A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I've been having a lot of trouble lately and I keep making things worse for myself. I'm 15 years old and I've been predicted very high target grades and gcses, and people expect me to use my intelligence to the maximum, but lately I feel as if I've been letting myself down. I've been getting caught up in stupid social disputes both in and out of school due to my friends ignorance and lack of care, they're really dragging me down but they are my friends so I can't find the courage to tell them to just leave me alone sometimes and let me do my own thing. I feel awful for my parents too because I want to do my best for them but I just can't find it in me, I recently did something where I made a typical 'teenage-mistake' and really worried them, so they don't trust me anymore, and I've been tearing myself up about it for weeks now. Anyway, I lack motivation and procrastinate way too much, I always put things off to do something stupid and useless, I want to know how I can find the motivation to do well in and out of school again because I feel I've let myself down a lot recently, I want to be my intelligent, good self again, any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you :) Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 December 2012):
Firstly, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re at a difficult stage in life: you’re at an age where there is academic pressure, pressure to start thinking about the future and social pressures all piling down on you at the same time. There’s no shame in finding all of these things hard to balance out. You can’t be the best, or do your best all of the time. But you’re already half way there when it comes to getting yourself back on track because you recognise that things aren’t quite right. Firstly, whatever it is that you did is clearly playing on your mind. Whatever it was, tell your parents you know it was a mistake. Don’t just promise not to do this thing again, but actually tell them that you regret it and would not wish to do so again. That mature response may gradually get them to start trusting you again. IT never hurts to say sorry! Whatever it was it probably seems far worse in your mind than is actually the case.
You don’t say much about the social disputes that are affecting you. It’s hard to tell people you care about things they don’t want to hear or won’t like, but as patronising as this might sound it’s part of growing up to have to get used to it which you’ll learn with time and experience. If they are trying to pick arguments with you, simply tell them you don’t want to argue about whatever issue and offer instead to talk about the issue when they feel ready. If they are dragging you in to disputes, such as trying to make you take sides in disagreements that are nothing to do with you, simply say that you care about everyone involved and don’t want to take sides. It’s a tough thing to do but if you get dragged in to these kinds of situations it can make you very unhappy. Knowing when and how to walk away will serve you well.
Finally, in terms of your studies, how good are you at planning your workload? Could your lack of motivation come from the fact that you are struggling? It’s often high-achieving kids who suffer most with stress and worry from school work, because they feel the burden of high expectations and work extremely hard to meet their high standards. They tend to be the ones least likely to ask for help and support from teachers even though they’re probably amongst those who need it most sometimes. Do not be afraid to ask for help, it’s not a sign of weakness or failure if you’re not always able to manage without a bit of support. It doesn’t mean you’re no longer the fine student you used to be, or that your standards have slipped. It’s a sign of intelligence and strength to know when to change things around or request intervention. Do also think about prioritising your work and drawing up plans for when you will tackle different pieces of work during the week. When you make these plans, put time aside for socialising and breaks because it’s really important to get that balance. If you can learn this skill now it’s going to help you so much whatever you go on to do in the future. Let’s say, for example, you devote Saturday morning to homework. Take the afternoon off. Get teachers to help you do this if needed. Actually write these plans down and place them where you can easily see them so you are reminded to stick to them.
Clearly people have high expectations of you, and you have high expectations of yourself. That’s not a bad thing. In fact it’s fantastic! But you’re young and still learning so much about life. You’ve probably made mistakes and probably have plenty still to make. But the important thing is always to learn from them and make the most of the people around you who care for you and want you both to achieve your goals and be happy. You are letting no-one down.
I wish you all the very best.
A
male
reader, Noidentity. +, writes (5 December 2012):
Aunt Honesty is right, you should never try to live up to other's expectations except your own. Some people and parents always seem to try and lay down an already written path for you and expect you to follow it. The only person you should try to impress or live up to, is yourself.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 I think you are putting way to much pressure on yourself. As for wanting to impress your parents, you should work hard for yourself and nobody else. I think it would benefit you to sit down with your parents, talk to them and tell them how you have been feeling. Apologise for any bad behaviour recently or for the mistake that you made, but do not put to much guilt on yourself, you are only young and still growing so you are going to make mistakes and bad choices but hopefully you will learn from them, that is what life is all about. Don't beat yourself up over it. As for your friends dragging you down, if that is the case well then whenever you need time to study or do work turn off your phone and just concentrate on doing that.
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