A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To keep it short, I've been having sex with this guy for almost 2 years. I'm fine that it's not a relationship. Things have been good, but there is one thing that's been on my mind.Firstly, yes, we always talk before sex, he'll sometimes take me to dinner and cuddling on the couch before we ever get physical. I understand that it's a sexual thing and that he's not my BF, but for someone who's been sleeping with me for 2 years now, he isn't curious about me or my life at all. He doesn't ask me about myself or about my life passions or career choice or life experiences. Occasionally, he'll ask about my family and how my dad is doing, but I feel that he's not very curious who I am in the slightest bit. I ask him questions all the time about his opinions, life, passions, career, but he doesn't seem to reciprocate the questions back to me. Because of this, sometimes, I'll volunteer info so he'll know more about me or get a conversation going, but even then, he doesn't try to take the conversation further and or ask me questions. I'm not in anyway saying that to brag, so I apologize if that's what it sounds like: Almost all the guys who I've dated really liked me and most of the people I meet, even at school or work seem to like my personality a lot and think I'm a catch, so I'm just a little hurt and my ego's been bruised to see that a guy I've known for that long isn't at least curious or intrigued in the slightest bit. It makes me feel kind of stupid and crummy sometimes. I guess it feels weird to be unseen.So I'm here to ask:Have you experienced someone who just didn't give two cahoots about you? Were you confused by someone's indifference? How'd you overcome that feeling? How can one stop caring? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 He is either genuinely uninterested in you as a person, only wanting you as a fuck buddy, or he is one of those men who doesn't ask questions of ANYONE. Women tend to want to know more about the sort of thing you mention, whereas men often are totally disinterested.
To give you an example: my OH's friend of 30+ years was getting married. His bride-to-be (who we had not met previously, as they live in another country at the time) was pregnant. We were invited to the wedding. In the lobby of the register office, her hair fell down and I helped her pin it all back up. In the short time it took us to do that I had found out more about her and their plans than my OH had bothered to find out about in the whole run-up to the wedding, including a couple of "boys' nights" which included the groom-to-be.
After the baby was born, there was another boys' time, including the new dad. When I asked OH afterwards how the baby and mum were, his response was "OK I guess. He didn't say." I mean WTF? The first thing a woman would have done would have been to ask about such a major event (especially as it was the dad's first baby, even though he was nearly 50). Nobody thought to ask and the new dad didn't bother sharing.
What I am trying to say is that not everyone is the same. Some men are just not interested in finding out anything about their friends (or other people) which relates to ambitions, passions or plans for the future. Personally I find those sorts of things the EXACT things I am interested in but OH really doesn't "get" that. He would rather discuss his favourite sports, or how to rebuild an engine or build something. I, on the other hand, would like to know what makes people tick.
If he has not taken the relationship further in two years, then he is unlikely to do so. You, on the other hand, appear to want more. You deserve to have what you want. In your shoes I would tell him that you are now ready for a relationship. If it is not what he wants, then find someone who will give you more than he is doing. However, even if he does, be aware he may never be THAT interested in the deeper recesses of your personality.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 I've never had experience with this, but honestly I am not sure how you can still be happy being in this situation with him. If it was me I wouldn't be able to do it, it would eat away at me as a person to know that I am giving sex to someone who doesn't care about anything else. I can imagine you want him to get to know you more, but it is clear he doesn't and he is just in it for the sex. At least he has the decency to take you for dinner. Honestly if it is starting to effect who you are as a person then I don't think you are happy with the situation at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2018): You've outgrown this kind of connection; and you're realizing that you're more than someone's plaything. You weren't cutout for this kind of relationship.
You have over-invested your time and energies into this connection; because you hoped you could build something from it. Even a good friendship. It's less than friends with benefits; because you're not receiving equal benefit from this relationship, or whatever you want to call it. It's parasitism. You're the host, and you have a ravenous parasite feeding on your body and spirit.
Did you hope time would create more of a emotional-connection? You had to have let several interim romantic-prospects go; because you had to be available at his beck and call. He became your addiction. His toxin and his nasty roots penetrated your soul. You were under his spell. You pushed the slumber-button on your feelings; thinking you could be as much of a man as he is. You're a woman. You're more emotionally-evolved.
You have more ingrained-values than he does. You have a healthy self-esteem, and strong sense of self-awareness.
Although your insight is delayed, and you may have a little arrested-development; you've seen the light! This guy is bad news! "Where the hell am I; and what have I done???" "Where have the last two years gone?"
You're not perplexed! You're "WOKE!" You just realized the scale tipped the wrong-way, didn't you girlfriend?
Fret not! It was a learning-experience. It's slowly working its way out of your system. It prompted you to seek advice and write about it. You're smart, you already know the answers; but you had to pose the questions aloud.
You thought you could survive on pleasure alone?
You need more than what he gives, even from a friend! Glad you've come to your senses!
Well, you're now seeing things more clearly. You've grown; and the very fact you've written this post, is a clear indication that you will not settle for this sh*t any longer.
He's enjoying all the benefits, and indulging in your sweetest-delights and delicacies; but couldn't care less about what's happening with you, or even how your day was!
Seal the lid on the honey-pot, girlfriend! You've closed the candy shop; and on to more lucrative-ventures!
You deserve better. Now go find it! Stop wasting your precious time and energies on a sex-addicted user.
You are to cut all ties, sever connections, and pull all the plugs! Go dead-air, ghost, and independent! You have to purge his toxin and boost your immunity. You've let yourself go too long under his influence. Sex is a supplement, or additive. It's icing on the cake! Sex is not something you can build a full-scale relationship upon. Not even a real friendship. You're much more complex than that!
You're not as detached and indifferent as he is. He's a lower-species of human being; one who can use others without compassion. He can thrive, void of guilt or conscience. You must avoid people who have these negative-attributes; or you will assimilate! They will sour your spirit, and drain you of your true humanity. They will lead you into darkness.
In the meantime; readjust your self-respect, upgrade your self-esteem, reset your GPS, reboot; and get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 If you want to ask how to stop caring, the best person to ask is your FWB. Do you know enough of his life, his past which causes him to be disinterested? It's possible he is not interested in anything, and he doesn't care how he is coming across. Or he's purposefully keeping you at arm's length. He's the perfect example of why he can't be in a relationship, right? Do you really want to be like him?
Women are better at connecting because we need are nurturing side to take care of children. Men focus on hunting and survival. That's ancient and biological. Nowadays men and women develop our masculine and feminine side, or to be more androgynous. Men do it to improve relationships with women. Women become more manly to adapt to working and to be competitive with men in society. Some men refuse to develop feminine sides. Perhaps it's the extreme male quality you are attracted to that keeps this sexual relationship going. I think he's this way towards all women. It's not that you have one challenge to overcome. There's nothing you can do to become more interesting to win his attention.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (7 June 2018):
 I have to agree with Honeypie that you're holding yourself back from somebody who really wants to be with you. I was once in a similar situation in that my partner kept me at arms length for three years. I adored him but friends used to say..' But being with him is stopping you from meeting somebody who really wants to be with you'. They were right. I finished the relationship and eventually met, and recently married, a man far more suitable. My ex partner went onto meet somebody else, treated her the same as he treated me, then he had a mountain climbing accident and died from his injuries.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2018):
 Stop having a casual "thing" with a guy for 2 years. It's PRETTY normal that ONE of the two people in a FWB/F-buddy will develop feelings and it's also pretty typical (judging by all the posts made by women) that MEN are better at keeping emotions and interest out of that equation.
Yes, I get that your ego is bruised but maybe that is also your brain telling you that you are WASTING your time.
Why waste your time on someone who only really cares about sticking his dick in you?
Al you are really doing is holding yourself back from meeting someone who WANTS to get to know you, your passions, interest, goals, hopes and dreams.
Are you still seeing him after 2 years because you hope that he will ALL of a sudden develop an interest and see the great girl in front of him? If you are... it's not going to happen, he obviously doesn't care. What he DOES care about is getting his rocks off with minimum drama and personal investment.
A FWB/F-buddy thing is what it is. It HAS an expiration date usually because one will WANT something more, deeper, and the other don't.
The choice is yours. I have no doubt you ARE a great girl, I just don't get why think a FWB/F-buddy thing is really a good thing for you. I don't understand why you are doing this FOR and WITH a guy who don't give two F's about you. Who is basically saying you are not worth ME investing in you. You are JUST a shag - a lay - a walking vagina.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 I don't find it confusing. I'd find very confusing the opposite ! : if he were curious, intrigued , fascinated by you as a person, eager to find out more and to be let into your mental / social / emotional world- and after two years he had not asked you to date regulartly / be his GF. THAT woud be strange.
But, as things stand now, it makes sense. He is interested in a physical relationship; he is an FWB. Polite, friendly, amiable, a step up from sheer fuck buddy, and yet : this is an FWB. What he is interested in is the sensations, not the person. He appreciates you for the
" service " - or , let's call it , less brutally, the " experience " you provide. Other than that, he needs to know nothing more.
It's like as if I go to a restaurant and get served an excellent meal , superbly coooked and courteously served. I am happy about the great evening, inclined to come back for more , and sincerely grateful to those nice, skilled employees who contributed to my enjoyment, and that I will treat therefore politely and amiably, and with a smile on my face. Nonetheless, I really don't care if the cook had a rough childhood or the waiter loves jazz music. I am going to the restaurant to gratify my senses, not to establish deep bonds.
No, I don't find it perplexing. I'd say that it's sort of self evident that if a man involves you ( or lets you involve him ) in a casual , physical relationship , he likes you - but not terribly much. He likes you, but up to a point. If he liked you more- if he really really liked you- no way that he would be fine with casual , uncommitted hook ups, although civilly preceded by dinner and conversation. He'd want more, and you'd have to stave him off with a stick, so eager he would be to start belonging to your world.
I guess you are basically asking :But WHY he does not really really like me a lot , -like the other guys did ?
Why is he not impressed, bowled over, bewitched ?
I have no idea. I think nobody can answer this question, he could have tons of reasons or no specific reason at all. But I would bet that it has got nothing to do with you having flaws or faults, it's not about something you say or do or omit to do. It's just that love, and attraction too, is not a chemical lab formula , where you put in the same ingredients and every time you have the same guaranteed result.
" Beauty- check. Intelligence- check. Sense of humour- check. Kindness- check. Etc. etc."
It does not work like that . You may be a great catch objectively, you might be a super duper catch for most men ,
- but not for him.
It happens. You cannot please everyone, and you cannot make everyone like you.
How to deal with his indifference ? It depends. If your dismay is just motivated by a pinprick to your ego, insofar
you were used to have a certain " visibility " for men, and now you feel unseen and don't like it- through simple common sense and rationality. Reread what I wrote, it's banal yet true . Nobody can make every single one fall in love with her. Nobody does; nobody tries to.
If instead you feel hurt because you have bitten off more than you can chew, i.e. you have entered an FWB, NSA relationship, and now you feel yourself attached romantically… oh dear. We are in trouble ; the best would be to be brave and stop seeing him altogether , because, mark my words, the more you go on, and the more deeply his polite indifference will cut you.
Perhaps you have taken up with this guy accepting a casual thing, but with the idea , in the back of your mind, that , in time, he was going to notice what a great gal you are and was naturally going to become attached.. or at least " curious ", as you say….
Risky bet; it almost never pays. I don't want to say
" never ever "... but a wide majority of the times, with an FWB what you see is what you get. Sex, fun, occasional companionship and camaraderie too; but no need for
" curiosity " or depth or closeness or getting to know each other better. What would it be the point, after all ? You want to know the other person better when you want to know if you two are compatible, if you can start something good together, ….if these things are off the table to begin with- there's really not much space and scope for " discovering " who the other is.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 June 2018):
 You're in a FWB what do you expect? He's in it for sex and apparently that's ALL. He doesn't care about you, just the sex. If you can't handle the coldness you shouldn't be in the relationship..its as simple as that
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