A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for over 3 years. In that time, I have often felt like he takes me for granted and puts his friends first but I have always stuck it out because I loved him and didn't want to give up on the relationship. However, in the last two months I have reached a point where I am starting to feel like I might want to break up. I think he has realised something is different with me because he has been making a lot more effort. I appreciate it but I don't know if this will last or if he will go back to old ways once he 'has me' again. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I want him to change or if I'm ready to end things now, but other times I can't imagine life without him because I will miss him so much. I am so confused.I also feel really guilty because I am all he has. His parents moved abroad just after we met and his 2 brothers are married and live over 6 hours away from him. Like I say he has his friends, but they are all the kind who will be there when they want to go for a few drinks but they are never there when he actually needs someone (he heard nothing from any of them when his grandfather died for example). I know it shouldn't be a reason not to finish things but I feel if I do I'll be leaving him with no one and I really don't want to do that to him, especially since he feels abandoned by his parents anyway. I mean they sold the family home from under him less than a week after he graduated before he had a job or any savings! FYI I think he is selfish sometimes because they are and they raised him that way. I still really love and care for him so much, but I am constantly changing my mind about whether I want to be with him or not so much right now. Part of me thinks I shouldn't be with him if I'm having so many doubts, but the other half thinks maybe he is growing up and that now he realises he might lose me things might change so I should at least give him another chance to fix things. Any advice on how to work out what I really want will be so helpful! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): Being sorry for someone is never a good reason to stay with them.
If he doesn't appreciate you, go find someone else who will.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 January 2013):
 I know that feeling. If 5 girlfriends do the same thing and leave for the same reasons, maybe he will change. If you take him back every time because you feel sorry for him, he will think you are using words just to manipulate him. I know, manipulate what, to be more loving? He is just being himself and you are being yourself. For him, just having your presence in the same house is enough. Sticking around and being loyal is love. For you, you need more connection and emotional stimulation. If pleasing you means he is changing too much in order to make you happy, he will just resent it. You think that in order for him to notice you you have to act aloof and pretend to be busy with other things. It's hard for both of you to not be yourselves.
You are young with no baggage so you don't have to settle yet. As you grow older you find yourself tolerating more negative traits from people. Guilt and fear of loneliness are bigger motivators to love in long term, more than it is our natural tendency to stay with one person forever. Maybe growing up means realizing that potential suitors get narrower each year. If you leave him he will be fine. He may even enjoy the freedom of not having family around. You never know.
If you end it now I won't have objections, or tell you that you don't have perserverence, you give up too quickly. You do whatever is right for you. Maybe later your mind will be clearer but there is no need to wait until that time.
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