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female
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anonymous
writes:I am not happy in my relationship with my bf. He abuses me slightly, like its not that bad, but it does upset me. But the thing is, there is times when I am really happy in the relationship too, and I dont want to let go of those.Within the last week, I have made several attempts to break up with him, after he has treated me badly. However, when I tell him that I cant be in the relationship anymore because of all of this, he starts being nicer, and saying how much he cares for me. and that is what draws me back to him. However, as soon as I say I forgive him and i am going to stay, he goes back to his usual self and starts doing all those things again.I feel lost as what to do. If i go through with breaking up with him and stick to it, he will be realy nice, and then i will think ive made the wrong decision and always wonder 'what if i stayed', and that will haunt me forever.please help me! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (15 March 2009):
 I had a boyfriend who physically abused me and would damage my car in a temper (for one example!). It was the worst 9 months of my life yet I kept going back. I'm strong and secure & in no way a clingy or needy girl, yet I couldn't help myself. I've never ever ever been in an abusive relationship before and used to scorn girls who were in my very same situation. I thought I had some control in the relationship but to be honest I was the puppet and he pulled the strings. I ended it a good 8 months ago and can't believe the change in my life and me. I won't write it all here but if you do need to talk, message me. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): hi just caught something on comic relief (big charity event in the uk) it was miss GB - danielle lloyd taking about her abuse. Her boy friend started controlling her - not seeing family etc. then eventually he fractured her jaw and suffocated her until she was unconicous - he begged and pleased he would change....
looking at wiki on her: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danielle_Lloyd
Just as she was beginning her modelling career, Lloyd was brutally attacked by her boyfriend of the time. She was dragged from her moving car after an argument with him, suffering terrible abrasions and severe bruising to her body and losing most of her hair. Lloyd later said of the attack:
Deep down you can’t forget what’s happened no matter how much counseling you have. You blame yourself and tell yourself you deserve it – I was given help when I most needed it and I want to be able to help others now. Too many women (1 in 4) suffer domestic violence at some time and support centres such as Women’s Aid aren’t able to answer all of the calls due to being under resourced. I'll always do all that I can to help raise awareness and help people. Being in a violent relationship, you are constantly living in fear – and that’s no way for anyone to live their life."[5]
you arent alone - think. Leave before it gets worse.
Star.x.
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (8 March 2009):
 I believe FroggieGMan, and the rest of the aunts here. Male aunts :-) This is really interesting, the male aunts outnumbered the female and they all agree that your b/f is indeed an abuser.
Let me ask you this: if you love someone, would you make them feel so low, so worthless as your existence has no meaning in this world without you? Yes? then you are an abuser. You want to always be in control of your being, because he is insecure of his own.
Or would you want him to feel strong, confident, protect and support you, be happy when you are happy and be sad to see you sad and wants to do everything to make you smile again, and to make the pain go away when you are hurting, to be proud of him when he achieves something good? Yes? if yes, then that is love and respect that you want to have and to give, not abuse and disrespect.
Here are just a few links for you to understand your situation:
Abusive Behavior Checklist
http://www.cdh.org/ClinicalServices.aspx?id=9298
12 Signs of Abusers
http://au.geocities.com/tigrispoet/12signs.htm
28 Signs of Abusers
http://organizations.rockbridge.net/projecthorizon/signsofabuser.htm
Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm
There are plenty more, but the above should keep you busy for a while. But most importantly, to empower yourself to be a stronger person who loves and respects your being. You do have meaning in this life. Don't let him bring you down again.
Contact these people/organizations to help you to recover and to heal. You need to hear from other victims, and you need their support on how to heal yourself.
Partnerships Against Domestic Violence (Australia)
http://www.padv.org/
Domestic Violence Resource Center, Victoria
http://www.dvirc.org.au/
Be stong, be safe. Respect yourself. Leave him or anyone who disrespect you and make you feel worthless. He is not your responsibility to "get better". Be thankful that you are no longer associated with him. Ever.
Cat
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male
reader, FroggieGman  +, writes (8 March 2009):
He is the poster boy for a an Abuser. Get far away from him He will never change. The verbal and emotional abuse will only get worse and eventually, he will turn to physical abuse. While in the Navy I was part of the the Family Advocacy board and saw this behavior repeated over and over again, women being abused, the guy saying he was very sorry and would never do it agin only to repeat the cycle. You need to break the cycle and get far away from him.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): you are better than that - he gets off on putting you down. So this would be my play now.
Txt him - say we need to talk, i will call you at x time and i want to talk about us. If this is a problem for you, let me know.
He will either say um ok whats it about or he will ignore it. OR the better thing would be to call you and say whats up.
If he ignores call him at the aloted time. If he ignores that... well you have your answer.
Hugs, Star.x.
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male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (8 March 2009):
 And I still stand by my previous answer, just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean he isn't abusing you, Delete him from facebook, msn and all your other social network sites, change the locks and your phone number and enjoy your new life with out this looser!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses.
By abuse, I mean, he disrespects me, always places blame on me for things that go wrong in our relationship, he never accepts responsibility, is what i would consider, inappropiate with other girls, plays power and control games etc...ive also caught him lieing on several occasions.
The thing is though, without him, i feel like i have no meaning, like im worthless. i feel like i am not good enough if i dont have him. but with him, i feel the same and the opposite, sometimes i feel good about myself, sometimes not- depends on how hes treating me at the time.
I was having a normal conversation with him on msn before, and i asked him if i could call him because i wanted to talk properly. i think he must of sensed i was going to break up with him (again) because he didnt reply...time went by...no response, he just dissappeared right during a conversation. i asked him where he was...no reply. eventually he replied 3 hours later and said 'awww im so sorry baby!!! but i have to go, miss you and love you'. so i didnt get to do it...
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 March 2009):
 Come back in twenty years, when you spend most of you adult life this way, constantly wondering how bad it is going to be this time. How long he will remember his promise to be nice.
Come back in twenty years when your daughters are dating the same kind of man who treats them bad, makes them feel worthless, because that is what they learned from their parents behavior.
Come back in twenty years when your sons are treating their own women this way, because they never learned any better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): where are you two going exactly? sounds like you will spend your life being abused by this person. Don't. You are at least 1000x better than that.
So you can try and change him (i wouldn't - don't let people be reckless with your heart - its the only one you have). However, if you want to try, then try once and once only.
Tell him whilst you may have forgiven him - you won't forget his abuse. Saying sorry and then doing it again is not sorry, just an excuse (- its much the same thing as using the morning after pill as a form of contraception). Tell him Don't do it again - last warning.
Hugs Star.x.
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male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (8 March 2009):
WOW an abuser saying he loves you and will never do it again when you threaten to leave him... Then going back to his old ways. That's unheard of! Oh in fact no, no it's not, is it!
Who is in control here? He is, you let him off when he comes grovelling, to you, and then goes back to his old ways.
How many times do you hear this story?
I'm sure you think that some times you deserve it - YOU DON'T
He's a nice guy really - NO HE'S NOT
I'm sure he'll change - NO HE WON'T, you have let him off in the past, he knows he can get away with it.
I know you haven't said what kind of abuse, but if it has made you leave him in the past, and he has upset or hurt you since, it's time to walk away. Abusers don't stop! I have been to murders and suicides that have been caused by various sorts of abuse, not to mention some of the assaults I have seen!
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (8 March 2009):
It sounds like he forgets his "promises" very quickly, once he gets what he wants. And you somewhat reinforced that habit. But, that is rather unfair of me to say that since I don't know what you meant by what you consider as "slightly" when he abused you.
To some, hurtful words hurled at them "means nothing", to me, for instance, that would already constitute "abuse", particularly if it is done repeatedly and it makes me feel low as if I was the one on the wrong and I was the causing him to hurl those words to me.
To some, hitting them accross the face, or throwing objects at them (intentionally missing them, or with the actual intention of harming) is nothing, again because they feel they were in the wrong. To me, I would say that is a serious offense and violent act already.
So, if you can elaborate a bit, maybe some of the aunts here can give you more meaningful comments and suggestions.
Cat
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