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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Please, please help me... I can't stop thinking and my mind is going crazy!!Last night, I had a dinner date at my place with a colleague of mine I really really really really like. The evening was smooth and flirty and fun. Then he started making passes at me, pretty bluntly... he got all touchy feely and said he wanted to have sex with me. Although I really really like him a lot, I didn't feel like having sex because I don't know him that well yet, and I don't really like random sex anyway. Then he said "ok, no prob" and we kissed goodnight. Thing is: he hasn't texted me nor called me today and I'm really scared I blew this incredible chance at being with this awesome man because I didn't have sex. Maybe I should have. I don't even know. Plus, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at work and I don't really know how to handle this whole thing. Should I be clear, telling him I'd like a proper relationship, or would that only scare him away? Should I ask him on another date? This really sucks... I feel so stupid for not sleeping with him.Can you please, please help me out of this mess?!? Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 Tish gets punnier and punnier as the weekend approaches.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 January 2011):
 Toads in the old days didn't have the power of texts. Text appeal, if you will.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 January 2011):
Yep, you keep holding out for that prince and never settle for a horny toad.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 January 2011):
You are right, he isn't worth your time, or any more worry or concern! If he wanted to get to know you, he would have gone a few miles extra to meet you for a drink. Now you know, now you have back your power. Stay strong and don't feel badly about this, you did the right thing.
Good luck in the wilds of dating-land!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi! Here's another update! Today I was visiting my parents who only live 3 miles away from my place and I get a text from him saying: "Are you home in 1 hr?". I said "Nope. I'm at my parents'- drive those extra 5miles and we can go for a drink". he said "Sorry, I can't. Maybe some other time". Okay, that's what I call a booty call. You know what? This is exactly what I needed. I just wanted to sleep with me and I'm sooooo glad I didn't. I man who isn't willing to drive 3 miles to meet me for a drink and only wants to meet me at my place is not worth my time, right?
Thank you all again!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2011):
Hold your head up high... he's the one who has to account for his actions and assumptions. Not you. Don't let him flip that onto you, okay?
Just go on about your business and be professional if you encounter him.
I really do think that dating co-workers is problematic and your situation illustrates one of the pitfalls, sorry you had to learn it directly.
Good luck!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 January 2011):
Aren't you glad you didn't become another notch on the bedpost!? His loss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off I'd like to thank you all aunts because you've all been incredibly helpful and sweet. Seriously, thank you! It's hearwarming to see there are people like you out there. Thank you!
Update: I saw him today at work and it was the most emabarassing thing ever. Ever!! I told him I'd like to maybe see him again sometime and he said (very coldly) we would and then added he didn't wanna talk about personal issues at work. What?!? I've never felt so humiliated in my entire life. This sucks. I guess I'm just gonna try and move on- maybe he wasn't as awesome as he seemed.
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female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (26 January 2011):
 omg did he think you were an escort? Please honey you did the right thing. No woman wants to have her man to say i nailed you the first night.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): "this incredible chance at being with this awesome man"
Maybe he isn't that awesome. Perhaps you didn't blow anything.
You didn't expect this, and perhaps that is where you need to learn and understand more about the guy you are interested in.
He may be a total player, and you just one of the playees, and you didn't get to where he wanted to get to on the first date. You are clearly interested in a more serious relationship before sex, the question is whether the other partner is interested in more than the sex.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Don't panic - you did exactly the right thing. You didn't want to have sex with him. It was too early for you. You said so.
He responded well. He took it with grace, kissed goodnight and left you in peace. He probably feels a bit of a jerk for having come on so strong and been told no. He is the one who is probably kicking himself.
Ok, so as someone else said: time will tell. Either he really likes you and will respect you for this and take it slow now, or he will dump you completely because you aren't up for easy sex. Or, he might cool off because he is embarrassed, so you do need to make the first move back I think. But DON'T have sex with him yet.
You probably need to be the one to break the ice now, as he has backed off, on your instructions. He won't come forward again unless asked to, is my guess.
And I wouldn't think too badly of him for wanting to sleep with you - I guess you have known each other for some time at work. It isn't like picking up a girl in a bar. And he's probably been thinking about having sex with you for some time. And it was his first chance. And you're in your thirties. People in their thirties quite often don't mess around with first base, etc, any more - they just go straight in.
SO: my advice is: forgive him: forgive yourself: make the first move now: see how it goes. You will soon see if he is a jerk, or worth having.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Have you considered doing the calling or texting?
I mean he might be under the impression he ruined his chances by getting carried away and trying to have sex with you?
Firstly where were you on your first date? If it was at your or his place that's always an invitation to try it on. I know technically it's not but name one guy who wouldn't try it on in those circumstances, it's very easy to get carried away when you start kissing and a bedroom is a few feet away.
Next time go somewhere public for a date.
Unless it was public when he got all touchy feely, that would be a bit much.
Look not having sex was the right choice, you know that. Now if he's the type of guy to go off you because of that then screw him. Don't ever cast aside your own values and wishes to please a guy.
Honestly though if you want to talk to him then do. He might be playing it cool, maybe he feels he was too eager and now he has to chill out a bit. Perhaps he's embarrassed and waiting for to call him. Maybe he's thinking the exact same thing you are, wondering why you haven't texted hm yet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Everybody will give you their own personal opinion here and you should take them with an open mind. If the guy really cares about you and like you enough to really get to know you the person, he will call you back, if he was just after sex, he wont be calling you back. You shouldn't just have sex, because you feel that if you don't men wont like you. I am sure that you are a great girl and you will find yourself a great guy. Don't dwell on it , if it was meant for you and this guy to start something, things will fall into place, don't sell yourself short.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Your first instinct is normally the right one. Rushing into sex ruins things. And that is what the relationship will be is sex. If he feels the same as you, he will wait if not, it is best to keep it moving. He just wants the relations and not a relationship.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 January 2011):
I think you would have definitely blown it with the guy if you had just jumped in the sack. If all he was looking for was a one night stand then you still came out on the right end of the stick. Good on you!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 January 2011):
So did you ask him over to dinner at your house? This may have given him the idea that you were interested in sex, he may have misunderstood your intention.
I'd play it very calmly and confidently. You like him, you'd like to date him, you don't do casual sex. There's nothing there to freak out about. If he has a problem with that, that's HIS deal, nothing to do with your very reasonable and rational approach to dating.
One comment I'll make here and then leave it alone, is that I don't really think dating co-workers is a good idea. There are office politics, gossip, management/staff issues that can really complicate things. And as you now are aware, showing up for work and acting normal can be very difficult if things go pear-shaped.
Stop panicking, just relax, be your usual self, treat him exactly the same and assume the best. If you are disappointed later, don't worry too much about it, that just means he was looking for something different that you were. It is not a value judgement on you nor is he the person who determines if your approach to dating is the 'right' one. YOU do.
Take back your power and do not cower in the corner! You DESERVE to be treated well, even if you didn't hop in bed at his first whim, okay? Stay strong, don't wimp out now.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 January 2011):
 You did the right thing, and if you blew your chances because you didn't put out, then he's just a jerk hidden behind a charming personality.
I think it wouldn't hurt to tell him you had a nice time and hope you can do it again sometime soon. Hopefully he'll agree to another date. If he brings up sex again, tell him that it's just too fast for you, but you like him and hope to have a proper relationship. See if that's what he's interested in.
Asking for sex on the first date is pretty classless in my book, but hey, not all first dates are equal either. But definitely don't doubt yourself for not sleeping with him. That was the RIGHT call!
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