A
female
age
26-29,
*eile
writes:Ok, we have been together for awhile.. About 11 months.I'm really irritated with this:I was looking through my boyfriend's messages (he does the same to me too) and I saw a message he wrote to a girl, (Ex Gf actually, but I don't mind) encouraging her to flirt with strangers or so. He told her that "he has flirted with random strangers for a confidence boost."Him flirting with other strangers annoys me so much. I read over the internet debating on whether it's all right for people to flirt with others in a relationship. Some said yes, some said no.On a website it says that:1) It's an ego boost when women respond2) It helps us have a reality check to make sure "we still got it".3)It's naughty and mischievous (obsessions any man, worth his salt, will not lose with age). It's like playing with fire because we know we have to be loyal, but it allows us to fantasize with the "what if".But I really dislike that. To a certain extent, he is loyal. But I don't want him to be flirting with other girls others than me.It isn't a committed relationship for nothing.It's not jealousy, but anger. I really want him to stop.How shall address this situation?Should ask him about it or just leave it be?And... How should I come about/act to prevent him for flirting again? (As I suggest that he may lack of confidence/ego and fantasy could be played out with your partner than in reality)Anything else to add..?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Insecurity and low self esteem do come to mind because if he had both, there would be no need to flirt in order to test his worth. We are all told it is what we feel about ourselves that counts, not what others think of us. Clearly your partner hasnt understood this concept and still measures his value by the reactions of women to his overtures. A dangerous game!
My partner and his ex wife both flirted outside their marriage. The agreement being it was okay to ogle and flirt as long as that was ALL they did. Unfortunately his wife flirted with a guy she found particularly attractive, he flirted back and an affair started that lasted 6 months. Until my partners ex left him, taking his children and leaving him in pieces.
Flirting to boost confidence is a crappy idea because what happens when an attractive woman does show an interest and elevates his confidence? Will he ALWAYS have what it takes to walk away and not pursue things every time it happens? It would be much better for him to learn to find his confidence from within and not rely on womens opinion of him.
Try talking to him and discovering if there is a way you can help to build his confidence so he no longer needs to feed off womens reactions to his `interest`. Otherwise it might only be a matter of time before his little game becomes a big problem.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 You need to just be honest with him and you should have been the moment you read the message. You say you both check each others phones therefore you should have told him straight away as you where not doing anything wrong if it is what you both do. Communicate with him and ask him why he does this, tell him how it makes you feel and just talk it over with him. If you feel he is doing this for a confidence boost then maybe you could work on showing him more often how much he means to you and how much you are attracted to him.
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