A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The guy that I've been seeing for three months has just told me that he thinks we shouldn't spend so much time together. We see each other nearly everyday at the gym.. And then afterwards and also at the weekends. He says that he thinks I need to meet my friends more and do stuff apart from him. I am insecure, it's making me needy I'm sure. He told me before to stop looking for reassurance. I appreciated his direct honesty... Even if it hurt my feelings somewhat, but now I'm a anxious wreck today. I took a step and am organising counselling. I want to my old independent self again. But I'm afraid thative already ruined this new relationship already. Though he does still want to be with me. Any advice? Do you think I've put him off sufficiently? My last boyfriend didn't want me to be so independent so I guess I'd gotten used to that...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): Relax he is still interested in you that's why he's asking you to be more independent so he can feel more comfortable. He's asking for changes, not to get out of it entirely. If he wanted to leave you, he would have. instead he's trying to make it better so that shows he's still interested. but be forewarned that he is telling you need to change in order for him to want to stay.
yes you need to be more independent. Counseling is a good idea.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (1 January 2013):
Having a life outside of your relationship is pretty critical for your relationships health. Your boyfriend recognizes that and so he's only being proactive in telling you so.
An insecure person naturally sees that as the beginning of the end, but it's really not unless you allow your insecurity to ruin the relationship.
Whether or not you need counseling is up to you, but I think what you really need is some time to get used to having some to yourself. Fill it with things that you enjoy and then enjoy the time you spend with your boyfriend.
It shouldn't take long for you to realize that things are going just fine, if not better because of you having some independence.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 January 2013):
Because he's been upfront to you about what bugs him, I think he wants to salvage the relationship. If he didn't want to give it another chance, you would know by now.
If it were me, I'd thank him for his honesty and tell him you're working on it. This way you too are upfront about your intentions and you're letting him know directly that this is important to you. Then don't mention the subject again and work on improving your self esteem, and with it, your independence. Actions always show better than words.
Also, you mentioned your past relationship: did your previous boyfriend cause your 'old independent self' to be insecure? What happened that made you this way? If this is the big reason behind your clinginess, you may want to briefly explain that to your bf, so he knows where you're coming from.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (1 January 2013):
At least you’re not in denial about it. You recognise the issue and are being pro-active in trying to change it. If your last boyfriend encouraged dependency, that’s hard behaviour to unlearn. Tell the new guy that you appreciated his honesty and recognised the things he was saying. Tell him why you’re like this and that you’re trying to sort it out. Then follow his advice: try and do some things independent of him as well as going to the counselling. He sounds like the kind of guy that would tell you frankly if you’d ruined it. Focus instead on sorting your issues out rather than worrying about whether you’ve ruined things or not because that’s going to heighten your insecurity.
I wish you all the very best.
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