses and my profile pictures is ridiculous.Your actions would make me doubt your compatibility with someone like me or your bf.
A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (18 March 2014):
 It is unreasonable for him to go through your phone. That is a violation of your privacy. I think he did you a favor by showing you he is controlling and does not trust you. Your reflex lie is on one level not a big deal, it is sort of a natural thing, and the issue here isn't your reflex white lie, it is that you were even asked in the first place. He should NEVER have been browsing your phone and NEVER should have opened your Facebook and NEVER should have read your private messages. Please get out before it gets worse. He is finding reasons to degrade and control you. Red flag for an abuser.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 March 2014):
 What would be the big deal to me is the fact that he took it upon himself to go through your fb messages without your consent. Of course you said something awkward - you were completely caught off guard! Rightfully so! Granted, it is weird you blurted out a lie rather than telling him to get the hell off of your personal fb account. But nonetheless, I still maintain he's the guilty party in this.
You're talking about him now being hurt and having trust issues, but what about you? He also broke your trust by going through your personal belongings without permission. That, to me, is a deal-breaker. If someone violates my trust and sense of privacy to that degree, that they go through my phone, emails, etc., than I will dump their ass. Plain and simple. This is a prime example of why you don't go through someone's personal property - because you're looking for trouble. And when you're looking, you always find it. He found his trouble. And it was instigated by his own actions. He clearly was already telling you when he went through your messages, asking who rob was, that he already didn't trust you and had trust issues with you to begin with. No body who doesn't have trust issues feels the need to go through someone else's property to see what they can find.
Anyway, this is a deal-breaker for me. I guess it's not for you. However, I wouldn't feel as terrible about it as you're feeling. It's pretty obvious that he put you on the spot and you were really thrown off guard. And it's pretty obvious that you wouldn't have done that under normal circumstances. For him to now be mad or upset, personally, I say let him be. He went looking for trouble and he found it. don't beat yourself up. You're only human and you didn't do anything wrong. I guess you were supposed to have been prepared for that question?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): If I had found messages and asked my partner who this guy 'Rob' was , and she replied' I don't know' and then later on after reading the messages after it was clear they knew eachother and found out they had even dated, I'd be very upset too. Honesty to me is a matter of respect, and I'd feel very disrespected and hurt. Also if you exchanged lenghty messages with eachother I'd also feel even more hurt because you didn't mention me in them. So no, I don't think he's just playing the victim like everyone is saying. You are to blame in this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2014):
 I agree with Xearo
There is something iffy about this relationship. I think YOU are letting him "play" victim and taking the whole blame here.
When 1. HE goes through your phone like it is his RIGHT.
2. YOU feel a need to lie.
3. Then you feel bad and tell him everything and apologizes til the sun comes up.
4. He gets upset because you didn't tell a "blast from the past" about your BF? Why should you? If you were talking work and travel there is not a HUGE need to go into gooey details about your BF, unless you feel the conversations is going about relationships too.
Honestly, my guess is he's got cold feet and is looking for an OUT (of the relationship).
Nothing you DID were so DEAL BREAKING behavior that he has a "right" to feel so butthurt.
And him going through your FB and your phone? Do you go through his? If so, why is there no sense of privacy?
That fact that you feel so BAD for what you did makes me VERY MUCH agree with Auntie iAmHereToHelpYou - you come off a little too desperate to be in a relationship if you allow this to escalate to some serious drama.
YOU need to figure out why OF ALL things YOU decided to lie about something that was absolutely INNOCENT.
Then you NEED to figure out why you let him play this "victim" role over something that is almost petty to be fighting over.
The fact that you two have ONLY been together for 8 months, makes me thing that YEA you did move in too soon, you are NOW seeing some of his personality you didn't know about before - like he is a jealous guy who likes to manipulate you into thinking he has a right to know EVERYTHING about you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 March 2014):
 Whose idea was it to move in after 6 months of dating?
I see some serious red flags here, and I'm guessing his intrusion into your private life and the fact that you're more focused on the crime of lying to him than the crime of his betraying your trust by invading your privacy at will is showing me that he has a controlling and obsessive nature.
How is he getting into your Facebook, rifling through your private messages from months ago, breaking into your phone, looking through all of your texts whenever he feels like it??
He has no right to any of this. Lock your phone, change your passwords on your computer and Facebook. If he throws up a stink about trust, give it right back to him. Being someone's partner doesn't automaticly entitle someone to free right to go through personal things. A smart phone, for example, often contains personal information like credit card and bank info, personal identification, and personal correspondence. NONE of that should be made available to anyone. Being married is a different issue, in that all property is community, but even then, trust is extended and space is given.
You are in a very dangerous situation now. You hardly know the guy. He's keeping tabs on you reaching back from before you were even dating.
Your boyfriend is NOT reasonable. It is not reasonable to take your phone, crack into your private accounts, question you on what he sees in your private accounts, demand to make you let him read everything, and then make YOU feel stupid. HE has betrayed your trust.
I would break up with anyone who broke into my things without my permission. I don't care if he was cheated on by every women he ever dated. I absolutely will not pay for his poor dating choices in the past, and there's no way I'd tolerate it. My phone is always locked. Now, having said that, I have nothing worth looking at, and if my husband (read: HUSBAND) wanted to look, he knows my password. But he didn't know before we married and started filing joint tax returns.
I agree that people shouldn't lie in relationships. You shouldn't have lied. What you should have said is "How dare you go through my messages". He blew *your* trust, not the other way around.
These type of things only get worse. He'll use your initial denial as an excuse to take more and more privacy, and then he'll question your friends, your being out, everything. Trust issues don't get better unless you take a stand at the first sign.
You moved in way too soon. I would suggest correcting that as soon as possible.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 March 2014):
 Xearo said it right.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 March 2014):
Moving in when it is way too soon -
Denial about bf moving in too fast -
Trust issues from bf -
Jealousy from a guy 10 yrs ago who was not even your ex-
I might be on edge today or maybe something about this question does not seem right. I don't think this has been a healthy start to a relationship and moving in so soon was a huge mistake. It is a mistake because he clearly does not trust you at all, and he is jealous of an old friend which is not something to be jealous for. This is not behaviour I expect from adults and it is quite distasteful.
Good luck in trying to win your trust from someone, who never trusted you in the first place.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): Imagine if it were the other way round ;).
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