A
female
age
36-40,
*ngelic88
writes:Been tigether 2 years and the past 6 months my boyfriend has the tendancy to change his stories often and its getting to a point where Im always get upset and angry and then we end up in a big argument. Theyre usually small pointless ones, but if he cant tell me the truth then, how can he expect me to trust him more? An example to give occured yesterday, when I asked him about a dare he did before he met me which was to run down his street in a thong. So I asked him were you drunk he said "No". I replied with "well that kinda makes it worse", and he then changed it to "actually I may have been drunk" and then when I had a go for him changing his answer he then ended it with "Look I cant remember ok!" We argued about it because I just couldn't understand why he couldn't give me a straight answer instead of 3 different ones. He got very angry and told me that we worries about my reaction. So if I even act slightly surprised, or cross he'll always change his answer? How can I get him to stop this..Or what can I do to prevent him doing this. Talking doesn't work because he says I should let it go.
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male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (8 June 2018):
 He said it himself, he worries about your reaction. It seems you could go just about anywhere in the world and find a frustrated wife or girlfriend complaining about the lying men in their lives. I think the real question here is:
"Why does the average man lie so often?"
There must be a reason for it right? Men don't have a set genetic trait to make us lie do we? It's an action done based on experience and the fact that we do it so often signifies that it gives good results.
Look at it this way. If you asked your husband if you have gained any weight and he said "yes", would you be happy he told you the truth or would it end in an argument or death stare followed by petty comments mixed with cold shoulders? In his head, he's thinking "Great, now she's upset with me...I should have just lied, she would have been happy and I wouldn't be sleeping on the couch." So the next time, maybe 3 weeks, 4 months or 5 years later, whenever you decide to ask him once more if you look fat, he'll recall this incident and immediately LIE.
Women have proven over and over again to men that they have a difficult time handling the truth when presented to them. Instead of appreciating it women tend to get upset, point fingers and judge...only after reassuring you that they won't....after a while being honest seems pointless if it only ends in arguments or resentments all the time. Women always want reassurance from men...lying does exactly that.
That's when the focus is one YOU. What about when the focus is on HIM?
You're asking him about a dare which happened over 2 years ago. Running down the street seems silly but it also has a fun element to it. It sounds like you were trying to gather details about the day which also gives the impression you were passing judgement, plus you said "well that kinda makes it worse" which was judgement in itself. You made a fun, care free event into an argument. He feels you're probably questioning his manhood or his seriousness as a person.
Until you can accept the truth from your spouse with a pinch of salt he will continue to lie. Look on the bright side, you're not the only woman in the world facing this matter.
All the best.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 June 2018):
 While I do agree that lying in a relationship is very bad, I have to concede that topics like this are simply not relevant. It’s when you catch him lying about actual important topics that you need to worry. Who gives a toss whether he was drunk or not whilst running down the street in a thong?
Maybe he did forget, who knows? But if you’re doubting your trust for him over things like this then it’s safe to say you’re not meant to be, id get out before it sends you mad.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 June 2018):
 OMG, have you never told a story about something you did and slightly "edited" the next version to make it sound more interesting/funny than the original? If you haven't, then you are in a minority.
I am surprised it is not your poor boyfriend who is writing in and saying "My girlfriend gives me a hard time over every little minutiae of everything I say". If you are not careful he will stop telling you ANYTHING for fear of "saying the wrong thing".
Give the poor guy a break.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2018): You don't seem to understand the concept of cause and effect.
The cause of your boyfriend's lying; is the effect his answers have on your behavior, and the reaction he gets when the answers are not the words you insist on hearing. Which in any-case, will receive an angry-response!
Why do you ask him so many questions about what he's doing, or his state of sobriety; when you already know the answer?
You're over-reactionary, touchy, and mean to your boyfriend.
Demanding a high-degree of truthfulness and honesty; which you'll only reward with anger! I wish he could tell his side of the story. Let us know how totally honest, endearing, and totally perfect you are as a girlfriend!
Are you always wound-up and ready to go-off about every little thing? Read what you said he told you, and actually let it sink in! He tries to diffuse your anger by changing the story, or omitting the truthful-details; so you'll calm-down!!!
What is this thing with so many OP's coming to DC with the accusation of how much their boyfriends or husbands lie? There is an easy solution when you find yourself committed to a pathological-liar. You divorce or leave them! Period!
If you confront people angrily, or in an accusatory way; they are apt to lie, because they are avoiding your anger!!! Truth or lie, you're still angry!
Last I checked in the realm of reality; men and women lie at just about the same rate of frequency and volume.
If you want to dwell on a person's one particular weakness that gets to you; I guess lying must top the list. However; men put-up with nagging, irritability, clinginess, body-image insecurities, jealousy, bullying, temper-tantrums, and cheating. Add unsubstantiated=suspicion, snooping, crying, and the withholding of sex. They rarely write about their emotions or feelings about their girlfriend's or wife's tantrums, or frequent accusations of infidelity. Maybe because they know it comes with the territory. Perhaps they are more apt to internalize more than they/we will express openly. Men don't like lying-women, anymore than women like lying-men!
In either-case, it's those big lies we all better be more concerned about. Not little fibs you tell to avoid an argument, a spanking, or a long drawn-out tongue-lashing.
Some things you just drop for the sake of keeping the peace; and choose your battles based on the severity of the situation, and whether it even merits discussion.
How can you get him to stop! Stop acting like you're his mother, and calm-down. He's not a little boy! You're always cross with him like he's a child. Back-off!
If he has too many weaknesses and flaws to your taste; end the relationship! Go find yourself a boyfriend who will never tell lies; and doesn't mind you blowing-up over little things that are better just left-alone.
It so easy to see the flaws in others; because it makes it so much easier to overlook our own faults!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 Do you often give him a hard time about his past? It could be that he is scared of always having an argument with you over small things that don't even matter to him. Maybe you should cut him some slack. If it does get to much for you then maybe he is not the man for you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 'So if I even act slightly surprised, or cross he'll always change his answer?' Um...probably yes, if you make this big a deal of the smallest thing.
I agree with the first 2 answers and I'll add that sometimes people make minor adjustments to avoid a negative response.
You were drilling him on an event that happened before he even met you, that was not criminal, he was not cheating on an ex or doing anything that might have brought his character into question (maturity perhaps, but this was harmless).
I really think you need to lighten up.
You know, this post reminds me of the one from the obsessed mistress who suspected her married lover of cheating while he was renovating his mum's flat.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (7 June 2018):
 Once a liar, always a liar. You'll never believe him no matter what he says so it's up to you whether you want to put up with it or whether you want to finish the relationship and move on. One thing's for sure - you can't change him, it's the way he is. His lies are problem perfectly harmless but it will always irritate you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2018):
 I fully agree with Code Warrior.
It doesn't MATTER if he was drunk or not when he streaked.. He doesn't remember but DOES pick up on the fact that YOU thought it would be "better" if he had been drunk. So he was actually CATERING to you.
Lying is a defense mechanism for your guy. The proverbial "hand in the cookie jar". He has been getting out of trouble (little things, like stealing cookies) with little lies. So when YOU put him on the spot he and make him feel like he HAS to say the "right" thing or it will be another STUPID argument - he will lie.
You might be the first person to "confront" him when he lies. Which means he might actually lie MORE to you. Because he doesn't want to get it "wrong".
Most people do lie here and there. And most do it about unimportant things (like whether he might have been drunk or not) Either because they really don't remember or are unsure of what ANSWER the other person wants.
So instead of nitpicking the little lies that do not matter in the bigger picture - call him out when it DOES matter.
However, you "changing" this about him is unrealistic.
THIS is who he is. So if it ERODES your trust in him, maybe he isn't the one for you.
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