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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have a serious question for men who have never ever had a girlfriend in their life. I'm noticing a serious pattern between you guys. Why are you guys so picky? I was playing matchmaker for some of my male "never had a gf in their life" friends and the men had this long list(looks, weight, she had to work out). Why are you men so picky?The problem i have with "never had a Gf " men is these men complain about not finding a woman but when a perfect woman comes around. These men complain about her looks, weight, height, etc and over look these women. How are these men going to get a girlfriend if they're to picky. What's wrong with going on a date with a short, size 18, plain jane woman with glasses(LOL) or a woman who doesn't like sport. It's only lunch so just have fun. What's wrong with giving almost every person a chance and if things don't work out move on? they should just enjoy a woman company and don't worry about sparks and romance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): As a 25-year old male who has never had a relationship, never had sex, never fooled around, and never even kissed a girl, I reckon I'm qualified to answer this.
First of all; if you really think that this is just about pickiness, then you do not understand our problem *at all*.
The adult men who have virtually no sexual/romantic experience often have social anxiety or similar problems. Emotional insecurity, lack of self-confidence, shyness, depression, autism spectrum disorders, being introverted, having bad looks, and insufficient charisma and/or social skills can all contribute to this. Indeed, the cause is typically a combination of such problems.
Oh, I don't doubt that there really are men out there who have yet to get a girlfriend mostly because they're far too picky for their own good - but trust me, those are the exception. Not the rule.
And, just for emphasis: when you suffer from social anxieties, the phrase "it's just lunch" is pretty much like saying "it's only a spider" to someone with arachnophobia.
This is also where your reasoning with "What's wrong with giving almost every person a chance and if things don't work out move on? they should just enjoy a woman company and don't worry about sparks and romance." falls apart - when socializing is already a strenuous chore due to anxiety problems, then going on dates (that will propably lead nowhere) with women that you aren't even attracted to is definitely NOT an appealing idea.
And then there's the problem that there's actually a lot of "never had a GF"-men out there who can't even get so much as a date at all. Not even with plain women that they aren't attracted to. Again, social anxiety and insufficient social skills tend to be a major problem here.
I'm one of those guys, btw - I'm autistic (Asperger's, to be precise), neurotic, and I suffer from moderate anxiety in social situations. Thanks to being autistic, I lack the natural social skills to do the whole dating thing. And thanks to both the autism and the anxiety, I'm far to uncomfortable with social situations to even *try* to expose myself to that whole dating thing. (I can more or less handle normal social contacts nowadays, but dating is just too much for me)
I've been told that I'm good looking. I have a stable and somewhat successful life (currently in university; doing fairly well). I've even had a few times when girls flat-out said (to my face, no less) that they wanted me. But I'm just utterly incapable of handling such situations - and in order to protect myself from failure, I isolate myself.
Case in point: when a girl sent me a short yet very clear "I'm interested"-message on OKCupid, I freaked out and had no idea what to do. Now, a week later, I still have no idea what to do and I'm considering deleting my profile. THAT is how bad I am with dating and flirting and all.
A part of me wants to get romantically involved with girls (hence the OKCupid profile). But I know that I just can't handle it, so as a safety measure, I isolate myself and push away anyone that approaches me.
Now, I might be a rather severe case - but still; I'm overall not that different from many of the other young adult men that you'll find on this site under the tag "never had a girlfriend".
Likewise, many of them are somewhat reserved, introverted, or even avoidant. And in a society where the men are supposed to do the chasing, it's all too easy for men like that to remain dateless and inexperienced well into their twenties (or even after that).
And the resulting lack of romantic success often ends up discouraging such men - which can lead to a vicious cycle that increases their insecurities and self-doubt.
I could go on (I'm propably rambling already), but this should give you an idea of what why a lot of dateless, GF-less men are, well, dateless.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011):
I have a friend who has a girlfriend now and he has had them before (in fact, he was married and is now a widower at just age 39) but he has the same problem, which is that he is so damn picky. I think it's a really big personality flaw.
This really attractive woman came up to him at a party and they were having good conversation. She was an attorney, very smart, and with a quick wit. She seemed interested in him.
Later, I asked him if he was going to see her again and he said he would not. I asked him why the heck he didn't ask out such a charming, beautiful, successful woman. He said that he didn't feel he'd be able to marry her. I told him "Dude, you barely even KNOW her! Go on a few dates and see where it leads!" His response was "No, because that would be a waste of my time."
I am sorry, but I am not so judgemental that I presume to know very much about a person after 10 minutes of harmless conversation. He admitted he was physically attracted to her, too. So what the heck was the problem? He couldn't articulate it.
Unlike the previous poster, I do believe that it can be "just lunch." Otherwise, don't complain to me about being so lonely and sexless all of the time because every woman you agree to go to coffee for has to be a potential mate and mother to your children - and you think you can figure that out instantly. That's some hubris, in my opinion. Yes, we know when attraction is there or not, but at some point it's just being stubborn.
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A
male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (8 July 2011):
I don't fall into the "never had a girlfriend" group, strictly speaking, as I have been married and I've also had other relationships that lasted some months. However, I have gone looooong periods of time without a girlfriend. For example, I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 21. I've been divorced for a few years now, and in that time I haven't had a true girlfriend. Thus, I feel I'm qualified to respond to this.The answer is yes, I potentially go long periods of time between girlfriends because I am VERY picky. I will not compromise, either. I have my "list" of requirements... she's got to be attractive - which is subjective, slender, a non-smoker, not into drugs, have no more than one child, be a little bit younger than I am, an active girl (goes to the gym regularly, or runs, or whatever), well grounded and down to earth / practical, intelligent (college degree preferred), has a good job, etc. Is it a lot to ask? Sure! The only way a relationship will last is if both parties are truly happy, and I can't be happy if I lower my standards. It just won't work in the long run. I'm not conceited but I know what I bring to the table, and I'm looking for an equal partner.The fact is I don't feel I need to be in a relationship. I'd much rather be single (and hence available) than in a relationship that I'm not truly happy in. That way if I happen to meet a girl who fits the list, or might fit the list, I don't have any reason to hesitate - I can just go for it. I feel this is much more preferable than if I'm in some sort of relationship and I meet a nice woman. Am I then cheating if I pursue the new girl? Do I have to break it off first? I don't want to be bothered by drama, or feel any guilt... so I stay single.That said there is an element of needing to be realistic. Sometimes one's standards can be just too high, as there are only so many Victoria's Secret models to go around. Also, I do date or "see" women that I know are not potential LTR matches because they don't fit my list. I'm completely honest with them, though, I never lead a woman on. If we're just FWB, casually dating or in a short term relationship, I'll clearly communicate that. I seek out women who are looking for companionship and sex so we can have a mutually satisfying arrangement, meanwhile I'm unattached and on the lookout for Miss Right.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Yeah... cos no women have long lists of "must haves" and give every average joe a chance- regardless of his attractiveness... c'mon.
Its important to both sexes and just because a guy has never had a girlfriend, doesn't necessarily mean he will lower his standards, sometimes he'll even raise them... Think about it, if a guy's been rationalizing for years to himself and everybody else that he's still a virgin because he's been "waiting for the right one, etc."... good chance he's not going to just "settle" for someone. His pride's on the line.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (8 July 2011):
In all of the more highly evolved species on the planet, attractiveness plays a major role in mating. Birds choose mates with the best colour and plumage, male primates fight for the status as the pack leader and mate with all of the females in the pack, etc. It is a fundamental aspect of pairing.
Humans are of course more complex, and we are capable of connections on many different levels, but attraction still plays a major role. Things are made more complicated with the influence of the media which is shaping our social norms in an "unnatural" way by manipulating us in determining what is attractive and what is not. These forces are powerful influences over individual people.
The long lists these men give are often a combination of their natural attraction, and what we are taught to be attractive through social influences. These forces often override the more complex connections we are able to make, especially in the short term. If there is opportunity for people to spend enough time in each other's company, often the deeper connections can grow, attractions can develop, and things can work out for two people, but there has to be something getting these two people together while these connections form.
Often, with men who have never had a gf before, their pickiness doesn't have anything to do with the above stuff. Often these men have no experience with intimacy, and don't know how to be close with someone, so it is intimidating for them. Often men are interested in women that they can relate sexually to so that they won't have to engage in other kinds of intimacy. This is true for women too by the way, but men have a harder time with it as a result of the different ways men and women are brought up to be and expected to behave in society.
I also don't agree with the idea that "it is just lunch" so just have fun. It is never just lunch, lol. Men do not want to put themselves in a position of rejecting women that they don't think they are interested in, and women don't want to be rejected by men either. It is true that we should expect that some people will connect with us, and some people won't, but people do get their hopes up and can feel let down when things don't work out. It is easier for people with healthy self-esteem but that isn't everyone unfortunately.
I agree though that the world would be a very different place if we could learn to simply enjoy each other's company without having to constantly think of each other in terms of our sexuality. Fostering connection and closeness between all kinds of humans is just as important, more important, than fostering sexual connections, which is where we spend much of our time and energy.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 July 2011):
You have a point--to a degree.
Though I'm not a man, (though I think men and women are not so different in that regard.) I was boyfriendless and a virgin till age 22 and part of why it took me that long was because I wanted to find the right guy.
Now I'm not picky when it comes to looks, as I've fallen for very different men, from the handsome to ordinary, to those that are considered by some as even ugly. But I am picky when it comes to personality. I want a 'click'; the point when you think to yourself how much you enjoy his company, because he gets your jokes, makes you smile, etc. If I don't take a liking to that person, why bother hooking up? So I think that plays a big part for both men and women who haven't had a bf/gf yet.
Another thing is self image. People with very low self esteem often get in the way of themselves. They think that guy/girl is out of their league, they think they're ugly, they hate themselves and wonder how someone could ever love them if they themselves can't. Also, because people tend to broadcast that one way or the other, suitable candidates steer clear.
So in short, I don't think it's as black and white as you paint it for most people. Sure, there may be some delusional people out there who will only accept handpicked victoria's secret models, but they're in the minority.
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