A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me. I'm desperate.I am so in love with my bf, I mean I have never been in love like I am now, but things have happened, I should leave him. Things have turned so nasty between us, but I am so in love, I can't actually tell the difference between right or wrong. I should leave him, I do deserve better. He spits at me, he swears at me, he makes me feel terrible. He laughs when I cry, he calls me a psycho. But when we have good times, its unbelievable, he makes me feel so special when we get on well. He is my best mate. How can I feel so high, and yet so low. I think he is the one. I love him so much, I am prepared to feel unhappy for the rest of my life to be be with him. Am I normal? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
You are being pysically and mentally abused, My ex husband did this to me for yrs he would treat me with violence anger I was rapped humiliated and a complete mess, He then used to become so nice it was unbelivable untill I had started to trust he was changing then out of the blue I would get a punch and it would start all over again untill he tryed to kill me, Ive had to get more that 6 injunctions to stop him coming near me and change my name and our daughters by deedpoll, Hunny get out get help and stay away from this controlling man he will never change, If you need to talk message me TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): I don't think I can say anything that hasn't been said. You are being abused emotionally which means physical abuse isn't far off. If/when you break up with him it's important to be strong. He will say that he will change. That is a LIE. He says he will, he may even believe it when he says it. But he WILL NOT. It normally takes years of therapy for an abusive partner to change & thats only if their willing to admit they need to change. If you truly love him go ahead & give him every chance but its better to get out now before he does something really bad.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (31 January 2008):
 "I am prepared to feel unhappy for the rest of my life to be be with him"
I think you've got self esteem issues and no wonder considering the behaviour of your bf. Why don't YOU want to be happy? Don't you think you DESERVE to be happy? I bet you make excuses for him and walk round on egg shells all the time in case he gets angry about something. Of course I'm only guessing but if that is the case this is no way to live.
Sounds to me like he has issues and if you want to try and make things work I'd suggest you both go to couples counselling together.
Personally, if I were you I'd leave. I was in an emotionally abusive realtionship and am so glad I left. Even sought counselling once a week for 2 months which helped a great deal and can't reccommend it enough for people in your situation.
Best of luck :)
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 OK, I feel a bit out numbered. I'm the only male so far that has given two cents on this one. You do understand the difference from right and wrong. If you didn't you wouldn't have come on here with this question. I'm going to tell you, you are not in a loving relationship. This guy you're with loves the feeling of being in control. To sit there and laught when you cry. Come on, what sort of wannabe are you dating.
You are extremely confused. You need to get out of there. You deserve much better than what he's giving you. From a guys point of view, you're dating a piece of crap of a man. I don't think calling him a man would be appropriate. A real man doesn't treat someone he claims to love like this guy is treating you. I will say that working with behaviors as long as I have, I don't know exactely how many women I have talked to that have been in your situation, but some who've decided to stay, we won't hear their stories because they're dead. This sort of behavior, once he feels as if he's beginning to loose the control, he'll raise the stakes. If you stay and just take it as his need for control keeps growing, you may end up like one of these other girls.
Get out of there and be safe.
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female
reader, Artistry +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Hi, It is very important that we love and respect ourselves, you have to try to be your own best friend.
If you stay with this person, you will most certainly lose your sense of self-esteem. This very dangerous, as you will begin to think you deserve this abusive treatment. He may have been in a disfunctional home, here this kind of thing went on, or he has problems respecting women. Whatever the case, you should not stay in a relationship where you are not cared for and respected. Seek counseling if you cannot break away. This treatment by him, will also cause you to be depressed.
Find a good therapist, to help you to find the strength
to move on. Good luck to you always.
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A
female
reader, Miss Stella  +, writes (31 January 2008):
I was there for 22 years. Break it off now!! I thought I was in love too and couldnt live with out him, but it is what he wants you to believe.I was told that i was fat, stupid, couldnt even get a job, worthless, but i was good enough to cater to his every wim.Break it off, and get your self on track. Find out who you are and what you like and want. Not him..Re invent yourself and you will atract some good people.I was more afraid to leave than stay, and when you get there...its over.Get out now girlGood luckBe strong
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (30 January 2008):
 I agree with all the aunts he is nothing but a disgusting lowlife, who needs to be taken down a peg or two.
What gets me is that he calls you a psycho, and yet he spits at you and makes you feel a miilimetre big. He should take a good look at himself and see what he is reducing you to, he is making you feel inferior to his so called superiority. Tell me one thing, what does this creep do to you to make you fell good about yourself? Does he compliment you saying you are beautiful?
It seems he does absolutely zilch for you, but to make you fell like utter crap. You are so much worth than that, believe me. So ditch this vile creature and find someone who really knows the meaning of love.
Please drop me a line, as I feel that you need very urgent help. Dusky xxx.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (30 January 2008):
 oh my god!! this man spits at you, laughs at you, and makes you feel like you are doing something wrong??? honey, this man is as good as hitting you...possibly worse. loving him is your excuse to justify staying with him. you do realise that this is not a loving relationship? you need to get out...now, no talking, no ultimatims, nothing. it sounds to me like he has some deep issues, and you are being drawn into them. weighing out the good and bad times is not reason enough to stay - what about all those other men out there, who offer only good times? there is someone out there, who you are going to love more, because he will love and respect you. there are many things essential to a relationship, including respect, understanding, friendship and trust. none of these are here. please leave him now, staying and making up more excuses are just going to lead to more pain and tears. and your tears are not worth it. email me if you wanna talk hun, be happy xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): You have adapted to this abuse and you now 'accept it' - I put this carefully because it is only on the surface. Deep down you know it is terribly wrong. Hold onto that because this will see you through. You KNOW the difference between right and wrong - look around you. I am writing this at the same point in my life as you. However I have been married to this type of man for 14 years. I am nervous driving if he is a passenger - waiting for his criticism and undermining. When I cook he tells me I've done it wrong. I dry towels in the wrong way. He thinks I'm a psycho. He tells me I am nothing without him and cannot cope on my own. Please understand the cycle you are in (we are in). Because I cannot be physically loving to this man I get more bullying and abuse - now I am told I am horrible and unattractive. I, like you, have days when I wish he would be nice to me but it never lasts - these days of 'hope' quickly get replaced but in some poisonous way they keep us just about interested enough in between times. In the end you will end up receiving physical abuse as I have. You have made the first step in admitting / confronting / accepting the situation and seeing it with your eyes open. Use this as a springboard for change. I have lost a great deal of friends and confidence along the way. Lets make 2008 a year to break free. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): I have been in a relationship with similar circumstances. I am out of it now 3 years but it lasted 7 years. In the beginning it was great, we were so in love, he was quite shy and insecure when we met and he said that i gave him great strength to be more outgoing. Funny thing was, after a period of time i noticed that instead of him continuing to be happy with me he was intent on being angry, he was great with everyone else, life and soul and great with me too but then out of the blue the nastiness would come. it happened so slowly that i became the insecure one. He would insult me, ridicule me and then be so loving, i thought i was paranoid. However, he drove me to such a low that for a finish i had no confidence left. He threatned to leave, i would beg him not to, he would stay and then that became his ace card. Even writing this i cannot believe i allowed it to continue but you see, the more someone puts you down, the harder it is to stay srong especially if you put up with it. To cut a long story short, when we finally broke up i spend 2 years attending a clinical physcologist to try and resolve why i felt so hopeless about myself and life. I thank god that today i am doing just fine. My message to you is DONT LET ANYONE PUT YOU DOWN. It is actually reverse psycology he is using on you and its his own self loathing that he is dumping on you. GET OUT NOW You don't love him, you definatly think you do, i know because i did, but what you actually feel is low self exteem, a need to make it work and in a warped way you think that if you can please him it proves your (mis-guided) love for him. I don't mean to sound harsh but i can say this because i let someone be-little me for years and no person has a right to do that to another person. Know your worth. 3 years later i have met a lovely guy and
you will too, dont wait until your spirit is broken. One day you will wake up and think WHY? Why did i let him treat me so badly. Good luck. I hope you take my advice.
He is a nasty piece of work.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (30 January 2008):
 Then Honey, if thats all you think your life is worth you are mad.
This guy does not love you, he is as good as a wife beater. I know how hard it is to leave a guy like this, and for now you definatly wont. But you will in the end either that or he will start with his fists sooner or later.
I hope you get the strength to leave him. He sounds like a typical bully. Picking on someone that cant fight back.
I feel very sorry for you XX
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): You state you are so in love with this man. Does that mean you are prepared to be unhappy and suffer needlessly for the rest of your life. Whereas, if you were to drop him now, you could be in pain for about 6 months-1 year..but your spirit, your emotional well being will be intact. I dunno, emotional pain for 6 months of healing/recovery seems better than a lifetime of abuse, doesn't it.
So you ask if this is normal? I would honestly say it's more a case of being weakened, emotionally and 'misguided' more than anything. There are a lot of men/women who are attracted to others, who take their worthiness, take their sense of self and make them feel so unloved and horrible. These are broken people, dear. You have to see that. They have their own psychological issues, hun. Now in your case, the longer you are with this guy, the worse it will become. When he is done with you, you will be a empty shell inside...guarunteed. So let's talk about you. Women who stay with abusive guys really, believe they are not deserving of a good, healthy love. Simple as that. A woman with a healthy sense of confidence, self-love and a strong worldview would never tolerate such a guy. He wouldn't make it past the front door, so to speak. He'd be on his butt by the curb. lol So why do sensible, lovely females think it feels 'right' to be with a guy who treats her like dirt vs thinking getting out a finding a great guy gives you all the love you ever wanted? It's likely due to her own dysfunctional backgrounds, possibly never having healthy role models (parents and other family members) in her own life? Maybe not but there is one common denominator..she has low self-esteem, therefore she takes what is thrown at her. A lot of females think intensity, pain, sorrow and drama-riddled chaotic relationships is the only way way to achieve a sense of love. Kinda sad, isn't it? But it happens far too often. A woman like this has to work on herself. A healthy relationship is based on friendship, trust, happiness, safety, openess,mutual respect and givingness. If you give yourself a chance to get strong, to not allow anyone to 'tear' you down...you will learn about self-love. This is the only way. I also recommend you get into some counseling to find out why you feel so unworthy of a good, healthy love....the only kind of love we should all accept. Good luck dear and take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): I've been there-I just broke up with my emotionally abusvie ex fiance 4 months ago. It was hard to finally make the break for real, but i knew things were about to turn physical, and i had to leave for my own sanity. And, it's not easy, in fact, it will be hard after you leave him. You will doubt yourself and analyze the relationship until you think you are going crazy-but you are not crazy! He has just made you feel wrong for too long! See a therapist if you need to. But leave him, because even though he will say how much he loves and misses you, he probably won't admit he was abusive, and so how can you change if you deny you have a problem. I always told my ex that it was one thing for him to tell me he loved me, but it was another for him to show it. He never respected me, and where there is no respect there is no love.
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (30 January 2008):
 You cannot leave him because he has emotionally abused you to the point that you cannot think for yourself.
If you love him , you need to get away from him, for him to realize that it is emotional abuse or blackmail.You are not leaving him but you need to break his emotional abuses syndrome.
If you stay , you will be treated with more and more abuses until you will mentally break down and very depressed.You may turn into a psycho and if you crossed the point of no return, you may end up in those funny farms.By staying , you will be making your b/f worse and so will you.
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reader, happyholly +, writes (30 January 2008):
Ok, you leave your botfriend tomorrow and two new man come into your life. The first spits at you laughs at you when you are sad and has no respect. The 2nd man smiles when you smile, protects you, loves you and makes you feel special. My question is which one would you like to be with. You would not chosse the first so you know its wrong and not good for you. We cant live on memories we have to build new ones with good people. If you cant leave just take time out 2 think about what you what like and is it possible with the boyfriend you have now. You are worth so much more and it is out there for you its just letting go. Keep busy go out with friends and try wrighting down the good things about your boyfriend and the bad i think you may struggle 2 find any good points at the moment. Good luck and you are worth more.
Hollyxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): Awww hunny, please get out of that relationship! It can only get worse. A lot of abusers start out abusing emotionally, but it eventually turns physical... if you stay it will only get harder to leave. You deserve so much better than that. I know you're in love, but that's clouding your judgement. You said you're prepared to be unhappy the rest of your life to be with him... but the love of your life shouldn't make you unhappy! And what if you ever have children? Would they deserve to have a father like that? Please try to get some help. Try counseling, or contact a women's abuse hotline.Good luck!
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